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THE   PLAYS  OF 
HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES 


DOLLY 

REFORMING 

HERSELF 

H  (Iome&)?  in  JTput  Bets 

BY 

HENRY   ARTHUR   JONES 

AUTHOR   OF 

THE  LIARS,"  "MICHAEL  AND  HIS  LOST  ANGEL,"  "THE  TEMPTER, 

"THE   CRUSADERS,"  "JUDAH,"    "THE   CASE  OF    REBELLIOUS 

SUSAN,"    "THE    DANCING    GIRL,"    "THE    MIDDLEMAN," 

"THE  ROGUE'S  COMEDY/'  '"THE  TRIUMPH  OF  THE 

PHILISTINES,"  "THE  MASQUERADERS,"  "THE 

MANOEUVRES  OF  JANE,"   "CARNACSAHIB," 

"THE  GOAL,"  "MRS.  DANE'S  DEFENCE," 

"THE  LACKEY'S  CARNIVAL,"  "THE 

PRINCESS'S     NOSE,"    ETC. 


"Memnon  con9Ut  un  jour  le  projet  insens6  d'etre  par- 
faitement  sage.  II  n'y  a  gu^re  d'hommes  ^  qui  ceite  folic 
n'ait  quelquefois  pass6  par  la  tSte."    Voltaire. 


Copyright,  >9io,  by  Henry  A.^thur  Jones 


PRICE  50  CENTS 


NEW   YOxlK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLlSHKk 

28-30  WtsT  38TH  Street 


LONDON 
SAMUEL  FRENCH,  Ltd. 

26  Southampton  St  , 
Strand 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 

in  2007  with  funding  from 

IVIicrosoft  Corporation 


http://www.archive.org/details/dollyreformingheOOjonerich 


DOLLY    REFORMING 
HERSELF 

A  COMEDY  IN  FOUR  ACTS 

BY 

HENRY  ARTHUR  JONES 


"Memnon  concut  un  jour  le  projet  insense  d'etre  parfaite- 
ment  sage.  II  n'y  a  guere  d'hommes  a  qui  cette  folic  n'ait 
quelquefois  passe  par  la  tete."    Voltaire. 


Copyright,  1910,  by  Henry  Arthur  Jones 


CAUTION— This  play  is  fully  protected  tinder  the  copyright  laws 
of  the  United  States,  is  subject  to  royalty,  and  any  one  pre- 
senting the  play  without  the  consent  of  the  author  or  his 
agents,  will  be  liable  to  penalty  under  the  law.  All  applications 
for  amateur  performances  must  be  made  to  Samuel  French* 
88-30  West  38th  Street,  New  York  City, 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 


New   York 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30  WEST  38th    STREET 


London 

SAMUEL    FRENCH,  Ltd. 

26   Southampton   Street 

STRAND 


*'The  crescendo  of  quarrel  is  most  skilfully  and 
drolly  arranged ; — a  scene  on  classic  lines  boldly  chal- 
lenging and,  what  is  more,  maintaining  comparison 
with  Sheridan."  Mr.  A.  B.  Walkley— The  London 
Times. 

**This  new  play,  by  Mr.  Henry  Arthur  Jones,  at  The 
Haymarket,  is  surely  as  good  a  comedy  as  he  has 
ever  written. 

I  should  say,  in  evaluating  Mr.  Jones,  that  his 
greatest  asset  is  his  humor.  We  are  grateful  that 
Mr.  Jones  has  that  comfortable  gift  which  prevents 
him  from  dancing  on  us — that  gift  of^  humor  whereby 
he  ia^  content  to  takejis  just  as  we  are.  I  ^ 

~Tlo  playwright  is  more^oyousTy^Sservant  than 
Mr  Jones;  and  none  obserYes-niQre_accurateLy,  in  the 
milieu  that  he  has  chosen.  Other  playwrights  may 
create  more  salient  and  memorable  figures.  But  none 
of  them  cr^eates  figures  so  lifelike  as  Mr.  Jones. 

Nor  is  any  one  of  them  so  fine  a  craftsman.  We 
are  not  made  conscious  of  it  while  the  play  is  in 
progress.  From  the  very  outset,  we  are  aware  merely 
of  certain  ladies  and  gentlemen  behaving  with  ap- 
parent freedom  and  naturalness.  It  is  only  when  the 
play  is  over  that  we  notice  the  art  of  it.  The 
verisimilitude  of  "  Dolly  Reforming  Herself  "  is  all 
the  more  admirable  because  the  play  is  founded  on  a 
"philosaphic  question,  and  in  the  whole  course  of  it 
there  is  not  a  scene,  not  a  character  (not  even  the 
butler's  character),  that  is  not  strictly  and  logically 
relevant  to  this  question.  The  whole  fabric  is 
wrought  in  a  tight  and  formal  pattern,  yet  the  eflfect 
of  it  is  as  life  itself.     The  question  in  point  is  "  Can 

3 


we  cure  ourselves  of  our  bad  habits  ? "  and  the  answer 
is  worked  not  through  a  story,  but  simply  through  the 
behavior  of  a  few  people  in  a  country-house. 

The  central  scene  of  the  play,  however,  is  the  scene 
between  Dolly  and  her  husband.  The  whole  scene 
is  delightful,  worked  out  with  the  finest  sense  of 
dramatic  rhythm:  a  truly  great  comic  scene,  of  which 
Mr.  Jones  may  well  be  proud." 

Mr.   Max  Beerbohm — The   Saturday  Review. 


TO  MISS  ETHEL  IRVING 

My  Dear  Miss  Irving, 

Will  you  accept  the  dedication  of  this  little  comedy, 
whose  success  at  the  Haymarket  was  so  largely  due 
to  your  fine  and  sincere  performance  of  Dolly  ? 
Faithfully  yours 

Henry  Arthur  Jones. 


Dolly  Reforming  Herself 


ACT  I. 


Scene:  Drawing-room  at  Harry  Telfer's,  TV 
Gables,  Crookbury  Green,  Surrey,  A  well-fur- 
nished room  in  a  modem  red  brick  country  house. 
At  the  back,  a  little  to  the  right,  is  a  door  leading 
into  the  hall.  All  along  the  right  side  is  a  glass 
partition,  showing  a  conservatory  which  is  en- 
tered by  glass  doors,  one  up  stage,  the  other  down. 
On  the  left  side  is  a  large  fireplace.  At  the  back, 
in  the  centre,  is  a  handsome  writing-desk  with  a 
shut  down  flap  lid.  Aboz'e  the  fireplace,  facing 
the  audience  is  a  large  sofa.  To  the  right  of 
sofa,  and  below  it  in  the  left  centre  of  the  room 
is  a  small  table,  and  near  to  it  an  easy  chair. 
Right  centre  down  stage  is  a  larger  table. 

Time:     The  afternoon  of  ist  January,  1907. 

Discover  at  writing-table,  back  to  audience,  Dolly 
Telfer,  a  bright  little  woman  about  thirty,  busied 
with  bills  and  papers.  Bending  oz'er  her,  back  to 
audience,  is  her  father.  Matt  Barron,  a  pleasant- 
looking,  easy-going  cynic  of  sixty.  Harry  Tel- 
fer, Dolly's  husband,  an  ordinary  good-natured, 
weakish,  impulsive  Englishman  about  thirty-five, 
is  standing  zuith  his  back  to  the  fire.  Sitting  on 
sofa,  reading  a  scientific  book,  is  Professor 
0 


t  t       t     t     *t     ^      f     C      •  €■     ••  • 


lo  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Sturgess,  a  hard,  dry,  narrow,  fattish  scientific 
man  about  forty- five.  At  the  table,  right,  reading 
a  French  novel,  is  R^nie  Sturgess,  the  Profes- 
sor's wife,  a  tall,  dark,  handsome  woman  about 
thirty. 

Harry.  No,  I  can't  say  that  I  pay  very  much  at- 
tention to  sermons  as  a  rule,  but  Pilcher  gave  us  a 
regular  downright,  no-mistake-about-it,  rouser  at  the 
Watch-night  Service  last  night. 

Matt.  [Turning  round.]  I  wonder  what  precise  dif- 
ference this  rousing  sermon  will  make  in  the  conduct 
of  any  person  who  heard  it. 

Hany.  Well,  it's  going  to  make  a  lot  of  difference 
in  my  conduct.  At  least,  I  won't  say  a  lot  of  dif- 
ference, becaiise  I  don't  call  myself  a  very  bad  sort  of 
fellow,  do  you? 

Matt.    N-o— No 

Harry.  At  any  rate  I'm  a  thundering  good  husband, 
ain't  I,  Dolly?  [Dolly  takes  no  notice.']  And  I've  got 
no  flagrant  vices.  But  I've  got  a  heap  of — well  a  heap 
of  selfish  little  habits,  such  as  temper,  and  so  on,  and 
for  the  coming  year  I'm  going  to  knbck  them  all  off. 

Matt.  That  will  be  a  score  for  Pilcher — that  is,  if 
you  do  knock  them  off. 

Harry.  Oh,  I'm  thoroughly  resolved!  I  promised 
Dolly  last  night,  didn't  I,  Dolly?  [Dolly  takes  no 
notice.]  Dolly  too!  Dolly  was  awfully  impressed  by 
the  sermon,  weren't  you,  Dolly? 

Matt.  [Looking  round  at  Dolly's  back.]  Dolly  was 
awfully  impressed? 

Harry.  Yes.  Before  we  went  to  bed  she  gave  me 
her  word;  that  if  I'd  give  her  a  little  help,  she'd  pay 
off  all  her  bills,  and  live  within  her  allowance  for  the 
future,  didn't  you,  Dolly? 

Matt.  Well,  that  will  be  another  score  for  Pilcher— 
that  is,  if  Dolly  does  live  within  her  allowance. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  ii 

Harry.  Oh,  Dolly  means  it  this  time,  don't  you 
Dolly? 

Dolly.  [Turns  round  on  her  stool,  hills  in  hand.']  I 
think  it's  disgraceful! 

Matt.     What? 

Dolly.  These  tradespeople!  [Comes  down  to 
Matt.]  I'm  almost  sure  I've  paid  this  bill  once — if 
not  twice.  Then  there's  a  mistake  of  thirty  shillings  in 
the  addition — you're  good  at  figures,  Dad.  Do  add 
that  up  for  me.     My  head  is  so  muddled. 

[Giving  the  bill  to  Matt. 

Harry.  Aren't  you  glad,  Doll,  that  you  made  that 
resolution  not  to  have  any  more  bills  ? 

Dolly.  It  will  be  heavenly!  To  go  about  all  day 
with  the  blessed  thought  that  I  don't  owe  a  farthing 
to  anybody.    It's  awful ! 

[Crunching  a  bill  in  her  hand,  and  throwing 
it  on  to  writing-table, 

Harry.  Cheer  up,  little  woman!  You  don't  owe 
such  a  very  alarming  amount,  do  you? 

Dolly.  Oh  no!  Oh  no!  And  if  you'll  only  help  me 
as  you  promised 

Harry.  We'll  go  thoroughly  into  it  by-and-by.  In 
fact  I  did  mean  to  give  you  a  pleasant  little  Christmas 
surprise,  and  pay  off  all  your  debts. 

Dolly.     Oh,  you  angel!     But  why  didn't  you  do  it? 

Harry.  I've  done  it  so  often!  You  remember  the 
last  time? 

Dolly.  [Making  a  wry  face.]  Yes,  I  remember  the 
last  time. 

Harry.    And  here  we  are  again ! 

Dolly.    Oh,  don't  talk  like  a  clown! 

Harry.    But,  my  dear  Dolly,  here  we  are  again. 

Dolly.  Well,  I  haven't  got  the  money  sense!  I 
simply  haven't  got  it !    I  was  born  without  it ! 


12  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  [Hands  her  the  hill.^     The  addition  is  quite 
.  correct. 

Dolly.  [Taking  the  hill.^  You're  sure?  Then  Fm 
convinced   Fve   paid   it!      [Looking   at   bill.'\      Yes! 

Thirty- four,  seven,  six.    Professor  Sturgess 

^sj     Prof.  [Looks  up  from  his  book']    Yes? 

Dolly.  You  understand  all  about  psychology  and 
the  way  our  brains  work. 

Prof.  Fve  given  my  entire  life  to  their  study,  but  I 
cannot  claim  that  I  understand  them. 

Dolly.     But  wouldn't  you  say 

^   Prof.    What? 

Dolly.    Fm  morally  certain  Fve  paid  this  bill. 

Matt.    Have  you  got  the  receipt  ? 

Dolly.    No!    I  must  have  mislaid  it. 

Matt.      When,  and  where  did  you  pay  it  ? 

Dolly.  I  cannot  recall  the  exact  circumstances. 
And  now >^ 

Matt.    And  now ? 

Dolly.  Fulks  and  Garner  have  sent  me  a  most  im- 
pertinent note  requesting  immediate  payment. 

Prof.  What  is  the  particular  brain  process  that  you 
wish  me  to  explain? 

Dolly.    How  do  you  account  for  my  having  the  most 
vivid   impression  that  Fve  paid  it — so  vivid  that  I 
cannot  shake  it  off? 
^  Prof.    Well— a 

Matt.  Isn't  it  an  instance  of  that  obscure  operation 
of  the  feminine  mind  whereby  the  merest  wish  becomes 
an  accomplished  fact? 

Dolly.  My  dear  Dad,  I  actually  remember  the  exact 
amount:  thirt-four,  seven,  six.  Thirty- four,  seven, 
six.  I  shall  never  enter  Fulks  and  Garnet's  shop 
again ! 

Enter  Griddle.     [Announces.]     Captain  Wentworth! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  13 

Enter  Captain  Lucas  Wentworth,  a  good-looking 
smart  young  army  man  about  thirty.  He  is  in 
riding-clothes.  Exit  Criddle.  At  Captain 
Went  worth's  entrance  Renie  shows  keen  in- 
terest, throws  him  a  secret  glance  as  he  goes  to 
shake  hands  with  Dolly. 
Dolly.  Ah,  Lu!  What,  over  again!  Happy  New 
Year  once  more ! 

Lucas.  Same  to  you.  [^Shaking  hands. ^  Happy 
New  Year,  everybody !    Good  afternoon,  Harry ! 

[Nodding  to  Harry. 
Harry.    Ditto,  Lu. 
Lucas.    Ah,  Uncle  Matt !    Happy  New  Year ! 

[Shaking  hands. 
Matt.    Happy  New  Year,  Lucas! 
Lucas.    Good  afternoon,  Mrs.  Sturgess. 

[Shaking  hands  with  Renie. 
Renie.    Good  afternoon. 

Lucas.  None  the  worse  for  your  outing  last  night, 
I  hope? 

Renie.  Oh  no,  I'm  sure  Mr.  Pilcher's  sermon  ought 
to  make  us  all  very  much  better. 

Dolly.  May  I  introduce  you  to  Professor  Sturgess 
— my  cousin  Captain  Wentworth. 

Lucas.    How  d'ye  do? 
-^Prof.    How  d'ye  do? 

Matt.  So  you  came  over  to  the  Watch-night  Ser- 
vice, I  hear? 

Lucas.  Yes !  Td  nothing  much  better  to  do,  and 
Dolly  was  cracking  up  this  new  parson  of  yours,  so  I 
thought  I'd  jog  over  and  sample  him. 

Matt.  A  dozen  miles  over  here  at  midnight;  an 
hour's  service  in  a  cold  church ;  and  a  dozen  miles  back 
to  Aldershot,  in  the  sleet  and  snow.  I  hope  the  ser- 
mon thoroughly  braced  you  up! 


14  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas.  It  did.  It  made  me  feel  just  as  good  as  I 
knew  how  to  be. 

Matt,    Here's  another  score  for  Pilcher! 

Dolly.  Dad,  I  think  it's  shocking  bad  taste  of  you  to 
keep  on  sneering  at  Mr.  Pilcher ! 

Matt.  I'm  not  sneering.  I'm  only  curious  to  follow 
up  this  wonderful  sermon,  and  trace  its  results  on  all 
of  you. 

Dolly.  Well,  you  can  see  its  results.  [Lucas  has 
got  near  to  Renie,  stands  with  his  hack  to  her,  takes 
out  a  letter  from  his  coat-tail  pocket,  holds  it  out  for 
her  to  take.  She  takes  it,  pops  it  in  her  novel,  and  goes 
on  reading.  He  moves  away  from  her.'\  Take  only 
our  own  family.  Harry  and  I  both  have  turned  over  a 
new  leaf.  Renie,  you  said  Mr.  Pilcher  had  set  you 
thinking  deeply 

Renie.    Yes,  dear,  very  deeply. 

Dolly.  Lu,  you  said  the  sermon  had  done  you  a  lot 
of  good. 

Lucas.  Heaps !  I  won't  say  I'm  going  to  set  up  for 
a  saint  straight  off,  because — well — I'm  not  so  sure  I 
could  bring  it  off,  even  if  I  tried 

Matt.  That's  what  holds  me  back,  my  wretched 
nervous  fear  that  I  shouldn't  bring  it  off.  Still,  in 
justice  to  Pilcher,  I  hope  you're  not  going  to  let  his 
sermon  be  wasted. 

Lucas.  Oh,  no !  My  first  spare  five  minutes  I'm  go- 
ing to  brisk  about,  and  do  a  bit  of  New  Year's  tidying 
up. 

[^He  is  standing  over  Renie,  who  has  opened 
his  letter  in  her  novel;  he  again  ex- 
changes a  secret  look  of  understanding 
with  her,  and  makes  a  sign  to  her  to  go 
into  the  conservatory. 
Enter  Qriddle. 

Criddle.  [Announcing. J^  Mr.  Pilcher! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  15 

Enter  the  Reverend  James  Pilcher,  a  big,  strong, 
bright,  genial,  manly,  hearty  English  parson  about 
forty.    Exit  Criddle. 

Dolly.    How  d'ye  do?  [Shaking  hands. 

Pilcher.  How  d'ye  do?  Happy  New  Year,  once 
more!     Happy  New  Year,  Mr.  Barron! 

Matt.  \_Shaking  hands.'\     A  happy  New  Year. 
Pilcher.    How  do  again,  Telfer? 
Harry.     How  are  you?  ♦ 

Pilcher.     Good  morning,  Mrs.  Sturgess. 
Renie.    Good  morning. 

[At  Pilcher's  entrance  she  has  hidden  her 
French  novel  behind  her  in  the  chair.  In 
shaking  hands  with  Pilcher  it  drops  on 
to  the  floor  and  Lucas's  letter  drops  out. 
Lucas  goes  to  pick  it  up,  Mr.  Pilcher 
is  before  him,  picks  up  the  novel  and 
letter  and  hands  them  to  Renie.  In 
taking  them  she  shows  some  confusion. 

Pilcher.  [Genially.^  Improving  the  New  Year  by 
getting  a  thorough  knowledge  of  Parisian  life  and 
manners,  I  see. 

Renie.  [Confused.^  No! — I  had  begun  the  book  a 
week  ago  and  so  I  thought — a — I'd  better  finish  it. 

Lucas.    Good  morning,  Mr.  Pilcher. 

Pilcher.  [Shaking  hands. ^     Good  morning. 

Lucas.    Rattling  good  sermon  you  gave  us  last  night. 

Pilcher.  I'm  glad  you  thought  it  worth  coming  so 
far  to  hear. 

Lucas.  Not  at  all.  Jolly  well  worth  coming  for,  eh, 
Mrs.  Sturgess? 

[With  a  sly  little  look  and  shake  of  the  head 
at  Renie. 

Renie.    I  thoroughly  enjoyed  it! 


i6  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Pitcher.  [A  little  surprised.]  Enjoyed  it!  Now  I 
meant  to  make  you  all  very  uncomfortable ! 

Dolly.  Oh,  you  gave  us  a  good  shaking  up,  and 
we  deserved  it!  I  don't  think  you've  met  Professor 
Sturgess  ?  , 

Pilcher.     [Advancing  to  Professor.]     No,  but  IVe 
read  his  book,  "  Man,  the  Automaton." 
"'^  Prof.     [Bowing.]     Not  with  disapproval,  I  trust? 

Pilcher.     [Shaking  hands  very  cordially.]     With  the 
most  profound  disapproval,  with  boundless,  uncom- 
promising dissent  and  antagonism! 
^     Prof.    Vm  sorry! 

Pilcher.  Why,  you  deny  that  man  has  any  vestige 
of  free  will. 

Prof.     Certainly.     The  longer  I  live,  the  more  I'm 
■"  convinced  that  free  will  is  a  purely  subjective  illusion. 

Dolly.  Do  you  mean  that  when  I  will  to  do  a  certain 
thing  I  can't  do  it  ?  Oh,  that's  absurd.  For  instance,  I 
will  to  go  and  touch  that  chair !  [She  goes  and  touches 
it.]  There!  [Triumphantly.]  I've  done  it!  That 
shows  I've  got  free  will.  [The  Professor  shakes  his 
head.]     Well,  then  how  did  I  do  it? 

Prof.  I  affirm  that  your  willing  to  touch  that 
chair  or  not  to  touch  it,  your  actual  touching  it,  or  not 
touching  it;  your  possession  or  non-possession  of  a 
criminal  impulse 

Dolly.    I  haven't  any  criminal  impulses 


Prof.  [Shakes  his  head  and  goes  on.]  Your  yield- 
ing to  that  criminal  impulse  or  your  not  yielding  to  it — 
all  these  states  of  consciousness  are  entirely  de- 
pendent upon  the  condition,  quantity  and  arrange- 
ment of  certain  atoms  in  the  gray  matter  of  your 
brain.  You  think,  you  will,  you  act  according  as  that 
gray  matter  works.  You  did  not  cause  cr  make  that 
condition  of  the  atoms  of  your  gray  matter,  therefore 
you  are  not  responsible  for  thinking  or  acting  in  this 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  17 

way  or  that,  seeing  that  your  thoughts,  and  your 
actions,  and  that  direction  of  your  impulses  which 
you  call  your  will,  are  all  precisely  determined  and  reg- 
ulated by  the  condition  and  arrangement  of  these  mi- 
nute atoms  of  your  gray  matter!  ^ 

Dolly.  \^Has  at  first  listened  with  great  attention,  hut 
has  grown  bewildered  as  the  Professor  goes  on.]  I 
don't  care  anything  about  my  gray  matter!  I've  quite 
made  up  my  mind  I  won't  have  any  more  bills ! 

Pilcher.  [Turning  to  Renie.]  Does  Mrs.  Sturgess 
agree  with  the  Professor's  doctrine? 

Renie.  No,  indeed!  To  say  that  we're  mere  ma- 
chines— it's  horrid. 

Prof.  The  question  is  not  whether  it's  horrid,  but 
whether  it's  true. 

Pilcher.    What  do  you  think,  Mr.  Barron? 

Matt.  It's  a  very  nutty  and  knotty  problem.  I'm 
watching  to  see  Dolly  and  Harry  solve  it  I 

Dolly.    See  us  solve  it !    How  ? 

Matt.  You  and  Harry  heard  a  most  thrilling,  soul- 
stirring  sermon  last  night. 

Pilcher.     You  had  good  hearsay  accounts  of  my, 
sermon  ? 

Matt.  Excellent!  I  should  have  heard  it  myself, 
but  I've  reached  an  age  when  it  would  be  dangerous 
to  give  up  any  of  my  old  and  cherished  bad  habits. 
So  in  place  of  going  to  church  and  selfishly  reforming 
myself,  I  shall  have  to  be  content  with  watching  Dolly 
and  Harry  reform  themselves. 

Dolly.  Don't  take  any  notice  of  him,  Mr.  Pilcher, 
he's  the  most  cynical,  hardened  reprobate!  I  have  to 
blush  for  him  a  hundred  times  a  day. 

>^       [Renie  strolls  casually  into  conservatory  by 
lower  door.    Lucas  casually  follows  her. 

Matt.  And  in  order  to  settle  once  and  for  all  this 
vexed  question  of  free  will  and  moral  responsibility, 


i8  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

I'll  bet  you,  Harry,  a  simple  fiver,  and  I'll  bet  you 
Dolly,  a  new  Parisian  hat,  and  half  a  dozen  pairs  of 
gloves  that  you  won't  live  up  to  your  good  resolu- 
tions, and  that  on  next  New  Year's  Day  you'll  neither 
of  you  be  one  ha'penny  the  better  for  all  the  wise 
counsels  Mr.  Pilcher  gave  you  last  night. 

Harry.    A  fiver !    Done ! 

Dolly.  I'll  take  you,  too !  In  fact,  I'll  double  it ;  two 
new  Parisian  hats,  and  a  dozen  pairs  of  gloves ! 

Matt.    Done,  my  dear! 

Pilcher.  I  hope  I  sha'n't  be  accused  of  talking  shop 
if  I  venture  to  recall  that  betting  was  one  of  the  bad 
habits  I  especially  warned  my  congregation  against, 
last  night! 

Harry.  By  Jove,  yes — I'd  forgotten  all  about  that! 
Of  course,  if  you  wish  us  to  cry  off 

Pilcher.  Well,  not  exactly.  I  might  perhaps  sug- 
gest an  alternative  plan  which  was  tried  with  great 
success  in  my  late  parish 

Dolly.    What  was  that? 

Pilcher.  A  very  capital  good  fellow — an  auctioneer 
and  land  surveyor,  my  churchwarden  in  fact,  by  name 
Jobling — found  that  in  spite  of  constant  good  resolu- 
tions, certain  small  vices  were  gradually  creeping  upon 
him.  There  was  an  occasional  outburst  of  temper  to 
his  clerks,  an  occasional  half  glass  too  much ;  and  on 
one  lamentable  market  day,  he  actually  discovered 
himself  using  bad  language  to  Mrs.  Jobling 

Dolly.  [Looking  at  Harry.']    Oh!    Ah! 

Matt.  Jobling's  gray  matter  can't  have  been  in  good 
working  order. 

Pilcher.  We  corrected  that !  We  got  his  gray  mat- 
ter under  control. 

Dolly.    How? 

Pilcher.  My  Christmas  Blanket  Club  happened  to 
be   on  the   road   to   bankruptcy.     By   the   way,   our 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  19 

Blanket  Club  here  is  in  low  water.  Well,  I  gave  Job- 
ling  a  small  box  with  a  hole  at  the  top  sufficiently 
large  to  admit  half  a  crown.  And  I  suggested  that 
whenever  he  was  betrayed  into  one  of  these  little  slips, 
he  should  fine  himself  for  the  benefit  of  my  Blanket 
Club 

Harry.  Good  business !  Dolly,  where's  that  collect- 
ing-box they  sent  us  from  the  Hospital  for  Incurables  ? 

Dolly.    In  the  cupboard  in  the  next  room. 

Harry.     Right-o!   No  time  like  the  present!  [£jnV.] 

Matt.    And  how  did  you  get  out  of  this  dilemma? 

Pilcher.    Dilemma  ? 

Matt.  Did  your  Blanket  Club  remain  in  bank- 
ruptcy, or  what  must  have  been  an  even  more  dis- 
tressing alternative  to  you,  did  Jobling  continue  to  use 
bad  language  to  his  wife? 

Pilcher.  We  struck  a  happy  medium.  My  Blanket 
Club  balance  was  considerably  augmented,  and  Job- 
ling's  behaviour  considerably  improved  under  the 
stress  of  the  fines. 

Re-enter  Harry  with  an  old,  dusty  collecting-box  on 
which  is  printed  in  large  letters,  '"  County  Hos- 
pital for  Incurables.'' 

Harry.  [Placing  the  box  on  the  table. '\  There!  My 
name's  Jobling  for  the  present !  By  Jove !  that  was  a 
very  neat  idea  of  yours. 

Pilcher.  Ah,  by  the  way,  I  didn't  give  you  Jobling's 
tariff 

Harry.    Tariff  ? 

Pilcher.  Jobling's  tariff  for  a  mild  little  profanity 
like  "  By  Jove,"  was  a  mere  sixpence. 

Harry.    Oh  !  [Feels  in  his  pocket. 

Pilcher.  Of  course  you  needn't  adopt  Jobling's 
scale. 

Harry.    Oh  yes!     I'll  toe  the  mark!     [Takes  six- 


20  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

pence  out  of  his  pocket  and  puts  it  in  his  box.']     Vm 
determined   I'll   cure  myself   of   all  these   bad   little 

tricks 

Matt.  [To  Dolly,  pointing  to  the  money-box.]  Are 
you  going  to  contribute  ? 

Dolly.  [Snappishly.]  Perhaps,  when  Fve  paid  off 
my  bills. 

Matt.  [To  PiLCHER.]  Will  you  kindly  let  my  daugh- 
ter have  your  lowest  tariff  for  ladies  ? 

Dolly.  Oh,  please  don't  be  in  such  a  hurry.  What 
about  your  own  contribution?  Mr.  Pilcher,  I  hope 
you  don't  intend  to  let  my  father  escape. 

Pilcher.  I  understood  Mr.  Barron  was  prepared  to 
risk  a  five-pound  note  that  you  and  Mr.  Telfer  will 
not  carry  your  New  Year  resolutions  into  practice  ? 

Matt.  With  the  almost  certain  chance  of  drawing  a 
five-pound  note  from  Harry  and  a  new  hat  from  Dolly. 
Pilcher.  I'm  afraid  I  can't  hold  out 'those  induce- 
ments. But  I  can  offer  you  the  very  pleasing  alter- 
natives of  chuckling  over  your  daughter's  and  Mr. 
Telfer's  lapses,  or  of  contributing  five  pounds  to  an 
excellent  charity ! 

Matt.  H'm!  Well  I'll  do  my  best  to  oblige  you, 
Mr.  Pilcher !    Let  me  see ! 

[Looking  round,  his  eye  falls  on  Renie  and 

Lucas  who,  at  the  beginning  of  the  above 

conversation  have  gone  into  conservatory 

at  lower  door,  and  now  come  out  again 

at   upper   door.     She   has   a   hot-house 

flower  in  her  hand,  and  they  are  eagerly 

absorbed    in    their    conversation.      The 

Professor   talking   to    Harry   and   not 

noticing. 

Renie.    [Becoming   aware   that   Matt   is  ivatching 

them.]    Yes,  that  arrangement  of  the  stamens  is  quite 

unusual.    It's  what  the  gardener  calls  a  "  sport " 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  21 

Lucas.  [Examining  the  flower.]  Jolly  good  sport, 
too! 

Matt.  I'm  not  sure  that  we  haven't  even  better  sport 
here 

Renie.  [^Coming  to  him.'\  Sport?  What  sport? 
can  we  join? 

Matt.  That's  just  what  I  was  going  to  propose. 
There  are  four  of  you  here,  who  heard  Mr.  Pilcher's 
excellent  discourse  last  night.  And  you  are  all  deter- 
mined to  turn  over  a  new  leaf  this  year.    Isn't  that  so? 

Dolly.    Yes! 

Harry.    I  know  I  am. 

Matt.    Mrs.  Sturgess? 

Renie.    Yes,  indeed! 

Matt.     Lucas,  you? 

Lucas.    Yes,  Uncle. 

Matt.  On  the  first  of  January  next,  I  am  prepared 
to  put  a  sovereign  in  that  money-box  for  every  one 
of  you  who  can  honestly  declare  that  he  has  broken 
himself  or  herself  of  his  bad  habits  during  the  year. 

Lucas.    I  say,  not  all  our  bad  habits  ? 

Matt.  H'm.  I  don't  wish  to  be  exacting — I've  no 
doubt  each  of  has  his  own  little  failing  or  weakness. 
Well,  come  to  me  and  say  on  your  honour  that  you've 
conquered  this  or  that  pet  special  weakness — and  in 
goes  my  sovereign. 

Lucas.    You  don't  really  mean  it?         • 

Matt.  Indeed  I  do.  I  hope  you  won't  stand  out  and 
— spoil  sport,  eh? 

Lucas.  Oh,  I  don't  mind  coming  in — just  for  the 
lark  of  the  thing. 

Matt.     Then  you  all  agree? 
•    Dolly.    Oh  yes. 

Harry.     Certainly. 

Matt.    Mrs.  Sturgess? 


22  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Rente.  We  don't  know  where  we  may  be  next 
Christmas. 

Dolly.  You'll  be  here  with  us.  I  invite  you  on  the 
spot.    You  accept? 

Renie.    Yes,  delighted,  if  my  husband 

Prof.    Very  pleased. 

Matt.  Well,  Mr.  Pilcher,  I  think  I've  made  your 
Blanket  Club  a  very  handsome  offer. 

Pilcher.  Very  handsome.  [Taking  out  watch.'\  I 
hope  our  friends  will  cordially  respond,  for  the  sake  of 
my  Blanket  Club. . 

Dolly.    You'll  stay  for  a  cup  of  tea  ? 

Pilcher.     I've  heaps  of  New  Year's  calls  to  make. 
I'm  afraid  I  must  be  going;  good  afternoon,  Profes- 
sor! 
^^Prof.  Good  afternoon. 

Pilcher.    Good  afternoon,  Telfer. 

Harry.    Good  afternoon. 

Pilcher.    Good-bye,  Mrs.  Sturgess. 

Renie.  Good-bye.  So  many  thanks  for  your  elo- 
quent sermon.  •  [Shaking  hands. 

Pilcher.  Now,  was  I  eloquent?  I  suppose  I  was, 
since  I've  produced  such  an  invigorating  New  Year  at- 
mosphere. [Renie  moves  her  French  novel. 

Matt.  And  brought  Lucas  over  from  Aldershot  in 
the  snow ! 

Lucas.    Rather !    I  shall  come  again  next  year. 

[Shaking  hands. 

Pilcher.  Do.  And  then  we  shall  be  able  to  estimate 
the  effect  of  my  eloquence. 

Matt.  [Tapping  the  money-box.']    We  shall! 

Pilcher.    Good-bye,  Mrs.  Telfer. 

Dolly.    Good-bye.  [Rings  bell. 

Pilcher.    Good-bye,  Mr.  Barron. 

Matt.    Good-bye. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  23 

Pilcher.  You  might  be  inclined  to  risk  a  sovereign 
on  yourself  for  the  Blanket  Club  ? 

Matt.  I  daren't.  I  can't  trust  my  gray  matter — I 
should  make  a 'dreadful  fiasco. 

[Criddle  appears  at  door. 

Pilcher.     Mrs.  Telfer,  I  leave  him  in  your  hands. 
[Exit    Pilcher.      Criddle    closes    the    door 
after  him. 

Matt.  Dolly,  I  don't  mind  having  that  new  Parisian 
hat  on  v^ith  you. 

Dolly.    Done !    I  don't  mind  how  much  I  punish  you. 
_^     Prof.  [Taking  out  his  watch.']     Half  past  three,  my 
dear. 

Renie.    I  don't  think  I'll  go  out  this  afternoon. 

Prof.  Oh,  you'd  better  take  your  little  constitutional. 
You  missed  it  yesterday.  I'm  sure  your  restlessness 
is  due  to  your  not  taking  regular  exercise. 

Renie.    Which  way  are  you  going?  [Yawning. 

Prof.  My  usual  round,  up  to  the  White  House  and 
back  by  the  fish-pond. 

Renie.    Perhaps  I'll  join  you  at  the  fish-pond. 
^^     Prof.  [To  Matt.]    Nothing  like  living  by  rule  and 
measure. 

Matt.    I  shouldn't  wonder.     I've  never  tried  it. 

Prof.     I  ascribe  my  constant  good  health  and  con- 

^tentment  to  my  unvarying  routine  of  work  and  diet 

and  exercise.  [Exit. 

Matt.  Then  where  do  my  constant  good  health  and 
contentment  come  from  ? 

Lucas.  Dolly,  I  left  my  evening  kit  here.  Could 
you  put  me  up  for  the  night? 

Dolly.     Delighted!     You'll  make  up  our  rubber. 

Lucas.     Right ! 

Matt.  Not  going  to  ride  back  to  Aldershot  again 
to-night  ? 

Lucas.     Not  to-night,  thank  you. 


24  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.    Just  a  shade  too  bracing,  eh  ? 

Lucas.  Just  a  shade!  Dolly,  L  haven't  seen  your 
new  fish-pond.  Is  anybody  going  to  meet  the  Pro- 
fessor? 

[^Glancing  at  Renie. 

Matt.  I  am.  [Linking  his  arm  in  Lucas's.]  We'll 
get  into  an  unvarying  routine  of  exercise  for  the  next 
hour.    Come  along! 

\^Takes  Lucas  off  as  he  is  exchanging  a  look 
with  Renie.  Renie  makes  to  follow 
them,  stops  at  door,  turns  hack  a  little, 
stops,  takes  out  Lucas's  letter  from  her 
French  novel,  goes  to  fire  and  reads  it. 
Meanwhile  the  following  scene  takes 
place  between  Dolly  and  Harry. 

Harry.  [To  Dolly.]  Now,  Dolly,  we  can  go 
through  your  bills.  [Going  to  her  writing-desk. 

Dolly.    Yes.    Hadn't  I  better  sort  them  out  first  ? 

Harry.  [Taking  up  hills. '^  Oh,  I'll  help  you  sort 
them  out 

Dolly.  Take  care!  You'll  muddle  all  my  papers. 
[Taking  hills  out  of  his  hands,  and  closing  down  the 
writing-desk. 1  I  want  to  have  a  little  talk  with  Renie 
— you'd  better  join  them  at  the  fish-pond. 

Harry.  Well,  so  long  as  you  do  get  them  sorted,  and 
squared  up.     What  about  after  tea? 

Dolly.    All  right.    After  tea. 

Harry.  After  tea.  We'll  have  a  nice  cosy  half-hour, 
all  to  ourselves,  and  sweep  them  all  out  of  our  minds. 

[With  a  gesture. 

Dolly.  [Nods  cheerfully.']  Yes,  a  nice  cosy  half- 
hour  and  sweep  them  all  out  of  our  minds.  [  With  his 
gesture.  Exit  Harry  hriskly.  She  repeats  his  ges^ 
ture.]     Sweep  them  all  out  of  our  minds.     [Opening 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  25 

desk  and  regarding  hills  with  dismay. '\     Oh,  don't  I 
wish  I  could !    Oh,  Renie ! 

[Renie  is  busy  with  her  letter  at  the  fire. 

Renie.    [^Puts  letter  into  pocket.']    What  is  it? 

Dolly,  [//aj  taken  up  one  or  two  bills.]  These 
bills  !    These  awful  bills !    These  vampires ! 

Renie.  Yes,  dear!  I  suppose  it's  rather  dreadful, 
but  it  must  be  sweet  to  have  a  dear,  kind  husband 
who'll  pay  them  all  off. 

Dolly.  Harry?  He  made  a  dreadful  fuss  last  time. 
And  then  I  didn't  show  him  all. 

Renie.    Well,  dear,  after  all,  it's  only  bills 

Dolly.  Only  bills!  Only?  Well,  I'm  going  to  show 
him  every  one  this  time.  And  what  a  lesson  it  shall  be 
to  me !    That's  why  I'm  so  grateful  to  Mr.  Pilcher. 

Renie.    Why  ? 

Dolly.  Yesterday  afternoon  I  thought  I'd  screw  up 
my  courage  to  go  through  the  bills  just  to  see  where 
I  was.  My  dear,  I  was  paralysed!  I  had  the  most 
appalling  time!  Well,  Mr.  Pilcher's  sermon  came 
just  in  the  nick  of  time.  I  thought  "  what  an  idiot  I 
must  be  to  endure  all  this  misery  just  for  want  of  a 
little  resolution." 

Renie.  Mr.  Pilcher's  sermon  came  just  in  the  nick 
of  time  for  me  too. 

Dolly.    Did  it? 

Renie.    I  had  an  awful  afternoon  yesterday! 

Dolly.    You  ? !     You  haven't  any  bills  ? 

Renie.    No!     ^^Sighs.]     I  almost  wish  I  had. 

Dolly.    Wish  you  had  ? ! 

Renie.  I  almost  envy  you  the  delicious  experience 
of  having  to  confess 

Dolly.  Yes  dear,  you  always  were  fond  of  scenes, 
but  I'm  not ! 

Renie.  And  then  the  heavenly  feeling  of  being  for- 
given, and  taken  in  the  arms  of  the  man  you  love! 


21^  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.  Yes,  that  part  of  it  is  all  right.  It's  what 
comes  before \With  a  little  shudder. 

Renie.  After  all,  your  husband  isn't  a  machine.  He 
is  a  human  being! 

Dolly.  Oh,  Harry's  a  perfect  dear  in  most  things, 
but  he  has  got  a  temper ! 

Renie.  My  husband  never  even  swears  at  me !  Oh, 
Dolly,  you  are  lucky ! 

Dolly.    Hum ! 

Renie.    Oh,  Dolly \_Sighs  and  goes  away, 

Dolly.     Is  anything  the  matter? 

Renie.  No  dear.  Nothing,  except — oh,  life  is  so 
hard!  so  hard! 

Dolly.    Renie,  if  you're  in  trouble 

Renie.    Thank  you,  dear.    I  knew  you'd  help  me. 

Dolly.  Yes,  so  long  as  it  isn't  money.  And  even 
then  I'd  help  you,  only  I  can't. 

Renie.    It  isn't  money. 

Dolly.     Then  what  is  it? 

Renie.  [Looking  at  Dolly  curiously. '\  I  wonder 
if  you  would  understand. 

Dolly.    I'll  do  my  best. 

Renie.  It's  such  a  strange  story.  [Moving  away, 
Dolly  makes  a  little  dubious  grimace  behind  her  back. 
Renie  suddenly  comes  up  to  Dolly  very  effusively.] 
Dolly,  I  will  trust  you.  You  know  I  thoroughly  ad- 
mire and  honour  my  husband. 

Dolly.    [A  little  startled.]    Ye-es. 

Renie.  You  know  that  nothing  could  ever  induce 
me  to  wrong  him  for  a  moment? 

Dolly.    No 

Renie.    Nothing  could  be  further  from  my  thoughts. 

Dolly.  No — ^but  is  there  anybody — Renie,  who  is 
it? 

Renie.  Give  me  your  sacred  promise  you'll  never 
breathe  a  word  to  any  living  soul? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  2^ 

Dolly.    Not  a  word — who  is  it? 

Renie.     Not  even  to  your  husband? 

Dolly.     Not  even  to  my  husband. 

Renie.    Nor  to  him? 

Dolly.    Him?    No,  of  course  not.    Who  is  it? 

Renie.  Well,  dear,  you  know  what  my  life  has  been. 
Few  women  have  met  with  so  little  real  sympathy  as 
L     Few  women  have  suffered 

Dolly.    No,  dear.    Who  is  it?    Do  I  know  him? 

Renie.  Your  cousin  Lucas  has  a  deep  and  sincere 
admiration  for  me. 

Dolly.  Lu  !  ?  Lu  !  ?  Of  course !  I  might  have 
known  he'd  never  ride  a  dozen  miles  in  the  snow  for  a 
sermon !     It's  disgraceful  of  him  ! 

Renie.  No,  dear,  he's  not  to  blame,  We  are  neither 
of  us  to  blame. 

Dolly.  [^Contemptuously.']  Oh!  Why  you  haven't 
known  him  a  month,  have  you? 

Renie.  I  met  him  for  the  first  time  in  this  room 
three  weeks  ago  last  Thursday  afternoon. 

Dolly.  It's  a  great  pity  the  Professor  didn't  come 
down  with  you. 

Renie.  That  would  have  made  no  difference.  It  had 
to  be ! 

Dolly.  What  had  to  be?  Renie,  how  far  has  this 
gone  ?    You've  been  meeting  him  alone 

Renie.    Once  or  twice. 

Dolly.  You've  slipped  away  every  afternoon  this 
week. 

Renie.  However  often  I  may  have  met  him,  he  has 
offered  me  nothing  but  the  most  chivalrous  attention. 
He  has  always  respected  me 

Dolly.  Well  then,  he  mustn't  respect  you  any  more. 
It  must  be  stopped. 

Renie.  Dolly,  I  didn't  expect  you  to  take  up  this 
attitude. 


28  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.  You  don't  suppose  I'm  going  to  have  this 
sort  of  thing  in  my  own  house,  do  you  ? 

Renie.    What  sort  of  thing? 

Dolly.  Do  you  remember  the  awful  row  I  got  into 
at  school  when  your  boy's  love  letter  was  discovered  in 
the  Banbury  cakes  you'd  persuaded  me  to  take  in  for 
you? 

Renie.  But  you  received  Banbury  cakes  of  your 
own! 

Dolly.  Not  since  I've  been  married.  Of  course  be- 
fore your  marriage  your  outrageous  flirting  didn't 
much  matter 

Renie.  Outrageous  flirting? — If  I  seemed  to 
flirt 

Dolly.    Seemed  ? ! 

Renie.  It  was  only  in  the  vain  hope  of  meeting 
with  one  who  could  ofifer  me  the  perfect  homage  that 
I  have  always  felt  would  one  day  be  mine. 

Dolly.  Well,  he  mustn't  offer  it  here!  I  shall  tell 
him  so  very  plainly.    He'd  better  not  stay  to  dinner. 

Renie.  There  is  no  reason  Captain  Wentworth 
should  not  stay  to  dinner.  He  has  given  me  the  one 
absolutely  blameless  unselfish  devotion  of  his  life. 
I've  accepted  it  on  that  distinct  understanding.  I've 
trusted  you  with  my  secret,  a  secret  honourable  alike  to 
Captain  Wentworth  and  myself.  You've  promised  not 
to  breathe  a  word  to  any  living  soul.  You  surely 
don't  mean  to  break  your  word? 

Dolly.  I  don't  mean  to  stand  the  racket  of  your 
Banbury  cakes. 

;    Renie.    I  didn't  expect  you  to  be  so  unsympathetic. 
You  promised  to  help  me ! 

Dolly.  Help  you!  How  did  you  expect  me  to  help 
you? 

Renie.  My  husband  has  to  go  to  Edinburgh  next 
week  to  give  a  course  of  lectures  there. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  29 

Dolly.    Well? 

Renie.  He  wants  me  to  go  with  him.  Dearest,  it 
would  be  perfectly  sweet  of  you  to  ask  me  to  stay  on 
another  fortnight  here. 

Dolly.  [^Makes  a  little  movement  of  indignant  sur- 
prise.~\     I  see! 

Renie.  There  could  be  no  possible  harm  in  it  now 
that  you  know  our  attachment  is  quite  innocent  and 
that  you  can  look  after  me  every  moment.  Dearest, 
you  might  oblige  me  in  a  tiny  little  matter  like  this. 

Dolly.  [After  a  pause. ^     I'll  think  it  over 

Renie.     Thank  you  so  much. 

Dolly.  Renie,  you  said  Mr.  Pilcher's  sermon  came 
just  in  the  nick  of  time 

Renie.     So  it  did. 

Dolly.    You  don't  call  this  the  "  nick  of  time  "  ? ! 

Renie.  Yes,  indeed.  I  went  to  church  in  a  per- 
fect fever.  I  didn't  know  what  to  do.  Well,  as  I 
listened  to  Mr.  Pilcher  everything  became  quite  clear 
to  me.  I  resolved  I  would  accept  Captain  Wentworth's 
pure  unselfish  devotion  and  make  it  a  lever  to  raise 
all  my  ideals  and  aspirations ! 

Dolly.  But  there  wasn't  anything  in  Mr.  Pilcher's 
sermon  about 

Renie.  Oh  yes,  there  was  a  lot  about  ideals  and 
aspirations. 

Dolly.  Yes,  but  not  the  sort  of  aspirations  you 
have  for  Lucas.  I  suppose  you  know  he  makes  love  to 
every  woman  he  comes  across? 

Renie.  He  told  me  he  had  been  led  into  one  or  two 
unworthy  attachments. 

Dolly.  Yes !  That's  quite  right.  So  he  has !  One 
or  two! 

Renie.     That  was  before  he  met  me. 

Dolly.  Yes,  and  this  will  be  before  he  meets  the  next 
lady. 


30  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Re7iie.  [Looks  at  Dolly  severely]  My  dear  Dolly, 
with  your  light  frivolous  nature  it  is  impossible  for  you 
to  understand  a  pure  and  exalted  attachment  like  ours. 
Listen !  [Taking  out  a  letter.]  This  will  show  you  his 
fine  nature,  his  fine  feelings—"  From  the  first  moment 

I  saw  you " 

Matt  enters. 

Rente.  [Putting  letter  in  pocket.]  Well,  have  you 
had  a  plesant  walk? 

Matt.  Very  pleasant — and  instructive.  The  Pro- 
fessor asked  me  to  remind  you  that  he's  waiting  for 
you  at  the  fish-pond. 

Renie.  I'd  better  go.  I  shall  get  a  little  lecture  all 
to  myself  if  I  don't.  [Going  off,  to  Dolly.]  Thank 
you,  dear,  so  much  for  your  kind  invitation  to  stay  on ! 

Dolly.    Don't  mention  it ! 

Renie.    I  shall  try  to  manage  it.  [Exit. 

Dolly.      Yes,  I'm  sure  you  will. 

Matt.     Mrs.  Sturgess  going  to  stay  on? 

Dolly.  She  wants  me  to  invite  her.  But  I  won't  if  I 
can  help  it.     [Goes  to  him  suddenly.]     Dad! 

Matt.    Well? 

Dolly.    That  wretched  Lucas! 

Matt.    What  about  him? 

Dolly.  No,  I've  promised  her  not  to  breathe  a  word. 
So  you  must  guess.     [Pause.]    Have  you  guessed? 

Matt.  [After  a  pause.]    Yes.    Well,  I [Begins  to 

chuckle.]     So  Lucas  is  up  to  his  old  games! 

Dolly.  My  own  guest !  Under  my  own  roof !  It's 
too  horrid  of  him. 

Matt.  [Chuckling.]    It  is!    It's  too  bad!    The  rascal. 

Dolly.  Oh,  it's  more  than  half  her  fault !  It's  just 
like  her ! 

[Matt  suddenly  bursts  from  a  chuckle  into  a 
roar. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  31 

Dolly,     What  are  you  laughing  at? 

Matt.    I've  just  left [Chuckling.]     IVe  just  left 

the   Professor   down   at   the   fish-pond   explaining  to 
Lucas  all  about  his  gray  matter,  and [Roars. 

Dolly.     I  don't  see  anything  to  laugh  at. 

Matt.     Twelve  miles   in  the  snow 1   say,   Doll, 

we're  making  a  splendid  start  for  the  New  Year! 

[Laughing. 

Dolly.  Dad!  Will  you  please  leave  off?  [Shaking 
his  shoulder.]    Will  you  be  serious? 

Matt.  Yes,  my  dear ! !  [Pulling  himself  together 
and  straightening  his  features.]  Yes,  I  will.  After 
all,  it's  a  serious  matter. 

Dolly.  It's  very  serious  for  me,  in  a  neighbourhood 
like  this ! 

Matt.  It's  serious  for  me,  as  I  was  Lucas's  guardian. 
And  it's  serious  for  him.  If  he  goes  and  plays  the 
fool,  it  may  spoil  his  career — the  young  ass ! 

Dolly.  Very  well,  then,  will  you  please  treat  it 
seriously  and  set  to  work  and  help  me  ? 

Matt.    How  far  have  matters  gone  ? 

Dolly.    Oh,  there's  no  real  harm  done  at  present. 

Matt.     How  do  you  know? 

Dolly.  Oh,  Lucas  is  writing  her  silly  letters  and 
she's  talking  about  his  pure  and  exalted  devotion,  and 
making  it  a  lever  to  raise  all  her  ideals  and  aspirations. 

Matt.  [Shakes  his  head.]  That  looks  bad!  That 
looks  very  dangerous  for  her. 

Dolly.  Oh,  no ;  she  knows  how  to  take  care  of  her- 
self.    But  it's  dangerous  for  me! 

Matt.    How,  dangerous  for  you  ? ! 

Dolly.  If  there's  the  least  bit  of  scandal  she'll  con- 
trive to  drag  me  into  it !    I  know  her  so  well. 

Matt.  [Walking  about,  cogitating.]  Yes,  and  we 
mustn't  let  Lucas  make  a  mess  of  it. 

Dolly.    What  can  we  do? 


32  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  When  I  was  over  at  Aldershot  last  week  Sir 
John  said  something  about  giving  Lucas  an  A.  D.  C. 
in  India.  I'll  drive  oven  to-morrow  and  ask  Sir  John 
to  pack  Lucas  out  of  the  country  for  a  year  or  two ! 

Dolly.  That's  a  good  idea.  But  it  may  take  some 
time? 

Matt.    A  week  or  so,  perhaps  more. 

Dolly.  But  if  they  find  out  they're  going  to  be 
parted,  it  is  just  this  next  week  when  there  will  be  all 
the  danger. 

Matt.    That's  true. 

Dolly.    They  ought  to  be  parted  to-night. 

Matt.  They  ought!  They  ought!  Not  a  doubt 
about  it!  Not  a  shadow  of  doubt!  They  ought  to 
be  parted  to-night ! 

Dolly.  Dad!  I  believe  I  can  frighten  Renie  out 
of  it. 

Matt.    Frighten  her? 

Dolly.  I'll  try!  And  you  must  take  Lucas  in 
hand 


Matt.    H'm !    Isn't  Harry  the  right  person- 


Dolly.  No,  I  sha'n't  tell  Harry.  Harry  would  only 
get  into  a  temper  and  muddle  it.  No,  you  must  get 
Lucas  to  take  himself  off. 

Matt.    Take  himself  off! 

Dolly,  I  won't  have  him  here.  You  can  tell  him  so. 
Be  very  severe  with  him. 

Matt.    [Dubious.]    H'm! 

Dolly.    Take  a  very  high  tone. 

Matt.  I'm  not  sure  that  taking  a  high  tone  is  quite 
in  my  line. 

Dolly.  Then  please  try  it.  Dad,  you  do  realize  how 
very  serious  this  is,  don't  you? 

Matt.  Yes,  of  course.  Very  well,  I'll  tackle  Lucas. 
We'll  see  what  a  high  tone  will  do  with  him.  Heigho ! 
Sad!  Sad!!  Sad!!!— Sad!  Sad!!  Sad!!! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  33 

Dolly.    Hush! 

Lucas  and  Harry  enter.  Lucas  looks  round  for 
Renie.  Dolly  and  Matt  talk  in  whispers  as  if 
settling  a  plan.  Harry  goes  up  to  the  collecting- 
box,  takes  out  his  knife  and  begins  to  scrape  off  the 
label. 

Dolly.  \_In  a  very  severe  tone  to  Lucas,  who  is  peep- 
ing into  conservatory."]    Are  you  looking  for  anything? 

Lucas.  I  was  wondering  whether  there  was  any  tea 
going. 

Dolly.  [Same  severe  tone.]  The  tea  is  not  in  the 
conservatory. 

Lucas.  No,  but  I  thought  it  might  be  getting  on  to 
the  time w 

Dolly.  [^Same  tone.]  The  tea  will  be  served  in  due 
course. 

Lucas.  [^Surprised  at  her  tone.]  Is  anything  the 
matter  ? 

[Dolly  looks  at  him  severely,  says  nothing, 
turns  to  Matt.  Lucas  looks  puzzled, 
goes  away,  and  again  looks  furtively  into 
conservatory  for  Renie. 

Harry.      [^Scraping    away    at    the    collecting-box.J 

Don't  forget,  Doll — our  cosy  half  hour  after  tea 

\_Nodding  at  the  writing-desk. 

Dolly.    I  won't  forget. 

Matt.  [^Has  come  up  behind  Harry,  touches  the 
arm  he  is  scraping  with.]  Hospital  for  Incurables!  I 
shouldn't  scrape  that  off  at  present. 

CURTAIN. 


34  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

(Four  or  five  hours  pass  between  Acts  I  and  //.) 
ACT  IL 

Scene  :  The  same,  on  the  same  evening,'  after  dinner. 
The  sofa  is  now  brought  down  below  the  fireplace, 
and  fronts  the  audience  a  little  diagonally,  its  right 
end  being  farthest  up  stage.  The  small  table  with 
the  hospital  box,  and  the  easy  chair  are  above  the 
sofa,  a  little  to  the  right  of  it. 

Enter  Renie,  much  distressed  and  agitated.  Dolly 
follows  quickly,  closes  the  door  cautiously  and 
mysteriously. 

Renie.  But  I  don't  understand.  Captain  Wentworth 
and  I  have  been  so  little  together 

Dolly.  Well,  my  dear,  there  it  is !  My  father  is  the 
last  man  to  pry  into  other  people's  affairs,  but  you  see 
it  has  been  forced  upon  his  notice.  And  from  the  tone 
he  took 

Renie.    What  tone? 

Dolly.    He  was  very  severe. 

Renie.  \_Alarmed.'\  But  what  did  he  say  he  had 
seen  ? 

Dolly.  He  wouldn't  go  into  particulars.  He  seemed 
very  much  upset 

Renie.    Upset?! 

Dolly.    Perhaps  I  ought  to  say  shocked. 

Renie.    Shocked  ? ! 

Dolly.  And  when  my  father  is  shocked  it  must  be 
something  very  glaring 

Renie.  [More  and  more  alarmed.']  But  there  hasn't 
been  anything  glaring 

Dolly.    Well,  dear,  of  course,  you  know. 

Renie.     But  I  cannot  imagine [Suddenly.]     It 

must  have  been  that  day  at  the  stile ! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  35 

Dolly.  Perhaps,  What  happened  ?  No,  I  don't  wish 
to  hear 

Rente.  Captain  Wentworth  assisted  me  over  the 
stile 

Dolly.    Well? 


Renie.  That's  all.  He  may  have  taken  a  little  longer 
about  it  than  was  quite  necessary,  and  I  may  have 
leaned  a  little  heavier  than  the  circumstances  required. 
But  it  was  all  done  in  perfectly  good  taste. 

Dolly.  [^Shakes  her  head.'\  It  can't  have  been  the 
stile. 

Renie.    Then  what ?    [Cudgels  her  brains.'^  The 

dairy ! 

Dolly.  Very  likely.  Was  that  very — no,  don't  tell 
me 

Renie.  There's  nothing  to  tell.  The  woman  at  the 
farm,  Mrs. 


Dolly.  Biggs 

Renie.  Biggs,  asked  me  to  go  over  her  model  dairy. 

Dolly.  Did  she  ask  Lucas  ? 

Renie.  He  came.    Mrs.  Biggs  insisted  on  our  tasting 

her  mince  pies 

Dolly.  Mince  pies — ?    Yes? 

Renie.  While  she  went  to  get  one- 

Dolly.  Get  one 


Renie.    She  wasn't  out  of  the  dairy  ten  seconds — 

Dolly.    No — and  then  ? 

Renie.    Captain  Wentworth a 

Dolly.    Respected  you ! 

Renie.  [Firing  up.^  He  is  always  most  respectful ! 
In  the  most  delicate,  exquisitely  chivalrous  way,  he 
implored  me  for  one  first  and  only  kiss,  and  just  as 
I  was  refusing  him,  somebody  passed  the  dairyj 
windows- 

Dolly.    My  father  often  strolls  that  way 


Renie.    But  I  was  quite  cold  and  correct [Very 


Z6  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

anxiously.']  Dolly,  tell  me  exactly  what  Mr.  Barron 
said  ? 

Dolly.  At  first  he  was  going  to  speak  to  you  him- 
self, but  I  said,  "  No,  that's  my  duty !  I'm  her  oldest 
friend;  I'll  talk  to  her!" 

Renie.    Ye — es  ? 

Dolly.  So,  at  last  he  consented,  and  said :  "  Very 
well.  Be  very  firm  with  her,  because  this  sort  of 
thing  taking  place  under  my  very  nose  and  under 
my  daughter's  roof  is  what  I  cannot,  and  will  not, 
tolerate  for  one  moment !  " 

Renie.    He  must  have  passed  the  dairy  windows  1 

Dolly.    Yes. 

Renie.    And  jumped  to  a  wrong  conclusion. 

Dolly.    Yes.    And  that  isn't  the  worst 

Renie.    \_Freshly  alarmed.']    Not  the  worst ? ! 

Dolly.    Now,  don't  be  alarmed,  dear 

Renie.    About  what  ? 

Dolly.  Didn't  you  notice  something  strange  in  your 
husband's  manner  at  dinner? 

Renie.     No.     What  makes  you  think ? 

Dolly.  My  dear,  if  my  father  noticed  it,  why  not 
your  husband?  Suppose  all  this  time  the  Professor 
has  been  quietly,  stealthily  watching  you  and  Lucas. 

Renie.    ^Alarmed.]    Dolly! 

Dolly.  ^  And  waiting  his  time — — 

Renie. '  Oh,  Dolly ! 

Dolly.  Didn't  you  notice  how  he  insisted  on  your 
going  to  the  fish-pond  ? 

Renie.    Yes,  he  did ! 

Dolly.  Didn't  it  strike  you  there  was  something  in 
that? 

Renie.    No,  and  he  hasn't  said  anything 

Dolly.  Of  course  not.  Naturally  he  would  hide  his 
suspicions  from  you  till  the  right  moment. 

Renie.    Right  moment  ? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  37 

Dolly.  Now,  dear,  you  see  how  serious  things  are. 
You  mustn't  run  any  more  risks.  This  must  be  broken 
off  to-night. 

Rente.    To-night  ? ! 

Dolly.    Now,  what  can  I  do  to  help  you? 

Rente.  You  might  tell  Mr.  Barron  there  was  nothing 
in  the  dairy  windows. 

Dolly.    Of  course  I'll  tell  him,  but  if  he  saw 

Rente.  But  there  was  nothing.  Absolutely  noth- 
ing  

Dolly.    No,  dear.    What  else  can  I  do? 

Rente.  Could  you  find  out  exactly  how  much  he 
has  seen  and  heard,  and — a — pump  him  a  little  ? 

Dolly.  I  don't  like  pumping  people — still — What 
else? 

Rente.  [Breaking  down.']  Oh,  Dolly,  this  blow 
could  not  have  fallen  at  a  more  cruel  moment. 

Dolly.     No,  dear. 

Rente.  It  came  just  when  I  had  lost  all  the  illusions 
of  girlhood,  when  all  my  woman's  nature  began  to 
cry  out 

Dolly.  Yes — [Suddenly.']  Hark!  [Listens.] 
Hush! 

\^Creeps  up  to  door,  listens,  opens  it,  looks  out, 
closes  it  again. 

Renie.    What  was  it? 

Dolly.  Hush !  Voices !  I  thought  it  might  be  Lucas 
and  the  Professor  quarrelling. 

Renie.    I  really  don't  think  my  husband  suspects 

Dolly.    No,  I  daresay  it's  only  my  imagination. 

Renie.  And  if  he  did — Dolly,  is  there  one  man 
living,  except  my  husband,  who  would  condemn  me 
for  being  the  object  of  a  noble,  single-hearted  devotion 
like  Captain  Wentworth's? 

Dolly.     No,  dear,  perhaps  not.     But,  you  see,  as 


-\l 


38  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

husbands  they  take  quite  a  different  view  of  things 
from  what  they  do  merely  as  men. 

Renie.  Tell  me  candidly,  Dolly,  you  see  nothing 
wrong  in  it,  do  you? 

Dolly.    Well,  dear,  when  you  say  wrong 

Renie.  But  I  assure  you  there  isn't — nothing  could 
be  further  from  my  thoughts. 

Dolly.  No,  dear — still,  people  are  so  full  of 
prejudice — now  what  can  I  do? 

Renie.  [Clasping  Dolly's  hand  warmly.]  Oh, 
Dolly,  you  can  help  me  so  much. 

Dolly.      [A  little  alarmed.']    Can  I  ?    Tell  me 

Renie.     If    Lucas    and    I    are   parted [Breaks 

down.]     I  can't  bear  it!    I  can't  bear  it! 

Dolly.    Try,  dear !    Try ! 

Renie.  [Sobbing.]  I  will.  And  if  at  any  time  I 
long  to  hear  how  he  bears  our  separation,  you  won't 
mind  receiving  a  letter,  and  sending  it  on  to  me  ? 

Dolly.  I'm  afraid  I  couldn't  do  that,  dear.  You  see, 
I'm  so  careless,  and  if  I  left  the  letter  about,  and 
Harry  found  it — no,  dear 

Renie.    You  won't  help  me  ? 

Dolly.  Yes,  dear,  I'll  do  anything  in  my  power! 
[Suddenly.]    I'll  tell  you  what  I  can  do! 

Renie.    Yes  ? 

Dolly.  My  father  is  telling  Lucas  he  must  leave  to- 
night. Well,  I  can  spare  you  all  the  pain  and  misery 
of  saying  "  Good-bye,"  and  take  one  last  message  to 
him. 

Renie.  [Curtly.]  No,  thank  you.  It's  most  unkind 
of  you  to  send  him  away  like  this.  I  must  see  him 
alone  before  he  goes. 

Dolly.  [Shakes  her  head.]  My  father  insists,  and 
suppose  Lucas  feels  that  he  owes  it  to  your  reputa- 
tion to  go  quietly 

Renie.    Without  seeing  me  ?  I 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  39 

Dolly.     And  suppose  the  Professor  is  really  watch-* 

ing  you 

[Renie  shows  great  perplexity.     Dolly  is 
watching  her. 

Dolly.  If  you  don't  see  Lucas,  what  message  shall 
I  take  him  ? 

Renie.  Tell  him  how  proud  I  am  of  his  noble,  un- 
selfish devotion;  tell  him  I  shall  always  look  upon 
it  as  the  one  supreme  happiness  of  my  life  to  have 
known  him 

The  Professor  and  Matthew  enter.  The  Professor 
has  diagrams  and  illustrations  in  his  hand.  Fol- 
lowing the  Professor  and  Matt  are  Harry  and 
Lucas.  Lucas,  after  a  little  time,  comes  up  to 
Dolly  and  Renie,  who  are  seated  on  sofa.  The 
Professor  is  speaking  to  Matt  as  he  enters,  and 
is  showing  him  an  illustration. 

Prof.     [In  his  hard,  metallic  voice. '\     Observe  that 
^  woman's  facial  angle — \_pointing'\   the  peculiar  curve 
of  the  lip,  and  the  irregular  formation  of  the  nose. 

[^Describing  a  little  upward  curve  on  the  paper 
with  his  thumb. 
Matt.    I  have  seen  sweeter  things  in  ladies'  lips  and 
noses, 

[Describing  the  same  little  upward  curve  with 
his  thumb  on  the  paper. 

Prof.    Can  you  be  surprised  at  her  history  ? 

Matt.    Who  was  she  ? 

Prof.  Jane  Sweetman,  the  notorious  trigamist. 
Looking  at  that  woman's  cranium  I  maintain  it  was 
impossible  for  her  to  avoid 

Matt.    Committing  trigamy  ? 
^     Prof.     Well,   some  species  of  grave  moral   delin- 
quency. 


.40  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

»  [Dolly  clutches  Renie's  wrist  significantly. 

The  Professor  hands  the  illustration  to 
Harry,  who  examines  it.  Matt  moves 
away  a  step  and  unobtrusively  feels  his 
own  nose  and  forehead. 

Harry.  [Has  examined  the  illustration.^  By  Jove, 
yes — anybody  can  see  she  was  bound  to  come  a  moral 
aopper,  eh? 

\^He  hands  the  illustration  to  Dolly,  who 
passes  it  to  Renie,  with  a  very  signifi- 
cant glance,  pointing  out  something  on 
the  papei'.  Lucas  leans  over  the  back  of 
the  sofa  between  Renie  and  Dolly  to 
look  at  the  illustration.  As  he  leans  on 
,  the  back  of  the  sofa,  Dolly  draws  her- 

self up  very  indignantly,  gives  him  a 
severe  look;  moves  a  little  away  from 
him,  sits  and  looks  very  severely  in  front 
of  her.  He  cannot  understand  her 
attitude,  draws  back  a  little  and  looks 
puzzled. 

Prof.  [Bringing  out  another  illustration,  offering  it 
h  Matt.]     Now  look  at  this. 

Matt.  [Taking  illustration.']     Somebody's  brains! 
^  Prof.    Tell  me  if  you  notice  anything  peculiar. 

[Harry  leans  over  Matt's  shoulder,  and 
looks  at  the  illustration.  Lucas  again 
leans  over  the  sofa,  between  Dolly  and 
Renie.  Dolly  again  moves  a  little 
further  away  from  him  with  another 
indignant  look.  Lucas  is  again  puzzled, 
but  bends  and  looks  over  the  illustration 
in  Renie's  hands. 

Lucas.     So  that's  Jane  Sweetman!     Well,  if  Jane 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  41 

was  bound  to  come  a  moral  cropper,  I'm  very  glad  I 
wasn't  bound  to  come  a  moral  cropper  with  Jane,  eh, 
Dolly  ?  [  Very  pleasantly. 

Dolly.  [Very  severely.^  I  should  scarcely  have 
thought  you  troubled  whom  you  came  a  moral  cropper 
with! 

[^Looks  at  him  severely,  goes  up  to  zvriting- 
desk,  seats  herself  and  writes  letter.  He 
feels  himself  snubbed,  and  moves  a  step 
or  two  back,  stands  and  looks  puzzled. 
Professor  has  been  critically  regarding 
Matt  and  Harry,  who  have  been  look- 
ing at  the  illustration. 

■^    Prof.    Well,  does  anything  strike  you? 

Matt.  No.  [Holding  it  out.'\  Looks  rather  pulpy 
— rather — a — squashy 

Prof.  Exactly!  Observe  the  soft,  almost  watery 
condition  of  that  gray  matter.  What  is  the  inevitable 
consequence  ? 

Matt.     I  couldn't  quite  say — whom  did  that  gray 
matter  belong  to  ? 
^  Prof.    Harriet  Poy. 

Matt.    I  don't  remember  Harriet 

Prof.  The  Pyromaniac.  At  the  age  of  four  set  fire 
to  her  mother's  bed.  At  twelve  was  found  saturating 
blankets  with  petroleum;  at  sixteen  fired  three  hay- 
ricks, for  which  she  was  sentenced  to  six  months' 
imprisonment. 

Matt.  Poor  Harriet!  But  of  course  if  her  gray 
matter  went  and  got  watery 

Prof.  Just  so!  I  maintain  that  with  her  gray 
matter  in  that  condition  it  was  a  stupid  crime  to  send 
her  to  prison. 

Dolly.  [Looking  round  from  desk.^  But  what 
are  we  to  do  with  people  whose  gray  matter  goes 
wrong  ? 


~1 


42  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Prof.  I  propose  to  deal  with  that  question  at  Edin- 
burgh.    [To  Matt.]     You  might,  perhaps,  care  to  run 

down  to  Edinburgh  for  my  lectures 

Matt.    I  should  love  it  above  all  things ;  but  the  fact 

is,  Vm  so  thoroughly  of  your  opinion 

Prof.     Are   you?!      I'm   delighted   I've   convinced 
r  you. 

Matt.  Completely.  All  my  life  I've  been  doing 
things  I  should  never  have  dreamed  of  doing  if  my 
gray  matter  had  done  its  duty  and  not  got  watery. 

Harry.  [Begins. '\  Yes,  when  you  come  to  think  of 
all  the  rotten  things  you  find  yourself  doing,  you  feel, 

by  Jove 

[Suddenly  recalls  that  he  has  said  "  by  Jove," 
and  being  near  the  collection-box,   he 
quietly  pulls  sixpence  out  of  his  pocket 
and  drops  it  in. 
Matt.    Bravo,  Harry !  [Patting  him. 

Harry.    Oh,  I  mean  it ! — Professor,  isn't  it  time  for 
our  hundred  up? 
'^  Prof.     [Taking  out  watch. ^     In  two  minutes. 

Harry.    I'll  go  and  get  the  balls  out  and  chalk  the 
cues.     [Going  up  to  door.]     Doll,  [taps  the  writing- 
desk]  you  put  it  off  after  tea — by-and-by,  you  know! 
Dolly.    [She  has  finished  letter,  has  risen,  and  closed 
writing-desk. "]    By-and-by. 
Harry.    Before  we  go  to  bed— don't  forget. 
Dolly.    Oh,  I  sha'n't  forget. 

[Makes  a  wry  face.    Exit  Harry. 
Prof.     Renie,  you  were  complaining  of  headache. 
It  would  be  wise  to  take  a  short  stroll  in  the  cool  air. 
Renie.    Oh,  very  well. 

Prof.      Wrap    up   thoroughly.      Ten    minutes,    not 
^  longer. 

[Exit.    Dolly,  unseen  by  Renie  and  Lucas, 
slips  the  note  she  has  been  writing  into 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  43 

Matt's  hands.  He  takes  it  down  stage, 
fight,  and  reads  it.  Renie  and  Lucas 
have  been  talking,  apart;  they  move  to- 
wards the  door  to  get  out,  hut  Dolly  is 
standing  in  the  way  of  their  exit. 
Dolly.  Oh,  Renie!  I'll  put  on  my  things,  and  come 
with  you. 

Renie.    But  Captain  Wentworth  has  offered 

Dolly.  I've  a  splitting  headache — I  must  get  a  little 
air.  And  Dad  wants  to  have  a  talk  with  Lucas,  don't 
you  ? 

Matt.    If  he  can  spare  five  minutes. 
Lucas.    Won't  by-and-by  be  just  as  convenient? 
Dolly.     [Facing  Lucas,  speaking  firmly. '\     No,  by- 
and-by  will  not  be  just  as  convenient.     Now,  Renie, 
we'll  leave  them  together. 

[Gets    Renie    off,    turns,   looks   daggers   at 

Lucas,  goes  off  after  Renie,  closes  door 

in  his  face.    He  opens  it,  and  goes  after 

her. 

Lucas.    I  say,  Doll,  what's  up?     [Follows  her  off.'\ 

What's  the  matter? 

Matt.  [Reading  Dolly's  note.']  "  Be  very  severe 
with  him.  Make  a  great  point  of  the  dairy  windows. 
He'll  understand."     Dairy  windows? 

[Puts  the  note  in  his  pocket,  as  Lucas  re- 
enters, puzzled  and  disappointed. 

Lucas.  I  can't  think  what's  the  matter  with  Dolly. 
She  has  done  nothing  but  snub  me  all  the  evening. 

Matt.  [Looking  at  him  sternly].  So  I  should 
imagine ! 

Lucas.  [Startled  by  his  manner.]  1  say,  have  I 
done  anything? 

Matt.  Done  anything!  I'm  a  man  of  the  world! 
nobody    can    accuse    me    of    being    strait-laced,    and 


44  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

therefore  I  suppose  you  think  you  can  come  here  and 
set  at  defiance  all  thie it's  disgraceful ! 

Lucas.  Would  you  mind  telling  me  what  you're 
hinting  at  ? 

Matt.  I'm  not  hinting!  I'm  going  to  speak  out 
very  plainly,  and  I  tell  you  that  I  look  upon  your 
conduct  as  something  atrocious! 

Lucas.    1  say,  Uncle,  what's  all  this  about  ? 

Matt.  What's  it  about?  What's  it  about?  It's 
about  the  dairy  windows ! 

Lucas.    Then  it  was  you — phew ! — so  it  was  you  ? 

Matt.  Well,  after  the  dairy  windows,  can  you  stand 
there  and  tell  me  you  aren't  thoroughly,  completely, 
heartily  ashamed  of  yourself  ? 

Lucas.  Well,  I  suppose  I  am.  But,  after  all,  it 
wasn't  so  very  bad 

Matt.    Not  bad?  I 

Lucas.    Well,  not  so  d — ee — d  awful. 

Matt.  [Regards  him  for  a  few  moments. '\  Well, 
I'm  astonished !  If  you  don't  consider  your  behaviour 
d — ee — d  awful,  will  you  please  find  me  some  word 
that  will  describe  it? 

Lucas.  You  know  you're  putting  a  much  worse 
construction  on  this  than  the  necessities  of  the  case 
demand. 

Matt.    What?! 

Lucas.  I've  nothing  to  reproach  myself  with.  Mrs. 
Biggs  wasn't  out  of  the  dairy  three  minutes,  and  you 
were  hanging  about  the  windows  all  the  time. 

Matt.    I  was  hanging  about  the  windows? 

Lucas.  Yes,  and  I  must  say  that  when  you  saw  two 
people  engaged  in  an  interesting  conversation  the 
least  you  could  do  was  to  pass  on  and  take  no  notice. 

Matt.    "  Interesting  conversation  "  ? ! 

Lucas.  Well,  what  did  you  call  it?  If  it  comes  to 
that,  what  do  you  accuse  me  of  ? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  45 

Matt.  Well,  here  you  are,  on  the  first  day  of  the 
year,  after  listening  to  a  most  eloquent  sermon,  after 
making  a  solemn  resolution  to  give  up  all  your  bad 
habits 

Lucas.  Excuse  me,  I  expressly  stated  that  I  didn't 
mean  to  give  up  all  my  bad  habits.  And  I  don't  call 
this  a  bad  habit. 

Matt.  You  don't  call  making  love  to  a  married 
woman  a  bad  habit  ? ! 

Lucas.  Of  course  in  one  sense  it  is  a  bad  habit. 
But  it  isn't  a  bad  habit  in  the  sense  that  other  bad 
habits  are  bad  habits.  Look  at  all  the  decent  chaps 
who've  been  led  into  it ! 

Matt.  That  doesn't  excuse  you.  And  if  you  think 
that  I'm  going  to  countenance  your  conduct,  you  are 
very  much  mistaken  in  your  estimate  of  my  character. 

Lucas,  \yery  quietly.']  May  I  ask  you  one  simple 
question  ? 

Matt.    Well? 

Lucas.  When  you  were  my  age,  if  you  found  your- 
self alone  in  a  dairy  with  a  good-looking  woman,  and 
she  was  good  for  a  dozen  kisses  or  so,  wouldn't  you 
have  taken  advantage  of  it? 

Matt.    No! 

Lucas.    Not  at  my  age  ? 

Matt.    No — no — — 

Lucas.    Well,  what  would  you  have  done  ? 

Matt.    I  should  have  summoned  all  my  resolution — 

Lucas,  Oh,  that  be  hanged!  Come,  Uncle,  no 
humbug !    Man  to  man ! 

Matt.  Well,  I  don't  say  that  at  your  age  I  might 
not  have  been  tempted — and  of  course  we  must  all  go 
through  a  certain  amount  of  experience,  or  how  should 
we  be  able  to  advise  you  youngsters  ? 

Lucas.  I  say,  no  confounded  nonsense — your  uncle 
Archie 


46  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.    Dear  old  chap ! 

Lucas.    What  use  did  you  make  of  his  advice  ? 

Matt.     Well,  I   remember  his  talking  to  me  very 
seriously— I   suppose   I   was   about  your  age— did   I 
ever   tell    you,    Lucas,    [taking    Lucas's    arm    affec-* 
tionately]  about  a  very  remarkable  auburn-haired  girl, 
Madge  Seaforth? 

Lucas.    No. 

.  Matt.    And  my  racing  her  across  Salisbury  Plain  at 
night  ? 

Lucas.    No. 

Matt.  Forty-eight  miles  one  glorious  May  night! 
I  let  her  beat  me!  God  bless  her!  I  let  her  beat  me! 
And  just  as  the  sun  rose  we  caught  sight  of  Salisbury 
spire. 

Lucas.    Sounds  rather  jolly! 

Matt.  Jolly?  And  the  bacon  and  eggs  we  got 
through  for  breakfast!  Jolly?  It  was  romance!  It 
was  poetry!  Ah!  Lu,  my  boy,  you  may  say  what 
you  like,  there's  nothing  like  it  on  this  side  heaven.  I 
told  you  about  Mrs.  Satterwaite  dressing  up  as  a 
widow  and  selling  her  husband  ? 

Lucas.    No? 

Matt.  Well,  I  bet  the  little  hussy  a  fiver.  Oh,  Sat- 
terwaite richly  deserved  all  he  got — I  can  see  Satter- 
waite's  face  now,  and  hers,  as  she  stepped  out  of  the 
cupboard,  with  the  wickedest  twinkle  in  the  wickedest 
black  eye!  Ho!  Ho!  Heigho!  Sad!  Sad!!  Sad!!!— 
Sad !  Sad ! !  Sad ! ! !  Come,  come,  Lucas !  This  won't 
do!  This  will  never  do!  Now  to  get  back  to  this 
business  of  yours — — 

Lucas.    Well 

Matt.  When  I  was  your  guardian  I  let  you  have  a 
pretty  good  fling? 

Lucas.    You  did ! 

Matt.     The  pace  was  rather  scorching? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  47 

Lucas.    Rather ! 

Matt.     I  never  pulled  you  up  ? 

Lucas.     No,  and  I'm  grateful. 

\_Shaking  hands  very  cordially. 

Matt.  That's  all  right.  Now,  old  chap,  you've  got 
to  pull  up ! 

Lucas.    Pull  up  ? 

Matt.  Short.  This  Mrs.  Sturgess — Dolly  says 
there's  a  lot  of  nonsense  going  on,  gushing  letters  and 
so  on, — damned  silly  thing  writing  letters,  Lu 

Lucas.    Yes,  I  know. 

Matt.    Well,  what  do  you  do  it  for? 

Lucas.    I  don't  know. 

Matt.  You're  seeing  her  every  day.  If  you  must 
carry  on  this  tomfoolery,  why  not  do  it  by  word  of 
mouth?  Why  write  it  down,  to  show  what  an  ass 
you've  been? 

Lucas.    I'm  sure  I  don't  know. 

Matt.  Do  you  know  why  you're  carrying  on  with 
her  at  all? 

Lucas.     Well,  naturally  a  chap — naturally 

Matt.    You're  either  in  love  with  her,  or  you  aren't  ? 

Lucas.    I  can't  say  I'm  exactly  in  love  with  her 

Matt.    Then  why  are  you  making  love  to  her? 

Lucas.  Well,  she's  a  jolly  good-looking  woman, 
and  naturally  a  chap — naturally — I  don't  know  that 
I  ain't  a  bit  in  love  with  her. 

Matt.  Well,  it  doesn't  much  matter.  If  you  aren't 
in  love  with  her  you're  a  fool  to  risk  a  scandal.  If 
you  are  in  love  you'll  most  likely  do  some  silly  jackass 
thing  that  will  knock  your  career  on  the  head,  eh? 

Lucas.    Well,  when  you  look  at  it  that  way 

Matt.  Look  at  it  that  way!  Anyhow,  she's  a 
married  woman,  and  you're  here  as  a  guest — it  isn't 
the  right  thing  to  do,  is  it  ? 

Lucas.    No,  it  isn't. 


48  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  Very  well,  then,  don't  do  it.  Don't  do  it! 
Cut  it !    You  will  ? 

Lucas.    I've  got  to,  I  suppose. 

Matt.  Yes,  you've  got  to.  You  can  tell  Doll  I  gave 
it  to  you  hot  and  strong,  and  you're  going  to  clear 
out,  and  not  see  Mrs.  Sturgess  again 

Lucas.    Not  see  her  again  ? 

Matt.    Isn't  that  what  you  mean  to  do  ? 

Lucas.  Yes,  I  suppose.  I  say,  what  did  you  see  at 
the  dairy  windows? 

Matt.    I  didn't  see  anything  at  all ! 

Lucas.     Nothing  at  all? 

Matt.    I  wasn't  there ! 

Lucas.    Then  how ? 

Matt.    Dolly  put  me  up  to  it.  \_Laughs  at  hint. 

Lucas.    Dolly  ? 
Dolly  enters  with  a  cloak  which  she  throws  on  sofa. 

Matt.    Ah,  Doll 

Dolly.  [Looking  severely  at  Lucas.]  Have  you 
spoken  to  him? 

Matt.  Yes,  very  seriously,  extra  seriously,  and  he's 
going  to  do  the  right  thing  and  clear  out,  aren't  you, 
Lucas  ? 

Lucas.    [A  little  unwillingly. ~\    Yes. 

Matt.  [Clapping  him  on  the  shoulder.^  Good  chap! 
Good  chap! 

Dolly.  [Still  a  little  severe. ~\  I'm  pleased  to  hear  it. 
[To  Lucas.]  You've  behaved  in  a  most  scanda- 
lous  

Matt.  He  has.  I've  told  him  all  that.  [Winks  at 
Dolly  to  keep  her  quiet. '\  And  he  sees  it  quite 
plainly,  don't  you?     [Winks  at  Lucas  to  prompt  him. 

Dolly.    Then  it's  quite  broken  off? 

Matt.    Quite!    Isn't  it,  Lu? 

Lucas.    Yes,  I  suppose.    I  should  like  to  say 

Dolly.    Yes? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  49 

Lucas.  That  nothing  has  taken  place  which,  if 
rightly  looked  at,  could  reflect  discredit  either  upon  the 
lady,  or,  I  hope,  upon  myself.  And  secondly,  whatever 
fault  there  may  have  been,  is  entirely  mine. 

Matt.  That's  satisfactory!  It  always  ought  to  be 
the  man's  fault.  Heavert  forbid  it  should  ever  be 
theirs.  Good  chap!  Good  chap!  [^Patting  him.] 
Dolly,  he's  behaving  splendidly.  Now,  Lu,  good- 
night. [Dolly  rings  bell, 

Lucas.    \_Surprised.'\    Good-night?! 

Dolly.     Good-night,  and  good-bye! 

[^Holding  out  her  hand. 

Lucas.    You  aren't  going  to  turn  me  out  to-night  I 

Dolly.    You  said  it  was  quite  broken  oflF. 

Lucas.    Yes,  but [turns  to  Matt  with  appealing 

gesture]  Uncle,  you  didn't  mean  to  pack  me  off  like 
this 

Matt.  Yes,  my  boy  I  Remember  the  occasion.  First 
day  of  the  New  Year.  Take  time  by  the  forelock.  Off 
you  go! 

[Taking   him    by    the   shoulder   and    trying 
to  get  him  off. 

Lucas.  [Resisting.]  Oh  no!  I  don't  see  it  in  that 
light  at  all.  [Sinks  comfortably  into  arm-chair. 

Criddle  appears  at  door. 

Dolly.  *  Criddle,  please  have  Captain  Wentworth*s 
portmanteau  taken  to  the  billiard-room. 

Criddle.    Yes,  ma'am. 

Dolly.  He  wishes  to  change  there,  and  please  send 
to  the  Red  Lion  and  ask  them  to  have  Captain  Went- 
worth's  horse  saddled. 

Criddle.     Yes,  ma'am.  [Going. 

Lucas.    Criddle,  what's  the  weather  like? 

Criddle.  It's  a  bit  colder,  sir.  Looks  as  if  we  were 
going  to  have  another  heavy  fall  of  snow. 


50  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas.  I  don't  think  I'll  go  to-night,  Criddle.  If  I 
want  the  gee  saddled,  I'll  go  and  tell  them  myself. 

Criddle.    Yes,  sir.  [Exit. 

Lucas.  [In  arm-chair.^  I  say,  Dolly,  you  don't 
really  expect  me  to  go  careering  over  that  heath  at  this 
ungodly  hour? 

Dolly.  You  can't  stay  here.  Renie  is  very  much 
upset;  she  has  had  hysterics.  So  I've  put  her  in  the 
spare  room. 

Lucas.  Well,  you  can  give  me  a  shake-down  some- 
where— in  the  billiard-room. 

Dolly.  [Shakes  her  head.']  I  can't  ask  the  servants 
to  make  up  impossible  beds  in  impossible  places  at 
this  ungodly  hour. 

Lucas.    I  call  this  beastly  unfair  of  you,  Doll. 

Doll.-  Unfair? 

Lucas.  Just  as  I'd  summoned  up  all  my  resolution 
to  do  the  right  thing,  and  avoid  ructions  for  your 
sake,  you  pounce  down  on  me,  and  order  me  off  the 
premises,  and 

Dolly.  [Getting  angry.]  If  you  don't  behave  your- 
self and  go  off  quietly,  I  shall  have  to  order  you  off 
the  premises. 

[Makes  an  appeal  by  gesture  to  Matt  to  get 
him  off. 

Matt.  Now,  my  hero !  [Lifting  him  out  of. the  arm- 
chair.] Buckle  on  your  armor!  Sally  forth!  Once 
more  unto  the  breach ! 

[With  some  difficulty  he  raises  Lucas  out  of 
the  chair. 
Lucas.    Well,  I'll  go  and  have  a  look  at  the  weather. 
[Goes  sulkily  up  to  door.]     Mind  you,  if  you  turn  me 

out  I  won't  be  responsible  if  there's  a  flare-up 

Dolly.  Very  well,  so  long  as  we  don't  have  a 
flare-up  here.    Oh !  [Rings  the  hell  again. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  51 

Lucas.  \_Goes  off,  sulky,  muttering. 1  Of  all  the—* 
turning  me  out — beastly  infernal  nuisance ! 

\_Exit  grumbling,  leaving  door  open. 

Dolly.  It  would  serve  them  both  right  if  there  was 
to  be  a  flare-up — only  Fm  sure  she'd  drag  me  into  it 
somehow.  [Criddle  appears  at  door.'\  Please  send 
and  ask  them  at  the  Red  Lion  to  saddle  Captain  Went- 
worth's  horse  and  send  it  here  at  once. 

Criddle.     Yes,  ma'am.  [Exit, 

Dolly.  Lucas  is  going  to  behave  as  badly  over  this 
as  he  did  over  the  governess.    Dad — — ! 

Matt.    Well? 

Dolly.  Of  course,  Lucas  is  in  the  army,  but  surely 
he — he  isn't  a  fair  sample  ? 

Matt.  Oh  no,  oh  no!  Lucas  is  very  exceptional — 
quite  exceptional. 

Dolly.    I  thought  so !    They  can't  all  be 

Matt.    Oh  no !    Fm  glad  to  say 

.    Dolly.    Fm  determined  he  shall  go  to-night. 

Lucas  re-enters. 

Lucas.  I  say,  Dolly,  I  wish  you'd  come  and  look  at 
the  weather. 

Dolly.    What  for? 

Lucas.  There's  a  great  black  cloud — it's  going  to 
come  down ! 

Dolly.  [Enraged. '\  I  don't  care  if  the  heavens  come 
down !    You're  going  back  to  Aldershot  to-night. 

Lucas.    But  I  tell  you [Appeals  to  Matt.]     It's 

simply  impossible  for  .me  to  ride  across  that  heath 

Matt.  But  you  rode  across  it  last  night  in  a  howl- 
ing snowstorm 

Lucas.  Yes,  I  did!  Last  night!  And  never  again, 
thank  you!  No!  I  don't  mind  shaking  down  any- 
where to  oblige 

[He  is  about  to  drop  again  into  the  arm-chair. 


52  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

but  Matt  gently  pushes  him  aside  and 
drops  into  the  chair  himself. 

Lucas.    [Going  to  sofa.]    Anywhere  to  oblige! 

[Drops  comfortably  on  to  sofa. 

Dolly.  [Comes  up  to  him  finally.]  Lucas,  this  is 
abominable !  I  suppose  you  think  because  we  treated 
you  so  leniently  over  that  wretched  governess 

Lucas.  Well,  I  thought  you  were  pretty  deuced  hard 
down  on  us 

Dolly.    What?!  Oh!  [Appeals  to  Matt. 

Lucas.  I  didn't  mind  your  slanging  me,  but  you 
might  have  had  a  little  consideration  for  her  feelings, 
because,  after  all,  she  was  one  of  your  own  sex ! 

Dolly.    My  own  sex!    The  minx! 

Lucas.    And  an  orphan ! 

Dolly.  Orphan!  [To  Matt.]  Go  and  speak  to 
him !    Go  and  speak  to  him ! 

[Matt  rises  and  goes  to  Lucas.    Dolly  sits 
down  in  despair. 

Matt.  Come,  Lu.  You're  not  playing  the  game! 
You  promised  to  take  yourself  off. 

Lucas.  [Comfortably  seated.]  Well,  I  will  take 
myself  off,  only  let  me  take  myself  off  in  my  own  way. 

Dolly.  It's  useless  your  staying!  Renie  won't  see 
you  again. 

Lucas.    Won't  she? 

Dolly.    No.    She  gave  me  a  last  message  for  you — — 

Lucas.    Did  she  ?    Why  didn't  you  give  it  to  me  ? 

Dolly.    If  I  tell  you,  will  you  take  yourself  off? 

Lucas.    Yes,  of  course.    What  was  her  last  message? 

Dolly.  She  said  "  She  should  always  value  your 
noble  devotion,  and  be  proud  that  she  had  known 
you;  but  you  must  see  how  hopeless  it  was,  and  that 
she  trusted  you  would  go  away  at  once  and  leave  her 
to  respect  you,  as  you  had  always  respected  her ! " 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  53 

Matt.     A  very  pretty,  touching  little  adieu!     Does 
her  great  credit.    Now,  Lu !    Cut  it !    Come,  my  boy ! 

\_Lifts  him  up  off  sofa.    Lucas  gets  up  very 
reluctantly. 
Lucas.    Well,  if  I  must  go — good-night ! 
Matt.     Good-night.     [Shaking  hands.]     I  may  see 
you  to-morrow  afternoon. 
Lucas.     Where  ? 

Matt.     I'm  driving  over  to  Aldershot  to   see  Sir 
John.    I  shall  look  you  up 


Lucas.    I  may  not  be  there  in  the  afternoon- 
Dolly.     Lucas,  you're  coming  over  here- 


Lucas.     No — no;  I'm  not.     You  shouldn't  suspect 


me. 


Dolly.    It  won't  be  the  least  use  your  coming 

Lucas.    I  know  that.    Well,  good-bye,  Doll 

Dolly.     Good-bye.  [Shaking  hands. 

Lucas.  [^Is  going  up  to  door  slowly  and  reluctantly, 
turns. ~\  I  suppose  if  I  were  to  give  you  my  solemn 
promise  I  wouldn't  see  her,  I  couldn't  shake  down  on 
that  sofa. 

Dolly.     \_Sternly  and  decisively.]     No! 

Lucas.  [^Goes  a  few  more  steps  towards  door, 
turns. ^  I  suppose  I  couldn't  see  Mrs.  Sturgess? 
[Dolly  looks  indignant.]    Only  to  say  good-bye. 

Dolly.  No !  She  was  nearly  undressed  when  I  left 
her.     She's  asleep  by  now  ! 

Enter  Renie  fidly  dressed,  looking  very  interesting  and 
tearfvd.     Throughout  the  scene  she  preserves  the 
air  of  a  martyr. 
Dolly.     [Indignantly.^    Renie,  you  promised  me  you 
wouldn't  come  downstairs  again! 

Renie.  Yes,  dear,  but  I  felt  I  couldn't  rest  under 
your  father's  unjust  suspicious.  [Goes  up  to  Matt, 
'seizes  his  hand  sympathetically.]     Dolly  tells  rrl'e  you 


f 


54  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

have  been  watching  the  friendship  that  all  uncon- 
sciously has  sprung  up  between  Captain  Wentworth 
and  myself 

Matt.    [  Uncomfortable.  ]    Not  exactly  watching 

Renie.  I  feel  you  may  have  seen,  or  guessed  some- 
thing, that  has  given  you  a  wrong  impression. 

Matt.    No,  no !    I  assure  you 

Renie.  If  you  have,  I  beg  you  to  speak  out  and  give 
us  a  chance  of  defending  ourselves.  Tell  us  exactly 
what  you  have  seen,  and  what  you  suspect 

Matt.  My  dear  Mrs.  Sturgess,  I  haven't  seen  any- 
thing, and  I  don't  suspect  anything. 

Renie.    You  really  mean  that  ? 

Matt.    Yes — yes 

Renie.  [Clasping  his  hand  eagerly. '\  Thank  you  so 
much.  Friendship  between  a  man  and  a  woman  is  so 
misunderstood. 

Matt.    It  is. 

Dolly.  Yes,  Lucas  had  a  friendship  with  a  governess 
here  which  we  all  misunderstood — till  afterwards. 

Lucas.    I  say,  Dolly,  don't  you 

Renie.  Now  that  there  is  no  chance  of  your  mis- 
judging our  friendship,  I  don't  mind  saying [Shows 

signs  of  breaking  down.].  You  won't  misunderstand 
me?  [Clinging  to  his  hand. 

Matt.    No,  no! 

Renie.  My  life  has  not  been  altogether  a  happy 
one. 

Matt.    I'm  sure  it  hasn't! 

Renie.  Under  other  circumstances — ^let  that  pass! 
[Wrings  Matt's  hands.]  Thank  you,  thank  you! 
[Goes  to  Lucas.]  Captain  Wentworth,  I  shall  always 
be  proud  to  have  known  you. 

Dolly,    I've  told  him  all  that! 

[Matt  hushes  Dolly  with  a  gesture, 

Renie.    I  shall  always  cherish  the  memory  of  our 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  55 

friendship,  but  it  might  be  misunderstood,  and  so 
[breaking  down,  hut  hearing  up  with  an  effort^,  you 
will  behave  like  the  gallant  gentleman  I  know  you  to 
be,  and  say  good-bye  to  me  for  ever! 

Matt.     Nobly  spoken  !     Very  nobly  spoken  indeed ! 

Lucas.    Well,  if  you  insist 

Renie.     I  do!     Good-bye  for  ever! 

Lucas.    Good-bye.     [They  have  a  long  hand-shake. 

Renie.    Good-bye. 

[Tears  herself  away  from  him  and  tragically 
throws  herself  on  sofa.  Lucas  follows 
her  up. 

Lucas.    I  say,  Mrs.  Sturgess 

Renie.  [Face  huried  in  hands,  moans  out.]  Go,  go ! 
In  pity's  name  don't  make  it  harder  for  me ! 

Matt.     In  pity's  name  don't  make  it  harder  for  her. 

Dolly.  [Looking  off  at  door.'\  They'll  be  coming 
out  of  the  billiard-room  directly. 

Matt.     Now,  Lucas 

Griddle  appears  at  door. 

Criddle.    Your  horse  is  waiting  for  you,  sir. 

Lucas.    My  horse  ?  ! 

Criddle.     Yes,  sir,  just  outside. 

Lucas.  What  on  earth  do  they  mean?  A  valuable 
horse  like  that — just  clipped — standing  about  on  a 
night  like  this — who  told  them? 

Dolly.  I  did.  The  horse  is  waiting  to  take  you  back 
to  Aldershot. 

Lucas.  I  can't  go  back  to  Aldershot  in  this  kit. 
[Pointing  to  his  dress-clothes.']  Tell  them  to  take  it 
back  to  the  Red  Lion! 

Dolly.  And  Criddle,  give  the  man  Captain  Went- 
worth's  portmanteau  to  take  to  the  Red  Lion  at  the 
same  time. 

Criddle.    Yes,  ma'am.  [Exit, 


56  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas.      [Grumbling.]     Well,  of  all Good-bye, 

Mrs.  Sturgess. 

Dolly.     You've  said  good-bye 

Rente.    [Still  tragic  on  sofa.'\    Farewell — for  ever! 

Lucas.    Good-night,  Dolly ! 

Dolly.    Farev^ell — for  a  good  long  time. 

\_Shaking  hands. 
Lucas.    Good-night,  Uncle. 

Matt.    Good-night,  Lucas.  [^Shaking  hands. 

Lucas.  [Turns  at  door.'\  Happen  to  have  your 
cigar-case  handy? 

[Matt  takes  out  cigar-case,  offers  it. 

Lucas.    Could  you  spare  two? 

Matt.    Certainly ! 

Lucas,  I've  got  a  jolly  long  ride,  I'll  take  three  if 
you  don't  mind. 

Matt.    Do ! 

Lucas.     Thank'ee.     Well,  good-niglit,  everybody. 

[Matt  gets  Lucas  off,  closes  door  after  him. 

Renie.  [Rouses  herself  from  sofa.~\  Has  he  gone? 
Is  it  all  over? 

Dolly.     I  hope  so.  [Goes  and  rings  bell  twice. 

Renie.  [Goes  to  Matt  impulsively — and  seises  his 
hand.]  At  least  this  bitter  experience  has  gained  me 
one  true  friend. 

Matt.    [Embarrassed.]    Yes 

Renie.  [Wrings  his  hand  in  gratitude.]  Thank  you 
so  much 

[He  gets  away  from  her  and  shows  reliefs- 
takes  out  cigar  and  prepares  to  light  it. 

Renie.  [Standing  in  the  middle  of  the  room,  pitying 
herself.]  That's  where  we  get  the  worst  of  it,  we 
-women  who  have  hearts!  We  must  feel,  we  must 
show  our  feelings,  and  then  we  get  trampled  down  in 
the  fight.    Oh,  Dolly,  how  I  envy  you  your  nature! 


J 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  57 

Dolly.  [Very  chilly.']  Are  you  going  into  the  spare 
room,  dear? 

Rente.  Anywhere!  Anywhere!  Yes,  tht  spare 
room ! 

Peters,  Dolly's  maidy  appears  at  door. 

Dolly.  Peters,  will  you  bank  up  the  fire  in  the 
spare  room  and  make  everything  comfortable  for 
Mrs.  Sturgess? 

Peters.     Yes,  ma'am.  [Exit. 

Renie.  [Still  in  the  middle  of  the  room,  pitying 
herself.]     So  my  poor  little  tragedy  is  ended! 

[To  Matt. 

Matt.  Yes.  Well,  let's  be  thankful  no  bones  are 
broken ! 

Renie.  No  bones,  but  how  about  hearts?  Well,  I 
must  bear  it.     [With  a  weary  smile.]     Mustn't  I? 

Matt.    I'm  afraid  you  must. 

Renie.  Good-night !  [  Wrings  his  hand  zvith  grati- 
tude.]    Good-night! 

Matt.    Good-night. 

[Gets  away  from  her,  and  busies  himself  with 
his  cigar,  lights  it. 

Renie.    Good-night,  Dolly! 

Dolly.  I'll  come  up  with  you,  and  stay  till  you're 
quite  comfortable. 

Rente.  Shall  I  ever  be  comfortable  again?  Will 
things  ever  be  the  same  ?    I  wonder ! 

[Goes  off  mournfully  and  tragically  at  hack 
with  a  prolonged  sigh.  Matt  has 
seated  himself  on  sofa  and  taken  up 
paper. 

Dolly.  [Calls  his  attention  to  Rente's  exit  and 
makes  a  furious  gesture  after  her.]  I  know  she'll  be 
here   next    Christmas !      [Marches   down   enraged   to 


58  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt  and  repeats  in  an  angry,  aggrieved  way,  em- 
phasizing each  word.]  I  know  that  woman  will  be 
here  next  Christmas! 

Matt.      [Seated   comfortably   with   his    cigar   and 
paper]     I  daresay  she  will 

[Dolly  marches  indignantly  and  decisively 
to  door  and  exit. 

CURTAIN. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  59 

{Half  an  hour  passes  between  Acts  II  and  III.) 
ACT  IIL 

Scene  :     The  same.    Discover  Matt  in  the  same  seat 
and  attitude,  with  paper  and  cigar.    Dolly  enters. 

Matt.     Well?? 

Dolly.    I've  had  an  awful  time  with  her 

Matt.     How  ? 

Dolly.  [Seated.]  First  she  had  another  fit  of  hys- 
terics— then  she  longed  to  go  out  into  the  night  air  to 
cool  her  fevered  brow — then  she  moaned  out  some- 
thing about  her  noble  Lucas 

Matt.     And  now? 

Dolly.  I've  persuaded  her  to  let  Peters  undress  her. 
I've  got  her  off  my  hands  at  last. 

Matt.    That's  a  comfort. 

Dolly.    Dad! 

Matt.    Yes. 

Dolly.    I  won't  have  her  here  next  Christmas. 

Matt.    No,  I  wouldn't. 

Dolly.  [Repeats  in  a  slow,  aggrieved,  enraged  way, 
emphasizing  each  syllable.']  Whatever  happens,  I  will 
not  have  that  woman  in  my  house  next  Christmas. 
You  hear  that  ? 

Matt.  Yes.  You  won't  have  her  here  next  Christ- 
mas! 

Dolly.  I  mean  it,  this  time.  And  I  won't  have  Lucas 
here  again  for  a  very  long  time. 

Matt.     I  wouldn't. 

Dolly.  [Seated  beside  him.]  Dad,  please  put  away 
that  paper.  You're  going  over  to  Aldershot  to-mor- 
row to  try  to  get  Lucas  exchanged? 

Matt.    I'll  try. 

Dolly.    Where  can  you  get  him  sent? 


6o  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  Gibralter— India— South  Africa— according 
as  an  appointment  happens  to  be  vacant. 

Dolly.    The  further  the  better,  and  the  longer. 

Peters  appears  at  door. 

Dolly.  Well,  Peters,  have  you  made  Mrs.  Sturgess 
comfortable? 

Peters.    I'm  trying  to,  ma'am. 

Dolly.    Is  she  in  bed  yet? 

Peters.     No,  ma'am. 

Dolly.    Not  in  bed ! 

Peters.     No,  ma'am,  but  she  seems  rather  quieter. 

Dolly.     She  let  you  undress  her,  I  suppose? 

Peters.  I'm  just  going  to,  ma'am.  She  says  her 
brain  is  still  throbbing. 

Dolly.     Throbbing! 

Peters.    And  could  you  lend  her  your  hop-pillow  ? 

Dolly.     You'll  find  it  in  my  wardrobe. 

Peters.    Yes,  ma'am. 

Dolly.  Peters,  pat  up  the  hop-pillow  for  her,  and 
insist  on  undressing  her 

Peters.    Yes,  ma'am.  [Going. 

Dolly.  Don't  leave  her  till  you've  seen  her  com- 
fortably in  bed. 

Peters.  No,  ma'am. 

\^Exit.    A  gust  of  wind  and  a  little  rattle  of 
hail  on  the  conservatory  window. 

Matt.    Whew!   iThe  New  Year  means  business! 

Dolly.    And  so  do  I,  as  Lucas  will  find  out. 

Matt.    He  is  finding  it  out,  on  that  heath! 

Dolly.  Yes!  [With  a  little  laugh.]  Ha!  ha! 
[A  louder  gust  and  rattle  of  hail.]  Listen!  Listen! 
Ha!  And  he  might  have  been  here  playing  a  comfort- 
able rubber  by  the  fire — if  he'd  simply  behaved  him- 
self! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  6i 

Matt.  If  he'd  "simply  behaved"  himself!  What 
we  all  miss  through  not  "  simply  behaving  "  ourselves. 

[Another  gust, 

Dolly.  [Laughs.']  Ah!  He's  catching  it!  I  shall 
insist  on  Renie  driving  out  with  me  to-morrow  after- 
noon. 

Matt.     Yes. 

Dolly.  Then  she  can't  meet  Lucas.  That  will  be 
another  sell  for  him — [Another  furious  gust  and  rat* 
tie.]  Listen!  Ha!  hai  I  wonder  how  far  Lucas  has 
got! 

[A  noise  of  something  being  knocked  over  in 
the  conservatory,  which  is  lighted. 

Matt.     [Goes  to  the  conservatory  door,  looks  in; 
is  startled.  ]     Hillo !  hillo !    What  ? ! 
Lucas  enters  from  the  upper  conservatory  door  in 
riding-clothes  of  first  Act. 

Dolly.  [Enraged.]  Lucas!  [More  enraged.] 
Lucas !    How  dare  you  ? ! 

Lucas.     It's  all  right — don't  make  a  fuss! 

Dolly.  [Furious.]  Why  aren't  you  on  the  way  to 
Aldershot  ? 

Lucas.  I  didn't  like  the  look  of  the  weather!  X 
didn't  like  the  look  of  it  at  all !  So  I  got  them  to  give 
me  a  shake-down  at  the  Red  Lion 

Dolly.  [Indignantly.]    Shake-down  at  the  Red  Lion ! 

Lucas.  Yes,  on  their  sofa!  You  needn't  look  so 
black!  I  asked  you  first,  to  let  me  have  a  shake- 
down here — on  that  sofa: 

Dolly.     But  why  have  you  come  back  here? 

Lucas.  Well,  I  must  have  dropped  those  cigars 
uncle  Matt  gave  me.  I  put  them  carefully  in  my 
side  pocket,  and  when  I  got  down  to  the  Red  Lion,  lo 
and  behold,  they  weren't  there ! 

Dolly.  You  could  have  got  a  cigar  at  the  Red 
Lion 


62  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas.  [Turns  to  Matt  for  sympathy. '\  I  could 
have  got  a  cigar  at  the  Red  Lion !  [To  Dolly.]  No, 
thank  you !  So  I  thought  I'd  just  stroll  up  here  in  the 
hope 

Dolly.  In  the  hope  of  seeing  Mrs.  Sturgess!  But 
she's  safely  in  bed  this  time,  and  there's  no  possible 
chance  of  your  seeing  her. 

Lucas.  In  the  hope  of  getting  Harry  to  give  me  a 
decent  smoke.  Well,  I  came  into  the  Hall  and  not 
wishing  to  rile  you  by  my  hated  presence — I  slipped 
into  the  conservatory 

'  Enter  Harry. 

Harry.  [Surprised  at  the  riding-clothes.']  Hillp,  Lu, 
going  back  to  Aldershot  to-night? 

Lucas.  No,  not  unless  the  weather  takes  a  turn. 
No,  Dolly  said  that  as  the  spare  room  was  occupied, 
would  I  mind  getting  a  shake-down  at  the  Red  Lion. 
So  I  did,  and  as  I've  got  nothing  to  smoke,  may  I 
cadge  a  cigar? 

Harry.     Yes,  old  fellow.     [Taking  out  cigar-case. 

Dolly.  [Intercepting.]  You  said  I  should  take 
charge  of  your  cigars,  in  case  you  should  be  tempted 
to  smoke  more  than  two  a  day 

Harry.    By  Jove,  I  forgot  all  about  two  per  diem — 
I've  been  smoking  all  day.     Here,  Lu!      [About  tQ^ 
throw  cigar-case  to  Lucas.]    You'd  better  take  the  lot 
and  keep  me  out  of  temptation! 

Dolly.    No !    I'll  take  charge  of  that,  please. 

[Takes    the    cigar-case,    looks    angrily    at 
Lucas,  goes  to  writing-desk,  puts  it  in. 
Peters  appears  at  door. 

Peters.    I  beg  pardon,  ma'am,  Mrs.  Sturgess 

Dolly.    What  about  her? 

Peters.  When  I  got  back  with  the  hop-pillow  she 
wasn't  there.     I've  looked  all  over  the  house,  and  I 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  63 

can't  find  her  anywhere.     [Glancing  off  into  the  con- 
servatory.']     Oh,  there  she  is! 

RenIe  enters,  fully  dressed  from  conservatory,  very 
languidly,  with  handkerchief  and  smelling-salts. 
Peters  goes  off. 

Dolly.    Renie ! 

[Looks  at  Matt,  who  is  inclined  to  laugh, 
checks  it,  shrugs  his  shoulders  and  goes 
over  to  fire. 

Renie.  My  head  was  racking,  I  had  to  rush  out — 
I've  been  pacing  up  and  down  under  the  veranda, 
up  and  down,  up  and  down,  up  aivd  down — [Dolly 
makes  a  little  grimace  of  angry  incredulity'\  it's  a  little 
easier  now,  so  I'll  take  advantage  of  the  lull,  and  try 
to  get  some  sleep. 

Dolly.    Yes,  I  would. 

Renie.    Good-night,  dear. 

Dolly.    [Severely.']    Good-night  once  more. 

Renie.    Good-night,  Mr.  Telfer.        [Offering  hand. 

Harry.    Good-night,  I'm  awfully  sorry 

Renie.  [With  her  weary  smile.]  Oh,  it's  only  a 
headache.  I  can  bear  it.  Thank  you  for  your 
sympathy.  [Wringing  his  hand  in  fervent  gratitude. 1^ 
Good-night,  Mr.  Barron. 

Matt.  Good-night.  I  hope  we  sha'n't  have  any  more 
little  tragedies,  eh? 

Renie.  [Very  fervently.]  I  hope  not,  oh,  I  hope 
not!  [To  Lucas  very  casually  and  distantly.]  Good- 
night, Captain  Wentwprth. 

Lucas.     [Same  tone.']    Good-night,  Mrs.  Sturgess. 

[Exit  Renie.    Peters  is  seen  to  join  her  in 
the  hall.    A  little  pause. 

Lucas.  Well,  I'll  be  toddling  back  to  the  Red  Lion. 
Good-night,   Dolly.      [Dolly  looks   at  him,  furious, 


64  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

turns  away.  Harry  looks  a  little  surprised.]  Good- 
night, Harry. 

Harry.  Good-night,  Lu.  Seems  a  pity  for  you  to 
turn  out  on  a  night  like  this.  Dolly,  can't  we  give 
him  a  shake-down ? 

Dolly.    No ! 

[Harry  shows  surprise  at  her  tone.    A  little 
pause  of  embarrassment. 

Lucas.    Good-night,  Uncle  Matt. 

Matt.  [Comes  up  to  him,  in  a  low  voice.]  Cut  it, 
my  dear  lad.    Cut  it !    That's  understood  ? 

Lucas.  Yes,  of  course.  Well,  good-night,  Dolly, 
once  more,  [She  doesn't  reply.]  Oh  well,  if  you're 
going  on  the  rampage — [Goes  off  muttering.]  Infernal 
nuisance — night  like  this [Exit, 

Harry.    Is  anything  the  matter  ? 

Dolly.  Lucas  has  offended  me  very  much.  I  don't 
wish  to  speak  of  it. 

The  Professor  enters  at  hack. 

Matt.    Well,  who  was  the  victor  ? 

Harry.    The  Professor  won  all  four  games. 

Prof.    I  ascribe  the  increased  accuracy  of  my  stroke 
^  at  billiards  to  my  increased  nerve  force,  now  I  have 
made  Pableine  my  staple  article  of  diet  in  place  of 
meat. 

Matt.    Flies  to  the  gray  matter,  eh? 
^  Prof.     Instantaneously. 

Matt.    Good  stuff! 

Prof.     I  hope  you'll  try  it.     Shall  I  send  a  tin  to 
/your  room? 

Matt.    Will  you?    That  will  be.kind ! 
Criddle  appears  at  door. 

Criddle.    I've  put  the  spirits  in  the  hall,  sir. 

Harry.    You  can  take  them  away,  Criddle.    In  the 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  65 

future  we  shall  not  require  spirits  at  night,  only  soda 
water  and  tea. 

C riddle.    Yes,  sir.  [^Exit, 

Dolly.  [Who  has  been  sitting  wearily  on  sofa, 
rises. ^     Well,  I'm  going  to  bed. 

Harry.    You  forget,  dear. 

Dolly.  What?  [Harry  taps  the  writing-desk. '\ 
Oh,  my  dear  Harry,  we  won't  go  into  them  to-night. 

Harry.  Yes,  my  dear,  if  you  please.  [Very  firmly. 
Dolly  makes  an  impatient  gesture  and  pouts.']  Please 
don't  look  like  that.  If  I'm  to  help  you  in  paying  off 
these  bills,  it  must  be  to-night,  or  not  at  all.  . 

Dolly.    Oh,  very  well,  but [Sits  down  wearily. 

Prof.  [Taking  out  watch.]  Five  minutes  past  my 
usual  hour. 

Dolly.  Renie  has  one  of  her  bad  headaches,  so  I've 
put  her  in  the  spare  room. 

Prof.  Thank  you.  I'm  afraid  she's  a  little  wilful.  I 
can  never  get  her  to  see  that  life  can  yield  us  no  rieal 
satisfaction  unless  we  regulate  all  our  actions  to  the 
most  minute  point.    Good-night. 

Dolly.    Good-night.  [Shaking  hands, 

~^  Prof.     Good-night,  Telfen 

Harry.    Good-night.  [Shaking  hands. 

Matt.     Good-night,  Harry. 

Harry.    Good-night,  Dad.  [Shaking  hands. 

Matt.     [To  Dolly.]     Night-night,  dear. 

Dolly.     Night- night.  Dad.  [Kissing  him. 

Prof.  [Has  been  waiting  at  door.]  I  might  perhaps 
'show  you  the  precise  way  of  mixing  the  Pableine. 

Matt.    That  would  be  kind!    What's  the  dose? 

Prof.  Two  teaspoonfuls.  On  certain  occasions  I 
have  taken  as  much  as  four  tablespoonfuls. 

Matt.    Wasn't  that  rather — agoing  it  ? 

Prof.  No.  It's  quite  tasteless,  except  for  a  very 
slight  beany  flavor. 


e^  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  Sounds  just  the  thing  for  a  New  Year's  drink, 
to  brace  up  good  resolutions.  Come  along!  I'll  have  a 
regular  night-cap  of  it.    [Exeunt  Matt  and  Professor. 

Harry.    Now  we  can  have  our  cosy  half  hour. 

Dolly.  Ye-es.  I've  had  an  awful  evening  with 
Lucas.    Don't  you  think ? 

Harry.    No,  my  darling.    You  put  it  off  after  tea — 

Dolly.  But  our  heads  will  be  so  much  clearer  in  the 
morning 

Harry.  [Very  solemnly  and  severely.']  My  darling, 
remember  what  Pilcher  said  about  procrastination. 
And  remember  our  resolutions  last  night.  If  we  break 
them  on  the  first  night  of  the  year,  where  shall  we  be 
on  the  thirty-first  of  December? 

Dolly.    I'm  horribly  fagged. 

Harry.  Conquer  it!  Think  how  delightful  it  will 
be  to  put  your  head  on  the  pillow  to-night,  without  a 
single  anxiety,  without  a  single  thought 

Dolly.    Except  my  gratitude  to  you ! 

Harry.    Come,  dear,  no  time  like  the  present ! 

Dolly.  [Jumps  up  very  briskly.]  No  time  like  the 
present!  [Looking  at  him  with  great  admiration.]  Oh, 
Harry,  what  a  dear,  kind,  good  husband  you've  always 
been  to  me! 

Harry.  Have  I,  my  darling?  [Modestly.]  I've  done 
my  best 

Dolly.    How  I  must  have  tried  you ! 

Harry.    No,  dear — at  least  a  little  sometimes.. 

Dolly.  When  I  think  what  patience  youVe  had  with 
me,  and  never  reproached  me 

Harry.  Well,  not  often.  We've  had  our  little  tiffs— 
That  day  at  Goodwood — eh? 

Dolly.    Don't  speak  of  it !     I  was  to  blame 

Harry.  No,  dear,  I  can't  let  you  accuse  yourself.  I 
was  quite  in  the  wrong. 

Dolly.    No,  dear,  it  was  my  fault  entirely ! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  67 

Harry.  Well,  we  won't  quarrel  about  that.  Now 
these  bills 

Dolly.    And  what  good  pals  we've  been ! 

Harry.    And  always  shall  be.  [^Kissing  her, 

Dolly.     \_Hugging  him.'\     Oh,  you  dear! 

Harry.     Now,  business,  business! 

Dolly.  [^Going  up  to  writing-desk. '\  What  a  lucky 
woman  I   am! 

Harry.     [Seated  at  table.']     Bring  them  all. 

Dolly.  [^Has  opened  desk  and  taken  up  some  bills — 
she  looks  round  dubiously  at  Harry.]  What  a 
splendid  thing  it  must  be  to  be  a  husband  and  have  it 
in  your  power  to  make  your  wife  adore  you,  by  simply 
paying  a  few  bills. 

Harry.  Yes — bring  them  all.  \_She  comes  down 
with  a  bundle  of  about  fifteen,  hands  them  to  him.] 
Is  this  all? 

Dolly.    All,  of  any  importance. 

Harry.     I  want  to  see  them  all. 

Dolly.  So  you  shall,  but  we'll  go  through  these 
first,  because  [lamely]  if  you  want  to  ask  any  questions 
we  can  settle  them  on  the  spot,  can't  we? 

Harry.  [Reading  from  the  bill.]  Maison  Recamier, 
Court  and  artistic  millinery.     By  Jove!     [Looks  up. 

Dolly.    What! 

Harry.  One,  two,  three,  four,  five,  six,  seven,  eight, 
nine — nine  hats ! 

Dolly.     Different  kinds  of  hats. 

Harry.  Yedda  straw  hat,  four  guineas,  ostrich 
feather  ruffle,  twelve  pounds  ten 

Dolly.  That  was  tlie  one — you  remember — when  I 
came  into  the  room  you  said,  "  Stay  there !  Just  as  you 
are  !    I  must  kiss  you !  " 

Harry.  Yes,  but  twelve  pounds  ten — Moss  green 
chip  hat,  four,  fourteen,  six.  Heliotrope  velvet 
toque 


68  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly,  That's  the  dear  little  toque  you  admire  so 
much! 

Harry.  Do  I?  Six  guineas!  Dear  little  toque! 
Hat  in  white  Tegal  with  plumes  of  Nattier  Bleu — 
fifteen  guineas — Fifteen  guineas?! 

Dolly.    With  plumes !    Of  Nattier  Bleu ! 

Harry.     But  fifteen  guineas! 

Dolly.  Oh,  the  woman's  a  fearful  swindler!  But 
what  are  you  to  do  with  such  people  ? 

Harry.  [IVith  bill.^  Total,  sixty- four,  seven,  six. 
And  I  get  my  one  silk  topper  a  year,  at  a  guinea,  and 
three  and  six  for  doing  it  up.  Total  for  me,  one,  four, 
six.    Total  for  you 

Dolly.  My  dear  Harry,  don't  make  absurd  com- 
parisons ! 

Harry.  [Takes  another  hill.']  John  Spearman, 
artistic  gown  maker,  ball  gowns,  reception  gowns,  race 
gowns — Good  heavens! 

Dolly.     What's  the  matter? 

Harry.  Total,  five  hundred  and  fifty-six  pounds — 
that  can't  be  right! 

Dolly.  [Frightened.]  No,  it  can't  be!  Add  it 
up! 

Harry.     [Reading.]     Tea  gown  of  chiffon  taffeta — 

Dolly.  The  one  I  took  to  Folkestone,  you  re- 
member? [With  a  little  attempt  at  a  kiss. 

Harry.  [Gently  repulsing  her.]  No,  I  don't.  [She 
puts  her  arms  round  his  neck;  he  gently  pushes  her 
aside.]  Business  first,  please.  [Reads.]  Gown  of 
white  cloth  with  Postillion  coat  of  Rose  du  Barri  silk, 
motifs  of  silver,  forty-five  guineas 

Dolly.  You  won't  grumble  at  that,  for  when  I  first 
put  it  on,  you  stood  and  looked  at  me  and  said, 
"  I  want  to  know  how  it  is,  Doll,  that  the  moment  a 
dress  gets  on  to  your  shoulders,  it  seems  to  brisk  up, 

and  be  as  cocky  and  proud  of  itself " 

[Again  attempting  to  embrace  him. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  69 

Harry.  [Again  repulsing  her.~\  Yes,  well  now  I  do 
know!  Jolly  proud  and  cocky  your  dresses  ought  to 
feel  at  this  price !  [Reads. ~\  "  Evening  cloak  of 
strawberry  satin  charmeuse,  trimmed  silk  passe- 
menterie, motifs  and  fringed  stoles  of  dull  gold 
embroidery,  thirty-five  guineas."     What's  a  motif? 

Dolly.  It's  a  trimming — a  lot  of  little  touches — a 
sort  of — a — a — a — [making  a  little  descriptive  gesture^ 
a  suggestion — a  motif 

Harry.  And  Mr.  John  Spearman's  motif  is  that 
I  should  pay  him  five  hundred  and  fifty-six  pounds. 
Well,  I  don't  like  Mr.  John  Spearman's  motifs,  and 
I'm  not  going  to  fall  in  with  them.  [Puts  the  hill 
on  the  table  rather  angrily,  takes  up  another,  reads. \ 
"  Artistic  lingerie !  "  I  wonder  why  all  these  people 
call  themselves  artists !  "  Underwear  of  daintiness  and 
distinction." 

Dolly.    Well,  you've  always  praised 

Harry.  Yes.  In  future,  I'm  going  to  be  very  careful 
what  articles  of  your  dress  I  praise.  "  Three  pairs 
of  blue  silk  garters,  forty-five  shillings."  [She  has 
settled  herself  in  the  armchair,  looking  a  little  sulky  and 
obstinate,  leaning  back  and  pettishly  swinging  one  leg 
over  the  other. ^    What  have  you  got  to  say  to  that? 

Dolly.    Garters  are  necessary. 

Harry.  Yes,  but  why  three?  And  why  blue  silk? 
Why  don't  you  speak  ? 

Dolly.    The  garters  can  speak  for  themselevs ! 

Harry.  Very  well.  Garters  that  can  speak  for 
themselves  can  pay  for  themselves!  [Dashes  the  bill 
on  the  table,  takes  up  another.  Reading. ~\  Three 
bottles  coeur  de  Janette — three  bottles  Souffle  de 
Marguerite — fifteen  pounds  for  scent — and  I  have  to 
smoke  sixpenny  cigars!  And  sometimes  only  four- 
penny  ! 

Dolly.    Well,  if  you  will  smoke  those  horrid  strong 


A 


70  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

things  you  can't  wonder  I  have  to  disinfect  the  house 
for  you. 

Harry.  Disinfect  the  house  for  me!  You'll  very 
soon  disinfect  the  house  of  me!  [Glances  through  the 
remaining  hills,  groans,  puts  them  on  the  table,  and 
walks  about  in  despair.  Dolly  rises  and  is  going  off.'\ 
Where  are  you  going? 

Dolly.    To  bed. 

Harry.  [Stopping  her.]  No!  Now  weVe  begun, 
we'll  go  through  to  the  bitter  end,  if  you  please.  I 
want  you  to  explain 

Dolly.  My  dear  Harry,  it  will  be  quite  useless  for 
me  to  try  to  explain  in  your  present  state 


Harry.    [Getting  furious. '\    In  my  present  state 

Dolly.    Dancing  about  the  room  and  shouting  !^ 

Harry.    I'm  not  shouting! 
Dolly.    You're  not  shouting  ? ! 

Harry.  No,  and  if  I  am,  isn't  it  enough  to  make  a 
man  shout  when  his  wife 

Matt  appears  at  the  door  in  his  dressing-gown 
and  slippers. 

Matt.  Excuse  my  interrupting.  But  you  know  my 
room  is  just  above  this,  and  if  you  could  manage  to 
pitch  your  voices  in  rather  a  softer  key 

Harry.  By  Jove,  I'd  forgotten!  We  were  getting 
a  little  noisy.     I'm  awfully  sorry. 

Matt.  Don't  mention  it!  The  Professor  gave  me 
rather  a  stiff  go  of  his  Pableine,  and  I  fancy  it  hasn't 
agreed  with  me  [tapping  his  chesf]  for  I  can't  get  a 
wink  of  sleep.    Is  there  a  spoonful  of  whiskey  about  ? 

Harry.    On  the  sideboard  in  the  dining-room. 

Matt.  Thankee.  [Tapping  his  chest. '\  Harry, 
when  you  get  over  fifty,  don't  change  your  nightcap,  or 
any  of  your  other  bad  habits. 

Harry.    I  won't.     Now,  Dolly 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  71 

Matt.  [^Anxiously.']  You  won't  perhaps  be  very 
long  now? 

Dolly.     No,  we'd  nearly  finished 

Matt.    Nothing  serious,  I  hope  ? 

Dolly.     Harry  doesn't  approve  of  my  using  scent. 

Harry.    Not  in  pailfuls.    Certainly  not. 

Dolly.    I  had  three  small  bottles 

Matt.  Montaigne  says  that  the  sweetest  perfume  a 
woman  can  have,  is  to  have  none  at  all.  [^Exit. 

Harry.  Now,  my  darling,  we  shall  best  arrive  at  an 
understanding  if  we  avoid  all  temper,  and  discuss  it 
in  a  calm,  business-like  way. 

Dolly.     \_A  little  frightened.']     Ye-es 

Harry.  Very  well  then,  bring  up  your  chair,  and 
let  us  go  into  it,  figure  by  figure,  item  by  item,  and 
see  how  we  stand. 

Dolly.  Ye-es.  ^B ringing  a  chair  a  little  zvay.] 
Harry,  you  aren't  going  to  be  as  business-like  as 
all  that? 

Harry.    As  all  what? 

Dolly.  I  can't  discuss  it  while  you  keep  me  at  a 
distance !  \_Suddenly  rushes  at  him,  seats  herself  on  his 
knee/ puts  his  arm  round  her  waist,  kisses  him.]  There ! 
now  I  feel  I  can  discuss  it  thoroughly. 

Harry.  Very  well  \_kisses  her],  so  long  as  we  do 
discuss  it  thoroughly. 

Dolly.  I  began  to  get  quite  frightened  of  you,  Mr. 
Jobling. 

Harry.    Jobling  ? 

Dolly.  The  man  Mr.  Pilcher  had  to  get  a  money- 
box for,  because  he  swore  at  his  wife ! 

Harry.    Oh,  yes. 

Dolly.    You  got  so  angry — and  shouted 

Harry.  Well,  there  was  no  reason  for  that, 
especially  as  getting  out  of  temper  is  the  one  thing 
I'm  quite  resolved  to  conquer  this  New  Year 


72  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.    [Kissing  him.']    Don't  forget  that ! 

Harry.  [Kisses  her.]  Now,  business,  business! 
[Takes  up  a  bill.]  What  have  we  here?  Carchet, 
gantier  et  bonnetier,  artiste — Hillo,  here's  another 
artist!    In  stockings  this  time.     [Suddenly.]    I  say! 

Dolly.     [Frightened.]     Eh? 

Harry.  [Points  to  an  item  in  bill.]  Come  now, 
Dolly — this  is  really  too  bad — this  really  is  too  bad! 

Dolly.     [Frightened.]     What  ?  I 

[Getting  off  his  knee, 

Harry.  One  dozen  pairs  best  silk  hose,  with 
clocks 

Dolly.    Yes — how  much  does  that  come  to? 

Harry.    Eleven  pounds  two 

Dolly.    It  does  seem  rather  a  high  price,  but 

[Drawing  up  her  dress  and  showing  an  inch 
or  two  of  silk  stocking. 

Harry.    You're  wearing  them  about  the  house  ?        . 

Dolly.  I  can't  go  about  the  house  without  stock- 
ings. And  I  put  them  on  for  your  especial  benefit. 
[He  utters  a  contemptuous  exclamation.]     They're  a 

lovely  quality 

[Drawing  up  her  dress  an  inch  or  two  higher, 

Harry.  I  daresay.  [Turning  away.]  I'm  not  going 
to  admire  your  stockings,  or  your  ostrich  ruffles,  or 
your  blue  silk  garters,  or  your  motifs,  or  anything  that 
is  yours !    It's  too  expensive ! 

Dolly.  [Dress  an  inch  higher,  looking  down  at  her 
stockings.]    It's  the  clocks  you  have  to  pay  for 

Harry.  I  beg  your  pardon,  it's  the  clocks  I  haven't 
got  to  pay  for!  And  don't  mean  to — if  I  can  help  it. 
Idiotic  thing  to  go  and  put  clocks  on  stockings — 
[muttering]  damned  silly  idiotic 

Dolly.  Ah!  [Goes  to  table,  brings  the  hospital  box 
and  puts  it  in  front  of  him.]    Double  fine  this  time. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  73 

Harry.    What  for? 

Dolly.  Naughty  swear  word,  and  getting  out  of 
temper. 

Harry.  Oh  well — [fumbling  in  his  pockety  I  did  say 
d ,  but  I  didn't  get  out  of  temper! 

Dolly.    You  didn't  get  out  of  temper?!? 

Harry.  Not  at  all.  I'm  quite  calm.  [Sulkily  puts  a 
shilling  in  the  box.]  There!  [Seats  himself  at  table.'\ 
Now  we'll  go  quietly  and  methodically  through  the 

remainder [Taking  up  a  bill,  looks  at  it,  exclaims.] 

Good  heavens ! 

Dolly.    Good  heavens  what? 

Harry,  [In  a  low  exhausted  tone  with  groans.] 
Good  heavens!  Good  heavens!  It's  absolutely  use- 
less— Good  heavens ! 

Dolly.    But  what  is  it?     [Coming  up,  looking  over. 

Harry.  [Points  to  bill.l  Four  more  hats!  Nine  on 
the  other  bill — four  more  here.    Thirteen  hats. 

Dolly.    No,  one  was  a  toque. 

Harry.     But  can  you  explain? 

Dolly.  Yes.  You  said  yourself  that  Madame 
Recamier  was  horribly  expensive,  so  I  left  her  and 
went  to  Jacquelin's — just  to  save  your  pocket 

Harry.    Never  save  my  pocket  again,  please. 

Dolly.    Very  well,  I  won't. 

Harry.  No,  I  daresay  you  won't,  but  I  shall!  I 
shall  draw  the  strings  very  tightly  in  future.  Save 
my  pocket !  [He  is  walking  about  distractedly.]  Save 
my  pocket.  [Groans. 

Dolly.  Now,  Harry,  it's  useless  to  take  it  in  thi^ 
way — ^you  knew  when  you  married  me  I  hadn't  got 
the  money  sense 

Harry.     [Groans.]     I  hadn't  got  any  sense  at  all! 

Dolly.  Very  likely  not.  But  try  and  have  a  little 
now.  What  have  I  done  ?  Run  a  little  into  debt,  solely 
to  please  you. 


74 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 


Harry.  Yes ;  well,  now  run  out  of  it,  and  I  shall  be 
better  pleased  still. 

Doliy.  After  all,  running  into  debt  is  a  positive 
virtue  beside  the  things  that  some  wives  do! 

Harry.    Oh,  it's  a  positive  virtue,  is  it  ? 

Dolly.  A  husband  is  very  lucky  when  his  wife 
spends  most  of  her  time  running  up  a  few  bills.  It 
keeps  her  out  of  mischief.  I'm  sure  you  ought  to  feel 
very  glad  that  I'm  a  little  extravagant ! 

Harry.    Oh,  I  am !    I  am !    I'm  delighted ! 

[He  sits  at  table,  takes  out  a  pencil,  hurriedly 
puts  down  the  amounts  of  the  various 
bills — she  creeps  up  behind  him. 

Dolly.     What  are  you  doing? 

Harry.     I'm  totting  up  to  see  how  lucky  I   am! 

Forty-one,  one,  six \_Groans.'\     Ninety-four 

[  Groans. 

Dolly.  \^Has  crept  up  behind  him,  puts  her  arms 
round  his  neck.^  Now,  Harry,  will  you  take  my 
advice ? 

Harry.    No. 

Dolly.    It's  past  eleven. 

[Trying  to  take  the  pencil  out  of  his  hand. 

Harry.  [Disengaging  her  arms,  speaking  very 
sternly.']  Will  you  have  the  goodness  to  let  me  have  all 
your  bills,  so  that  I  may  know  what  help  I  shall  need 
from  my  banker  ? 

Dolly.  Harry,  you  don't  mean  that?  Oh,  that's 
absurd  with  our  income ! 

Harry.  Will  you  have  the  goodness  to  do  as  Isay, 
and  at  once,  please?  [He  is  dotting  down  figures. 
She  stands  still  in  the  middle  of  the  room.]  Did  you 
hear  me? 

[She  bursts  into  tears.  He  turns  round  and 
shows   symptoms   of   relenting   towards 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  75 

her,  hut  steels  himself  and  turns  to  the 
bills.  She  bursts  into  renewed  tears. 
He  goes  on  figuring. 

Dolly.     [Piteously.^     Harry!     Harry!      [Goes  up 
to  him  and  plucks  his  sleeve. '\     Harry! 
Harry.    Well  ? 

[He  turns  and  looks  at  her,  is  about  to  yield, 
but  resists,  turns  away  from  her,  settles 
resolutely  to  his  figures. 

Dolly.  And  on  the  first  night  of  the  New  Year,  too ! 
Just  as  we  were  going  to  be  so  happy !  Harry !  [Holds 
out  her  arms  appealingly.~\  Harry!  [Harry  suddenly 
turns  round  and  clasps  her.~\  How  could  you  be  so 
unkind  to  me? 

Harry.  Was  I  ?  I  didn't  mean  to  be.  Now !  Dry 
your  tears,  and  help  me  reckon  this  up 

Dolly.     Ye-es. 

Harry.  But  first  of  all  let  me  have  the  remainder 
of  the  bills 

Dolly.    Yes. 

Harry.     At  once,  my  darling — it's  getting  late. 

Dolly.  Yes.  [Goes  up  to  desk.'^  You  won't  re- 
proach me? 

Harry.    Of  course  I  won't. 

Dolly.  I  can  bear  anything  except  your  reproaches. 
Promise  you  won't  reproach  me. 

Harry.    I  won't,  unless 

Dolly.    Unless  what? 

Harry.     It's  something  too  awful. 

Dolly.  Oh,  it  isn't.  Not  at  all.  Not  at  all.  [Goes 
up  to  the  desk,  brings  down  about  ten  more  bills  with 
great  affected  cheerfulness. '\  There!  You  see,  it's 
nothing. 

Harry.  [Hastily  looking  at  the  totals.]  Nothing? 
You  call  these  nothing ! !  ? 


76  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.     Nothing  to  speak  about — nothing  awful! 
.     Harry.    Good  heavens!     How  any  woman  with  the 

least  care  for  her  husband,  or  her  home [looking 

at   one   total  after  another^    how   any   woman   with 

the  least  self-recpect [Dolly  goes  to  him,  puts  her 

arms  round  him,  tries  to  embrace — he  repulses  her.'\ 
No,  please.    I've  had  enough  of  that  old  dodge. 

Dolly.    Dodge! 

Harry.    I  remember  that  last  two  hundred  pounds 
and  how  you  sweedled  me  out  of  it! 
.    Dolly.    Sweedled  ? 

Harry.    Yes !    Sweedled ! 

Dolly.     There's  no  such  word! 

Harry.  No,  but  there's  the  thing !  As  most  hus- 
bands know.  [Referring  to  one  hill  after  another,  pick- 
ing  out  it  ems. ^  Lace  coat,  hand-made!  En-tout-cas, 
studded  cabochons  of  lapis  lazuli — studded  cabochons 
— studded  cabochons! 

Dolly.  [Has  quietly  seated  herself,  and  is  looking  at 
the  ceiling.]  Couldn't  you  manage  to  pitch  your  voice 
in  rather  a  softer  key? 

Harry.  [Comes  angrily  down  to  her,  hills  in  hand, 
speaks  in  a  whisper,  very  rapidly  and  fiercely. '\  Yes! 
And  I  say  that  a  woman  who  goes  and  runs  up  bills  like 
these,  [dashing  the  hack  of  one  hand  against  the 
bills  in  the  other'\  while  her  husband  is  smoking  three- 
penny cigars,  will  very  soon  bring  herself  and  him 
to  one  of  those  new  palatial  workhouses  where,  thank 
heaven,  the  cuisine  and  appointments  are  now  organ- 
gized  with  a  view  of  providing  persons  of  your  tastes 
with  every  luxury  at  the  ratepayers'  expense.  [Re- 
turns angrily  to  the  bills,  turns  them  over.]  Irish  lace 
bolero!  [Turns  to  another.]  Fur  motor  coat,  fifty- 
five  guineas 

Dolly.  [Calmly  gazing  at  the  ceiling.]  You  told  me 
to  look  as  smart  as  Mrs.  Colefield. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  ^j 

Harry.  Not  at  that  price!  If  Fd  known  what  that 
motor  tour  would  cost  by  Jove !    Fd 

Dolly.  You're  getting  noisy  again.  You'll  wake  my 
father. 

Harry.  He  ought  to  be  waked !  He  ought  to  know 
>vhat  his  daughter  is  saddling  me  with. 

Dolly.  Very  well,  if  you  don't  care  how  shabby  I 
look 


Harry.  Shabby!  [Referring  to  bills. ~\  Lace  demi- 
toilette!  Point  de  Venise  lace  Directoire  coat! 
Shabby? 

Dolly.  My  dear  Harry,  do  you  suppose  we  shall 
ever  agree  as  to  what  constitutes  shabbiness? 

Harry.    No,  Fm  hanged  if  we  ever  shall ! 

Dolly.  Then  suppose  we  drop  the  subject.  For  the 
future  I  shall  endeavor  to  please  you  entirely. 

Harry.    Oh,  you  will? 

Dolly.  By  dressing  so  that  you'll  be  ashamed  to 
be  seen  in  the  same  street  with  me.  I  shall  make 
myself  a  perfect  fright — a  perfect  dowdy — a  perfect 
draggletail ! 

Harry.  Then  I  shall  not  be  seen  in  the  same  street 
with  you. 

Dolly.    You  won't? 

Harry.    No,  my  dear.    Make  no  mistake  about  that ! 

Dolly.    You'll  be  seen  with  somebody  else,  perhaps? 

Harry.    Very  likely. 

Dolly.     Have  you  met  Miss  Smithson  again? 

Harry.    Not  since  the  last  time. 

Dolly.  Have  you  seen  her  since  we  were  at 
Folkestone  ? 

Harry.    What's  that  to  do  with  your  bills? 

Dolly.  A  great  deal.  That  night  at  dinner  she  told 
you  her  dress  allowance  was  a  hundred  and  twenty 
a  year,  and  you  said  you  wished  she'd  give  me  a  few 
lessons  in  economy. 


78  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Harry.    I  did  not. 

Dolly.    Pardon  me,  you  did! 

Harry.  Pardon  me,  I  did  not.  I  said  she  might 
give  some  women  a  lesson  in  economy. 

Dolly.  You  did  not!  I  heard  every  word  of  your 
conversation,  and  you  distinctly  asked  her  to  give  me, 
your  wife,  a  few  lessons  in  economy. 

Harry.    I'll  swear  I  didn't!  , 

Dolly.    Ask  my  father !    He  was  there. 

Harry.  Very  well!  I'll  ask  him  the  first  thing  in 
the  morning. 

Dolly.  No,  to-night !  You've  accused  me  of  de- 
liberately saying  what  isn't  true,  and  I 

Harry.     I  have  not! 

Dolly.  Yes,  you  have.  And  I  insist  on  having  it 
cleared  up  to-night!  I  don't  suppose  he's  asleep! 
Fetch  him  down! 

Harry.    Very  well !    I  will  fetch  him  down !     [Exit. 

Dolly.  [Paces  furiously  up  and  down. ~\  Me!  Les- 
sons in  economy!  Lessons  in  economy!  Me!  Les- 
sons in  economy! 

Re-enter  Harry. 

Harry.  He'll  be  down  in  a  mniute!  Meantime, 
[very  angry']  I  want  to  know  what  any  woman  in  this 
world  wants  with  two  dozen  cache  corsets  ? 

[Banging  his  free  hand  on  the  bills. 

Dolly.    We'll  clear  up  Miss  Smithson  first 

Harry.    No,  we  will  not  clear  up  Miss  Smithson 

Dolly.  Because  you  can't  clear  up  Miss  Smith- 
son 


Harry.    I  can  clear  up  Miss  Smithson 

Dolly.    You  cannot  clear  up  Miss  Smithson- 


Matt  appears  at  door  in  dressing-gown,  rubbing  his 

eyes  and  looking  very  sleepy. 
Dad,  you  remember  Miss  Smithson 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  79 

Matt.  ^Coming  in,  very  sleepy. '\      Smithson? 

Dolly.  The  girl  at  the  hotel  at  Folkestone,  that 
Harry  paid  so  much  attention  to. 

Harry.  I  paid  no  more  attention  to  Miss  Smithson 
than  was  absolutely  necessary.    Did  I,  Mr.  Barron? 

Dolly.    Oh  !    Oh  !    Dad,  you  remember 

Matt.    Not  for  the  moment 

Dolly.  Not  the  disgraceful  way  Harry — there's  no 
other  word — carried  on  ! 

Harry.  I  did  not  carry  on — Mr.  Barron,  I  appeal  to 
you. 

Dolly.    Dad! 

Matt.    My  dear,  I  certainly  did  not  notice 

Dolly.  No,  he  was  far  too  careful  to  let  anyone 
notice  it,  except  his  own  wife! 

Harry.  You  lay  your  life  when  I  do  carry  on  my 
wife  will  be  the  last  person  I  shall  allow  to  notice  it ! 

Dolly.    I  daresay!    Dad,  did  you  hear  that? 

Matt.  Yes.  [Rousmg  himself  a  little. '\  Now, 
Harry,  what  about  this  Miss  Smithson? 

Harry.     That's  what  I  want  to  know ! 

Matt.    Who  is  Miss  Smithson  ? 

Dolly.    Surely  you  remember  that  lanky  girl 

Harry.    Miss  Smithson  is  not  lanky 

Dolly.  Not  lanky?  Not  lanky?!  You  can't  have 
any  eyes ! 

Harry.    That's  what  I've  often  thought 

Dolly.  [Explodes.^    Oh!    Oh!    Dad! 

Matt.  Come,  Harry,  let's  clear  this  up.  [Suddenly. '\ 
Smithson  ?  Oh  yes !  The  girl  who  sat  on  your  left  at 
your  dinner  party 

Dolly.     That's  the  one! 

Matt.    I  should  call  her  a  trifle  lanky,  Harry. 

Dolly.  A  trifle?  Well,  never  mind !  You  remember 
that  dinner  party 

Matt.  \_C autiotisly .'[     Ye-es. 


8o  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.  You  remember  how  she  waited  for  a  lull  in 
the  talk,  and  then  she  said  with  that  silly,  simpering, 
appealing  look 

Harry.  Miss  Smithson's  look  is  not  silly  or  simper- 
ing. 

Dolly.    Well,  it's  appealing,  isn't  it  ? 

Harry.  [With  a  little  chuckle. '\  Oh,  yes,  it's  appeal- 
ing. 

Dolly.  [Enraged.']    Oh!    Dad! 

Matt.    [Quiets  her.'\    Shush ! — What  did  she  say? 

Dolly.  She  said  with  a  very  marked  glance  at  me, 
"  My  dress  allowance  is  a  hundred  and  twenty  a  year, 
and  I  don't  understand  how  any  reasonable  woman 
can  wish  for  more !  "    What  do  you  think  of  that  ? 

Matt.  Well,  if  she  did  say  that,  and  if  she  glanced 
at  you,  it 

Dolly.    Yes? 

Matt.     It  wasn't  very  nice  of  her. 

Dolly.  Nice?  It  was  an  insult!  A  direct,  inten- 
tional, abominable  insult,  wasn't  it  ? 

Matt.  Yes,  yes,  decidedly,  under  the  circum- 
stances  

Dolly.    And  Harry  ought  to  have  resented  it? 

Matt.  At  his  own  dinner  table  he  couldn't,  could 
he? 

Dolly.    Yes!     At  least,  if  he  couldn't  resent  it,  he 
ought  to  have  shown  that  he  resented  it.     Instead  of 
that,  he  actually  asked  her  to  give  me  a  few  lessons 
in  economy ! 

Harry.    I  did  not! 

Dolly.  Pardon  me,  you  did !  Me !  his  wife !  Lessons 
in  economy! 

Harry.  And  a  thundering  good  thing  if  she  had 
given  you  a  few  before  you  ran  up  these  bills ! 

[Dashes  his  hand  on  to  the  bills, 

Dolly.    There!    You  hear?! 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  8i 

Matt.  Come,  Harry,  you  oughtn't  to  have  asked 
another  woman  to  give  your  wife  lessons  in  economy. 

Harry.    I  didn't! 

Dolly.    Dad !    You  were  there 

Matt.    Yes,  but  I  don't  quite  remember 

Dolly.  You  don't  remember?!^  Surely  you  can  Re- 
member a  simple  thing  like  that  when  your  own  daugh- 
ter tells  you  it  was  so ! 

Matt.  Now,  Harry,  what  did  you  really  say  to  Miss 
Smithson  ? 

Harry.  I  said  she  might  give  some  women  a  lesson 
in  economy. 

Matt.    Not  meaning  Dolly  ? 

\^Giving  him  a  wink  to  say  ''No'* 

Harry.    No-o. 

Dolly.  Then  whom  did  he  mean?  Lessons  in 
economy?  Whom  could  he  mean  if  he  didn't  mean 
me? 

Harry.    Just  so! 

Dolly.    Ah !  There !    You  see,  he  owns  it ! 

Matt.  No,  no,  I'm  sure  he  doesn't  mean  it!  Did 
you,  Harry?  [Winking  at  Harry. 

Dolly.  Then  will  he  please  say  what  he  really  does 
mean? 

Matt.     Now,  Harry,  what  do  you  really  mean? 

Harry.  Well,  you  remember  that  night  of  the  din- 
ner party  at  Folkestone. 

Matt.     [Cautiously.]     Ye-es. 

Harry.  After  they'd  all  gone  you  and  I  went  into 
the  smoking-room,  didn't  we? 

Matt.     [Cautiously.]     Ye-es. 

Harry.  And  you  said,  "  Doll's  in  one  of  her  high 
gales  again !  " 

Dolly.  High  gales?!  [Indignant."]  Father!  You 
didn't  say  that? 

Matt.    No,  no,  my  dear 


82  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Harry.  Excuse  me,  those  were  your  exact  words. 
High  gales ! 

Matt,    I  don't  remember. 

Dolly.    No,  you  don't  remember  anything. 

Harry.  You  said,  "  What  on  earth  was  up  between 
her  and  Miss  Smithson  at  dinner?  " 

Dolly.    You  see !    That  proves  exactly  what  I  said ! 

Harry.  No,  by  Jove,  it  proves  that  your  father 
noticed  what  a  confounded,  cussed 

Dolly.    Go  on!    Go  on!    Say  it! 

Matt.  Shush!  Shush!  Well,  Harry,  what  did  you 
say? 

Harry.    Well,  not  wishing  to  give  Dolly  away 

Dolly.    Ha !  ha !    Not  wishing  to  give  me  away ! 

Harry.  Not  then !  But,  by  Jove,  if  any  decent  chap 
were  to  come  along  now 

Dolly.  [Exploding.]  There!  There ![7o  Matt.] 
And  you  sit  there  and  hear  my  own  husband  insult 
me  in  my  own  house! 

Matt.    No!    No! 

Dolly.    But  there  you  sit!    There  you  sit! 

Matt.  [Jumps  up  fiercely.]     Now,  Harry! 

Harry.     [Fiercely.]     Well,  now,  Mr.  Barron 

Dolly.  Why  don't  you  defend  me?  Why  don't  you 
demand  an  apology? 

Matt.    What  for? 

Dolly.  For  everything!  For  to-night!  For  that 
night  at  Folkestone ! 

Harry.  That  night  at  Folkestone!  Why,  your 
father  was  quite  on  my  side — — 

Matt.    What? 

Dolly.    He  wasn't ;  were  you.  Dad  ? 

Matt.    No — no. 

Harry.  What?  [Fiercely.]  Do  you  remember  ex- 
actly what  passed  between  us  in  the  smoking-room, 
Mr.  Barron? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  83 

Matt.    No. 

Harry.    Then  I'll  tell  you 


Matt.  [Retreating  towards  door.'\  No — no — I  don't 
want  to  know 

Harry.  [Following  him  up,  shouting  a  little.~\  You 
said,  "  I  know  what  she's  like  in  her  high  gales !  I 
remember  what  the  little  devil  was  like  at  home." 

Dolly.  [Pursuing  him  up  to  door.'\  Father!  You 
didn't  say  that! 

Matt.  No — no,  my  darling — quite  a  mistake — quite 
a  mistake — altogether  a  mistake. 

[Gets  thankfully  off  at  back. 

Dolly.  [Calls  after  him.']  Then  why  don't  you  stay 
and  tell  him  so ! 

Harry.  [Shouts  after  Matt.]     It's  not  a  mistake! 

Dolly.  [Calls  after  Matt.]  It's  cowardly  of  you  to 
leave  me  here  to  be  insulted.  ' 

Harry.  [Goes  up  to  door,  shouts.]  It's  not  a  mis- 
take !  You  patted  me  on  the  back  and  said,  "  Poor 
chap!  Poor  chap!"  You  know  you  did!  [Closes 
the  door,  comes  fiercely  down  to  Dolly.]  It's  not  a 
mistake !  He  could  see  you  had  insulted  Miss  Smith- 
son. 

Dolly.  I  had  not  insulted  her!  I  was  far  too  civil 
to  her,  considering  that  the  next  evening  you  took  her 
out  on  the  Leas,  when  you  ought  to  have  been  at  bil- 
liards  

Harry.    I  took  her  out  on  the  Leas ! 

Dolly.  Yes  !  You  weren't  in  the  billiard-room !  So 
where  were  you?    Where  were  you? 

Harry.    I  jolly  well  don't  know,  and  I — I 

Dolly.    Say  it !    Say  it ! 

Harry.     I  damned  well  don't  care! 

Dolly.    Ah! 

[She  seises  the  box,  brings  it  up  to  him,  puts 
it  irritatingly  in  front  of  him;  he  seises 


84  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

it,  they  struggle  for  it,  trying  to  take  it 
out  of  each  other's  hands;  she  screams, 
he  tries  to  get  it;  there  is  a  scuffle  round 
the  room;  he  tries  to  rub  her  knuckles, 
she  makes  a  little  feint  to  bite  him;  in  the 
struggle  the  box  drops  on  the  floor  a  little 
below  the  table,  right. 

Dolly.    Jobling!   Jobling!    Jobling! 

Harry.  Now,  madam,  for  the  last  time,  have  I  all 
your  bills? 

Dolly.    Jobling!    Jobling!    Jobling! 

Harry.    Have  I  all  your  bills? 

Dolly.    Jobling!    Jobling!    Jobling! 

Harry.    Once  more,  madam,  have  I  all  your  bills? 

Dolly.     No,  you  haven't! 

Harry.  Then  please  hand  them  over  to  me  this  in- 
stant, so  that  I  may  take  proceedings. 

Dolly.  \_Laughing.'\  Proceedings!  Ha!  Take  your 
proceedings ! 

Harry.     By  Jove!     I  will  take  proceedings. 

Dolly.    Take  them !    Take  them ! 

Harry.  [Walking  about  furiously  with  the  bills.'] 
So  this  is  the  way  the  money  goes!  [Banging  the 
hills. ]  While  I  have  to  smoke  twopenny  cigars !  And 
can't  get  a  decent  dinner ! 

Dolly.    You  can't  get  a  decent  dinner? 

Harry.     No!      Look   at   those   messes   last    night. 
They  weren't  fit  for  a  cook-shop. 
(  Dolly.    Oh!    Oh!    Oh!    Get  a  housekeeper !    Get  a 
housekeeper ! 

Harry.    By  Jove !  that's  what  I  mean  to  do ! 

Dolly.  Have  Miss  Smithson !  Send  for  her  to-mor- 
row morning!    I'll  hand  her  over  the  keys ! 

Harry.  [Shouting.]  And  please  hand  me  over  the 
rest  of  your  bills !    The  rest  of  your  bills,  madam ! 

[Dolly  marches  up  to  the  desk. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  85 

Matt  appears  at  door  in  dressing-gown. 

Matt.    I  can't  get  a  wink  of  sleep 

[Dolly  takes  out  about  twenty  more  hills. 

Harry.    I  insist  on  seeing  the  whole  lot !     So  there ! 

Dolly.  [^Flourishing  the  hills,  strewing  them  on  the 

floor. ^     Well  there!     And  there!     And  there!     And 

there!     Now  you've  got  the  whole  lot!     And  I  hope 

you're  satisfied.    I'm  going  into  Renie's  room !      [Exit. 

Harry.    I  insist  on  your  going  through  these  bills — 

[Following  her  off.  Their  voices  are  heard 
retreating  upstairs,  Dolly  saying,  "  go 
through  the  bills !  Send  for  Miss  Smith- 
son  !  Have  her  here  to-morrow  morning ! 
Take  your  proceedings,"  Harry  saying, 
"  I  insist  on  going  through  the  bills  to- 
night! Do  you  hear,  madam,  I  insist! 
Will  you  come  down  and  go  through 
these  bills,"  etc. 

Matt.  [Listens,  as  their  voices  die  away.  When 
the  voices  have  ceased,  he  surveys  the  scene.]  We're 
making  a.  splendid  start  for  the  New  Year ! 

[Sees  the  box  on  the  floor,  picks  it  up,  care' 
fully  places  it  on  tahle  and  goes  off. 

CURTAIN. 


86  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

(A  year  passes  between  Acts  III  and  IV.) 
ACT  IV. 

Scene:.     The  same. 

Time:    Afternoon  of  January  ist,  1908. 

Enter  Lucas,  followed  by  Criddle.  Lucas  has  his 
left  collar-bone  broken,  and  his  arm  is  strapped 
across  his  breast;  his  coat  is  buttoned  loosely  over 
the  arm,  the  left  sleeve  hanging  down. 

Lucas.    They've  gone  to  meet  me  ? 

Criddle.     Yes,  sir. 

Lucas.    By  the  road? 

Criddle.     Yes,  sir. 

Lucas.  That's  how  I've  missed  them.  My  car  broke 
down  the  other  side  of  the  clump,  and  so  I  walked  over 
the  fields. 

Criddle.  Yes,  sir.  I  beg  pardon,  I  hope  the  arm 
isn't  serious. 

Lucas.  No,  Criddle.  Just  serious  enough  to  get  me 
a  couple  of  months'  leave,  so  that  I  could  spend  the 
New  Year  in  England. 

Criddle.  You  had  it  very  hot  in  India,  I  suppose, 
sir? 

Lucas.    Blazing! 

Criddle.  We've  got  the  same  old  weather  here,  you 
see,  sir. 

Lucas.  Same  old  weather!  Had  any  visitors  for 
Christmas,  Criddle? 

Criddle.  -Mr.  Barron,  of  course,  and  Professor  and 
Mrs.  Sturgess. 

Lucas.  Same  old  visitors — same  visitors,  I  should 
say.    Mr.  Pilcher  still  Vicar  here,  I  suppose  ? 

Criddle.  Yes,  sir.  He  gave  us  a  wonderful  sermon 
at  the  old  year's  service  last  night. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  Sy 

Lucas.    Same  old  sermon ! 

Criddle.  No,  sir.  Not  exactly  the  same  sermon, 
though  it  had  similar  points  to  last  year.  Ah!  You 
came  over  for  the  old  year's  service  last  year? 

Lucas.    Yes,  and  a  rattling  good  sermon  it  was ! 

Criddle.  Very  powerful  and  persuading,  wasn't  it, 
sir  ?    It  even  touched  me  up  a  bit. 

Lucas.    In  what  way,  Criddle? 

Criddle.  I  used  to  have  my  ten  bob  on  any  horse  as 
I  fancied,  but  I  never  put  a  farthing  on  anything — not 
even  on  Sulky  Susan  for  the  Oaks. 

Lucas.    You  didn't  ? 

Criddle.  No,  and  thank  God,  in  a  manner  of  speak- 
ing, that  I  didn't,  for  she  never  pulled  it  off.  I  owe 
that  to  Mr.  Pilcher.  No,  I  never  touched  a  thing  till 
the  Leger.     That  reminds  me 

Lucas.    What,  Criddle? 

Criddle.  Why,  last  year,  after  Mr.  Pilcher's  sermon, 
the  master  had  a  collecting  box,  and  when  he  found 
himself  going  a  bit  off  the  straight  he  used  to  put  in 
a  shilling  or  half-a-crown  for  Mr.  Pilcher's  blanket 
fund 

Lucas.  Yes,  of  course !  And  Uncle  Matt  promised 
him  a  sovereign  for  each  of  us  if  we  had  carried  out 
our  good  resolutions.    Is  that  coming  off,  Criddle? 

Criddle.  I  expect  it  is,  sir.  Mr.  Pilcher  is  coming 
here  this  afternoon,  and  the  master  told  me  to  be  sure 
and  find  the  box  before  he  gets  here. 

Lucas.    Find  the  box? 

Criddle.  Nobody  has  seen  anything  of  it  for  some 
months.    Excuse  me,  sir,  I  must  look  for  it. 

[Exit  Criddle. 

Lucas  takes  out  letter  from  an  unsealed  envelope, 
glances  through  it,  sits  at  table,  takes  out  pencil^ 
adds  a  short  note,  puts  letter  in  envelope,  seals  it 
up,  puts  it  in  his  tail  pocket,  goes  to  conservaUxry, 


88  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

looks  in.    Renie  enters  at  door  behind  him.    She 
starts,  as  he  turns  round. 

Renie.     [/w  a  whisper.]     You're  here  already? 

Lucas.    Yes 

Renie.    Your  wound? 

Lucas.    Much  better.    Nearly  well. 

Renie.    I'm  so  glad 

Lucas.     I'm  not.     I   shall  have  to  cut  it  back  to 
India  directly.    Why  didn't  you  answer  my  last  letter  ? 

Renie.    I  did — and  tore  it  up. 

Lucas.    Tore  it  up? 

Renie.     What's  the  use?     I  told  you  last  year  we 
could  never  be  anything  to  each  other! 

Lucas.    But  you  didn't  mean  it? 

\_He  seises  her  hand  and  kisses  it  several  times. 

Henie.  \_Feebly  attempting  to  withdraw  it.]     Yes — • 
yes,  I  did.     Hush! 

Lucas.    I  want  you  to  read  this. 

\^Shows  her  the  letter. 

Matt.  \_Heard  through  the  door  which  is  open  a  fezv 
inches.]  Have  you  found  the  box,  Criddle? 

Criddle.     No,  sir.      I've  hunted  everywhere. 

Matt.    Have  another  look.    We  must  have  it  ready 
for  Mr.  Pilcher. 

Matt  enters.  Meantime  Renie  has  crept  to  upper 
conservatory  door  and  gone  off  signing  to  Lucas 
to  keep  silence.  He  has  taken  the  letter  out  of  his 
pocket  and  held  it  up  for  her  to  see,  putting  it  back 
before  Matt  enters. 

Matt.     Ah,   Lucas.     So  you've  got  here.     Happy 
New  Year! 

Lucas.     Happy  New  Year,  Uncle  Matt. 

[Cordially  shaking  hands. 
Matt.    Glad  to  see  you  back  in  England. 
Lucas.    Glad  to  be  back ! 
Matt.    How's  the  arm  ? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  89 

Lucas.  Splendid — nearly  well.  Dolly  and  Harry  all 
right? 

Matt.    First  rate.    They'll  be  here  directly. 

Lucas.  The  Sturgesses  are  here  again,  Criddle  tells 
me. 

Matt.    Ye-es. 

Lucas.     Gray  matter  still  going  strong? 

Matt.    Booming. 

Lucas.     How's  Mrs.  Sturgess? 

Matt.  As  usual,  a  little  inclined  to  flop  about  and 
play  act 

Lucas.  Yes.  Jolly  good-looking  woman  though, 
eh? 

Matt.    Very.    Lucas 

Lucas.    Well  ? 

Matt.    You're  quite  cured,  eh? 

Lucas.    Cured? 

Matt.    Of  your  infatuation  for  her. 

Lucas.  Infatuation  ?  Well,  I  admired  her,  and  per- 
haps it  was  lucky  I  was  ordered  out  to  India 

Matt.    I  managed  that  for  you,  my  boy. 

Lucas.    You  did!? 

Matt.  Sir  John  wanted  a  smart  A.D.C.,  so  I  drove 
ever  to  Aldershot,  urged  your  claims,  and  got  you  the 
appointment. 

Lucas.  So  that  was  why  I  was  packed  off.  It  was 
you  who 

Matt.    Aren't  you  thankful  I  did? 

Lucas.     Yes,  much  obliged  to  you,  much  obliged! 

Matt.    So  you  ought  to  be.    And  so's  the  lady. 

Lucas.     Is  she? 

Matt.  Yes.  When  we  got  your  wire  yesterday  say- 
ing you'd  motor  down  to-day,  Dolly  had  a  long  talk 
with  her,  and  the  result  was  she  thanked  Dolly  and  me 
for  getting  you  out  of  the  way  and  saving  her  from 
you. 


90  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas,    Did  she? 

Matt.  Yes,  for  twenty  minutes.  She  kissed  Dolly, 
and  I  think  she  would  have  kissed  me,  only  I  didn't 
feel  myself  quite  worthy. 

Lucas.     Oh,  so  that's  all  settled! 

Matt.    That's  all  settled.    At  least,  let's  hope  so. 

Lucas.    What  do  you  mean  ? 

Matt.    Well,  you  won^t  come 

Lucas.    What  ? 

Matt.    The  same  old  game. 

Lucas.    What  same  old  game? 

Matt.    Why,  the  same  old  game ! 

Lucas.  You  must  be  judging  me  by  yourself,  when 
you  were  young. 

Matt.  My  dear  boy,  that's  just  what  I  am  doing. 
Lucas,  there's  not  going  to  be  any  repetition — — 

Lucas.    No — no. 

Matt.    Because  it  isn't  the  right  thing  to  do,  is  it  ? 

Lucas.     No. 

Matt.    Very  well  then,  don't  do  it ! 

Lucas.    I  won't!     [^Listening.^     Ah!  [Dolly  and 
Harry's  voices  heard  in  hall^     Dolly  and  Harry! 
Dolly  and  Harry  enter  very  lovingly. 

Lucas.    Hillo,  Doll,  old  girl !    Happy  New  Year! 

Dolly.    Happy  New  Year,  Lu ! 

Lucas.    Harry,  old  brick,  how  goes  it? 

Harry.     Splendid ! 

Lucas.    Happy  New  Year! 

Harry.  Happy  New  Year!  [Looking  lovingly  at 
Dolly.]  By  Jove,  Doll,  you  can  foot  it.  [To  Lucas.] 
Doll  and  I  have  just  raced  up  from  the  farm.  She 
licked  me !  bless  her ! 

Dolly.    Yes,  because  you  encouraged  me ! 

Harry.  [Looking  at  her  lovingly  and  admiringly, 
kisses  her  heartily. 1  There  aren't  many  things  this 
little  woman  can't  do. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  91 

Dolly.    When  you  encourage  me! 

Harry.    Oh,  I'll  encourage  you! 

\^He  again  kisses  her  heartily. 

Harry.     Well,  Lu,  old  boy,  glad  to  see  you  home 
again.    Arm  pretty  bad  ? 

Lucas.    No,  nearly  well,  unfortunately. 

Dolly.    Down  for  the  day? 

Lucas.    Well,  now  my  car  has  broken  down,  I  was 
wondering  if  you'd  put  me  up 

Dolly.  [Firmly.^     No.    We  shall  be  pleased  for  you 
to  stay  to  dinner. 

Harry.  There's  the  spare  room,  Doll. 

Dolly.   [FfVm/y.]      No.     That  may  be  wanted  for 
Renie  or  myself. 

Harry.  [Half  aside  to  her.'\    I  say,  not  for  you,   old 
girl! 

Lucas.    Oh,  well,  I  shall  have  to  get  a  shake-down  at 
the  Red  Lion. 

Enter  Renie  at  back,  still  in  outdoor  clothes. 

Renie.  [Feigning  a  little  surprise.']     Captain  Went- 
worth !    A  happy  New  Year ! 

Lucas.    Happy  New  Year,  Mrs.  Sturgess. 

[Shaking  hands. 

Renie.    So  sorry  to  hear  of  your  wound ! 

Lucas.    Oh,  it's  healed,  thank  you. 

Renie.     I'm  so  glad.     Shall  you  be  making  a  long 
stay  in  England? 

Lucas.    I  fear  only  a  few  days  longer. 

Renie.    I'm  sorry  your  visit  will  be  so  short. 

Criddle  enters  triumphantly  with  the  hospital  box 
which  is  very  mouldy  and  dusty — he  has  also  dus- 
ter in  his  hand. 

Criddle.     I've  found  him,  sir — 
Matt.    Rather  mouldy,  eh? 


92  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Criddle.    Oh,  we'll  soon  put  that  to  rights,  sir. 

[Begins  to  dust  the  box  carefully. 

Matt.  Looks  well  for  your  household  discipline 
here,  Harry. 

Harry.    How  ? 

Matt.    You've  had  no  occasion  to  use  him  lately. 

Criddle.  [^Displaying  the  box,  having  carefully  dusted 
«V.]  There  he  is,  sir,  Hospital  for  Incurables !  Nearly 
as  good  as  new. 

Matt.    Where  did  you  find  him? 

Criddle.  In  the  wine-cellar,  of  all  places!  I  was 
getting  out  a  bottle  of  the  sixty-eight  port  for  New 
Year's  night,  and  happening  to  put  my  hand  behind, 
there  he  was ! 

Harry.  [Has  a  sudden  gesture  of  remembrance.] 
Yes,  I  remember! 

Matt.  What  should  incurables  be  doing  in  the  wine- 
cellar?  [Holds  out  his  hand  to  Criddle  for  the  box. 
Criddle,  who  has  been  holding  it  carefully,  gives  it  to 
Matt.  Exit  Criddle.  Matt  gives  the  box  a  shake. 
It  rattles  as  if  half  full  of  coins.  He  shakes  it  again, 
more  violently;  it  rattles  again.]  Internal  organs 
sound  healthy.  How  did  he  get  into  the  wine-cellar, 
Harry  ? 

Harry.  Well,  Dolly  and  I  had  been  having  a  little 
tiff  one  morning — nothing  serious 

Matt.     No.     When  was  that? 

Harry.     March,  wasn't  it? 

Dolly.    May,  I  think 

Harry.  No,  it  wasn't  that  one — Well,  never  mind, 
I  got  so  riled  at  Dolly  always  poking  this  box  in  front 
of  me  whenever  I  happened  to — so  I  thought  the  wine- 
cellar  would  be  the  safest  place  for  it. 

Matt.  [Gives  it  another  rattle.]  W^ell,  here  he  is, 
turned  up  just  at  the  right  moment!  And  here  you 
all    are,    Dolly,    Harry,    Lucas,    Mrs.    Sturgess — all 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  93 

clamouring  for  me  to  redeem  my  promise  and  put  in  a 
sovereign  for  each  of  you. 

Criddle  appears  at  door  announcing  Mr.  Pilcher. 
PiLCHER  enters  with  four  oblong  brown  paper 
parcels  of  equal  size.    Exit  Criddle. 

Pilcher.  Happy  New  Year  to  you  all !  Excuse  me. 
[Depositing  his  parcels.']  My  New  Year's  gifts  to  a 
few  of  my  parishioners! 

Dolly.     New  Year's  gifts! 

Pilcher.  To  those  who  need  them.  [Shaking  hands 
with  her.]    Happy  New  Year,  Mr.  Barron ! 

[Shaking  hands. 

Matt.    Happy  New  Year! 

Pilcher.  How  do  this  morning,  Telfer!  [Harry 
nods.]     My  dear  Mrs.  Sturgess!         [Shaking  hands. 

Renie.  Happy  New  Year!  What  a  lovely  sermon 
you  gave  us  again  last  night ! 

Pilcher.    Lovely !    Well,  say  healthy,  bracing. 

Harry.  A  jolly  good  rouser  again.  Made  me  feel — 
well [Gives  himself  a  shake. 

Pilcher.    Ah,  Captain  Wentworth,  happy  New  Year  I 

Lucas.  [Shaking  hands.]    Happy  New  Year! 

Pilcher.    I  heard  you  were  wounded 

Lucas.    Oh,  that's  done  with. 

Matt.  We  were  just  talking  about  our  New  Year's 
inquest 

Pilcher.    Inquest  ? ! 

Matt.  Into  the  characters  of  Dolly  and  Harry 
and [Glancing  at  Renie  and  Lucas. 

Dolly.  Oh,  please  don't  talk  about  inquests.  No- 
body's character  is  dead  here. 

Matt.     I  hope  not!    We  shall  see 

Lucas.    Uncle,  you  don't  really  mean 


Matt.     It  was  a  bona  fide  bargain  on  my  side,  but 
if  you  wish  to  avt)id  any  awkward  little  exposures,  or 


94  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

if  Mr.  Pilcher  will  kindly  waive  his  claims  to  my  con- 
tributions  

Pilcher.  I'm  afraid  I  can't.  I  have  come  here  for 
the  express  purpose  of  bearing  away  my  trophy — Ah! 
[Seeing  box  on  table,  takes  it,  gives  it  a  shake;  his 
features  assume  a  pleasant  smile. ^  It  seems  to  have 
proved  a  very  wholesome  household  regulator. 

Harry.  Yes,  by  Jove!  It  hadn't  been  in  the  house 
twenty-four  hours  before  I  put  in  a  sovereign. 

Pilcher.    A  sovereign? 

Harry.  The  first  night  of  last  year  Dolly  and  I  had 
a  little  tiff — nothing  serious — and  so  the  next  morning 
I  made  it  up  and — didn't  I,  Dolly? 

Dolly.  You  did !  And  paid  my  bills  like  a  lamb,  you 
dear! 

Pilcher.  And  put  in  a  sovereign?  [Rattles  the  box 
again. ^  I  won't  say  "  Don't  have  any  more  household 
tiffs,"  but  I  will  say  "  Don't  omit  to  liquidate  them." 
[Gives  the  box  another  rattle. 1^  The  box  must  have 
been  in  pretty  constant  use  since 

Harry.    Ye-es. 

Professor  Sturgess  enters  at  back,  with  the  proofs  of 
his  book  in  his  hand. 

Prof.    How  do  you  do  ? 

Pilcher.  [Has  put  down  box.~\  How  do  you  do? 
[Shaking  hands. '\     Happy  New  Year! 

Prof.  Happy  New  Year  to  you!  [To  Lucas.] 
How  d'ye  do? 

Lucas.    First  rate.    Happy  New  Year ! 

[Shaking  hands, 
^rof.    Thank  you.    An  accident? 

Lucas.    Bit  of  one.    Getting  over  it. 

Prof.  If  I  might  recommend  the  constant  use  of 
Pableine. 

Lucas.    Oh,  thanks,  it's  quite  well 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  95 

Prof,  Try  Pableine.  It's  a  wonderful  restorative. 
I'm  intruding [Looking  round. 

Pilcher.  Not  at  all.  We  were  just  about  to  settle 
the  question  Mr.  Barron  raised  last  New  Year's 
day 

Prof.  Oh,  yes;  I  remember!  Curiously  enough  I 
have  only  this  morning  received  the  proofs  of  my  new 
volume,  "  Free  Will,  the  Illusion." 

[Showing  the  proofs  to  Pilcher. 

Pilcher.  Very  interesting.  I  should  like  to  discuss 
the  matter  with  you,  but  [taking  out  watch]  I  have 
so  many  New  Year's  calls  to  make.  [Looking  at 
Matt.]  Perhaps  we  ought  to  get  on  with  the — 
a 

Matt.    Inquest. 

Pilcher.     Vindication. 

Matt.  [Accepting  the  correction.]     Vindication. 

Prof.  I  may  perhaps  be  allowed  to  point  out  that 
Mr.  Barron's  novel  and  humorous  experiment  can  in 
no  sense  be  said  to  settle,  or  even  to  touch,  the  ques- 
tion of  Free  Will,  which  as  I  have  proved  here  de- 
pends upon [Again   offering  the  proof. 

Pilcher.  I  should  like  to  look  through  those  sheets, 
but [Glancing  at  Matt. 

Prof.  You  shall !  I  have  put  the  whole  argument 
into  the  concrete  case  of  Sarah  Mumford 

Pilcher.    Sarah  Mumford? 
■^   Prof.     The  baby  farmer 

Matt.    Sarah's  gray  matter  gone  watery  ? 

Prof.    Not  watery,  but  she  had  a  yellow  effusion — 

Matt.    I  suppose  that's  just  as  bad  ? 

Prof.     Quite. 

Matt.    What  did  they  do  with  her? 

Prof.  They  hanged  her.  They  then  discovered  ex- 
tensive lessions  and  this  yellow  effusion 


96  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Matt.  Pity  they  didn't  discover  that  before  they 
hanged  her. 

Prof.    My  exact  point !    Where  is  the  justice  of  pun- 
jk  ishing  a  woman   whose ,  gray  matter   functions  per- 
versely?   It  is  nothing  short  of  a  crime. 

Dolly.    But  she  had  suffocated  five  dear  little  babies  ? 

Matt.  How  could  she  avoid  suffocating  babies  if  she 
had  a  yellow  effusion  in  her  brain? 

^    Prof.    Precisely  my  argument J[Puts  his  proofs 

into  Matt's  hands.    Points  out  a  passage.     Matt,  a 
little  embarrassed,  takes  them,  looks  through  them.'\ 

Prof.  The  point  I  wish  to  establish  is  this.  While 
^  we  all  allow  that  extensive  or  recognizable  diseases  of, 
or  injuries  to,  the  brain,  free  a  man  from  responsibility 
and  punishment,  how  can  we  logically  mete  out  blame 
or  praise,  punishment  or  reward  to  our  ordinary  acts, 
thoughts,  and  impulses,  seeing  that  all  our  acts, 
thoughts,  and  impulses,  good  or  bad,  virtuous  or  crimi- 
nal, are  equally  the  mere  expressions  of  certain  inevi- 
table physical  changes  in  the  brain,  the  mere  register  on 
the  dial  plate  of  consciousness  of  necessary  predeter- 
mined complications  in  the  working  of  certain  atoms 
of  the  gray  matter  of  our  cortex? 

Matt.  Quite  so!  Quite  so!  [Dolly  is  about  to 
speak,  but  Matt  hushes  her  down  with  a  warning  look 
and  sign.]  The  Professor  wants  to  say  with  Socrates 
that  no  man  would  be  such  a  fool  as  to  do  wrong,  if 
he  could  possibly  help  it. 
"  Prof.    Well,  if  you  like  to  put  it  that  way 

Pilcher.  And  now  perhaps  we  might  proceed.  Can 
you  remember  the  exact  terms,  Mr.  Barron? 

Matt.  I  am  to  pay  a  sovereign  for  everyone  of 
your  hearers  who  has  so  far  benefited  by  the  wise 
admonitions  of  your  last  year's  sermon  as  to  have 
broken  off  his  bad  habits,  or  some  especial  bad  habit — 

Lucas.  We  aren't  bound  to  say  what  the  habit  is 
that  we've  broken  off? 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  97 

Matt.  I  don't  wish  to  be  inquisitive,  but  if  you  don't 
mention  the  particular  bad  habit,  you  will  have  to  give 
me  your  word  of  honor  that  you've  conquered  it  [Pm/- 
ting  down  proofs  on  table,  taking  up  the  money-box,^ 
giving  it  a  shake.']  Now,  who  will  be  first  to  step 
into  the  confessional  ?  [^Looking  round. 

Dolly.     I  will.     As  I've  nothing  to  confess. 

Matt.     Nothing? 

Dolly.  No.  I  had  what  some  husbands  might  think, 
a  bad  habit,  but 

Harry.     No  bills  this  Christmas,  eh,  Doll? 

Dolly.    No. 

Harry.    You're  sure  now,  my  darling? 

Dolly.    None  of  any  importance. 

Harry.    What  do  you  mean  of  any  importance? 

Dolly.  Well,  you  must  have  some  bills — they  grow 
up  before  you  know — such  as  Doctors'  bills — you  can't 
settle  them  all  on  the  spur  of  the  moment,  but  I've 
nothing — nothing  of  importance.  So  please  put  in 
your  sovereign  for  me.  Dad,  and  look  pleasant  aboutjit. 

Matt.  You  declare  upon  your  word  of  honor  that 
you  have  broken  off  your  bad  habit  of  running  up 
bills? 

Dolly.    Yes. 

Matt.    Entirely  ? 

Dolly.    Yes.    You  said  you  wouldn't  be  inquisitive. 

Matt.    Yes,  but 

Pilcher.  Mrs.  Telfer  has.given  her  word.  I  think  I 
may  claim  one  victory  for  free  will,  [nodding  victor- 
iously at  the  Professor  who  shakes  his  head],  and 
one  sovereign  for  the  Blanket  Club. 

Matt.  Hum !  [Draws  a  sovereign  out  of  his  pocket 
and  very  reluctantly  drops  it  into  the  box,  shakes  his 
head  at  Dolly  who  looks  a  little  uncomfortable.]  Who 
volunteers  next? 

Rente.    I  do.    No — Fll  wait  a  little — I  want  to  make 


98  DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

sure  that  I  am  perfectly  honest  with  myself  and  with 
everybody. 

Matt.  That  perhaps  may  need  a  little  consideration, 
Lucas  ? 

Lucas.    Oh,  let  Harry  have  his  doing  first! 

Matt.     Now,  Harry! 

Harry.  Oh,  well,  here  goes !  I'm  going  to  make  a 
clean  breast.  The  fact  is  I've  made  a  thundering  mess 
oi  it. 

Matt.    Ah ! 

Harry.  I  did  begin  all  right  except  for  a  little  tiff 
with  Dolly — and  then  I  kept  on  pretty  well  for  some 
time,  and  then — well  I  don't  know — I  seemed  to  go  all 
to  pieces  and — [Matt  rattles  the  money-box.^  How- 
ever, better  luck  this  year. 

Pilcher.     Shall  we  say  a  little  more  resolution? 

Harry.  Oh,  I  mean  to  pull  myself  together  this 
year. 

Matt.  Perhaps  you  tried  too  much  reforming, 
Harry — too  many  irons  in  the  fire,  eh? 

Harry.  Well,  it's  jolly  hard  to  keep  it  up.  And  I'd 
got  pretty  slack  till  you  woke  us  up  last  night — I  say, 
that  was  a  rouser  again. 

Pilcher.  It  wasn't  a  very  bad  sermon,  was  it  ?  Well 
now  for  the  next  year  shall  we  make  one  especial  ef- 
fort in  one  especial  direction —    Say 

Dolly.    Temper,  eh,  Harry? 

Harry.     Right,  old  girl!     Oh,  I  mean  it. 

Matt.  No  victory  for  free  will,  and  the  Blanket 
Club,  this  time.  Game  and  game,  eh?  Now  which  of 
you  two [^Looking  at  Renie  and  Lucas. 

Rente.  I'll  be  your  first  victim.  [Coming  into  the 
middle  of  the  room,  and  posing.^  It's  so  strange  that 
what  you  started  as  a  jest 

Matt.    Oh  no,  in  deadly  earnest  I  assure  you. 

Renie.    In  this  life  who  knows  what  is  jest  and  what 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  99 

is  earnest  ?  The  least  little  innocent  thing  may  turn  to 
a  tragedy  in  a  moment 

Matt.     Surely  you  haven't  had  any  little  tragedies? 

Rente.  No,  last  year  a  mere  little  circumstance 
might  have  turned  to  a  tragedy — honestly  I  wasn't  to 
blame,  but  perhaps  I  was  a  little  careless,  and  two  dear 
friends  came  to  me  with  their  counsel,  and  what  might 
have  been  a  tragedy  was  turned  to  a  comedy,  thanks 
to  those  two  dear  friends ! 

Prof.  My  dear,  may  I  ask  "  what  circumstance  " 
you  are  alluding  to  ? 

Matt.     We  said  we  wouldn't  be  inquisitive 

Prof.  No,  but  I  cannot  recall  anything  in  my  wife's 
life,  during  the  last  twelve  months  that  even  approached 
a  tragedy 

Renie.     I  said  the  affair  was  quite  unimportant 

Prof.  Then  I  wish,  my  dear,  you  wouldn't  magnify 
>€verything,  and  I  wish  you  would  read  solid  scientific 
works  in  place  of  rubbishy  French  novels — and  above 
all,  take  a  little  more  regular  exercise ! 

Matt.  Perhaps  Mrs.  Sturgess  may  consider  that 
little  point  during  the  coming  year.  Meantime,  [To 
Renie]  may  we  be  confident  your  little  tragedy  is 
ended 

Renie.     Oh  yes,  quite. 

Matt.  We  needn't  ask  its  nature,  but  you  give  us 
your  word  of  honor?  \^Looks  at  her  very  searchingly 
and  speaking  seriously. "[ 

Renie.    Yes,  my  word  of  honor. 

Matt.     Thank  you. 

Pilcher.     Another  victory. 

Matt.  [Looks  searchingly  at  her,  drops  a  sovereign 
in  the  hox.^     Lucas? 

Lucas.  [Coming  cheerfully  forward.]  My  turn" 
for  the  thumbscrew ! 

Matt.     You  seem    very  cheerful  about  it. 


100        DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Lucas.    Yes,  Vm  going  to  make  a  jolly  good  show. 

Matt.  What  particular  bad  habit  have  you  con- 
quered during  the  past  year? 

Lucas.  I  don't  know  that  I've  conquered  any  one 
in  particular,  but  I've  had  a  regular  good  go  in  all 
round,  so  altogether  I  can  pat  myself  on  the  back. 

Matt.  But  I  want  to  know  one  particular  habit 
conquered — for  instance,  you  weren't  very  careful  what 
ladies  you  made  love  to,  or  how  many  of  them  at  the 
same  time 

Lucas.    I  say,  Uncle  Matt,  drop'^this 

Matt.  And  a  year  or  two  ago  you  went  just  a  little 
bit  off  the  straight 

Lucas.    Oh  no  I  didn't. 

Matt.    I  want  to  know 


Lucas.  Thank  you,  no  more  thumbscrew.  Tm  out 
of  this  before  it  goes  any  further. 

Matt.  It  isn't  going  any  further.  [Putting  his  hand 
on  Lucas's  shoulder.^  Give  me  your  word  of 
honor 

Lucas.  That's  all  very  well,  it  wasn't  a  very  bad 
case,  and  I  don't  think  you  should  have  brought  it  up. 
But  as  you  have — well,  I  did  meet  a  lady,  and  I  was 
very  much  attracted  to  her,  but  I  summoned  all  my 
resolution,  and  there  the  matter  ended. 

Pitcher.    I  think  I  may  claim  a  victory  here. 

Lucas.    So  please  put  in  your  sovereign. 

Matt.  [Very  seriously.']  If  you  will  give  me  your 
word  of  honor  that  you  have  absolutely  broken  off 

Lucas.    Yes,  yes,  of  course  I  have. 

[Matt  puts  in  a  sovereign,  hands  the  box  to 

PiLCHER. 

Pitcher.  Three  victories  and  one  draw  out  of  four. 
Most  satisfactory.  [Taking  out  watch.]  I  must  hurry 
off  to  the  White  House  and  see  what  they're  doing 
there.     [Rattling  the  box.]     Excellent  results!     So 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF         loi 

excellent  that  I  think  Fm  justified  in  making  you  a  little 
New  Year's  gift. 

l^Going  to  his  heap  of  brown-paper  parcels. 

Dolly.  A  New  Year's  gift!  How  kind  of  you!  To 
me? 

Pile  her.  [^Opening  his  pare  el. '\  To  you  and  your 
husband.  To  your  husband  in  particular,  because, 
although  he  may  have  fallen  a  little  short  of  perfection 
during  the  last  year — like  some  of  the  rest  of  us — yet 
I  feel  sure  that  during  this  coming  y^dir— [They  have 
all  been  watching  him  curiously;  he  has  now  opened 
the  parcel  and  displays  a  very  bright  brand  new  collect- 
ing box,  with  Crookbury  Blanket  Club  painted  on  it,  in 
large  letters.  It  is  much  larger  than  the  hospital  box.'\ 
My  household  regulator!  [Giving  it  to  Dolly. 

Dolly.  [Who  has  shown  considerable  disappoint- 
ment on  the  opening  of  the  par  eel. '\  Crookbury  Blanket 
Club !  Thank  you  so  much,  for  Harry's  sake.  Harry ! 
For  you,  dear. 

[She  gives  the  box  to  Harry,  who  places  it  on 
the  same  table. '\ 

Dolly.    You  call  it  the  household  regulator  ? 

Pitcher.  Yes — I  have  suggested  it  to  several  of  my 
brethren.  Oh,  its  use  will  become  very  general 
throughout  the  diocese. 

Dolly.    You  think  it  will  work  well? 

Pilcher.  It  cannot  fail.  A  box  of  this  character — 
larger  or  smaller,  according  to  the  size  of  the  family 
and  their  behaviour  is  left  at  each  house  on  the  first  of 
the  year.  All  little  failings,  peccadilloes,  and  asperities 
are  strictly  fined.  The  inevitable  result  is  that  either 
the  family  behaviour  improves,  or  the  parish  charities 
benefit.  I'm  starting  its  operation  in  my  parish  to-day. 
Forgive  any  inexcusable  rudeness  in  leaving  the  first 
box  with  you.  I  must  hurry  off!  [Shaking  hands.^ 
Good-bye,  Professor. 


102         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

.        Prof.     I  should  like  to  make  that  point  clear  with 
■     regard  to  free  will 


Pitcher.    When  you  have  an  hour,  or  shall  I  say  a 

year,  to  spare,  we  might  argue  it  out 

Prof.     You're  going  to  the  White  House?     If  I 

^ might  accompany  you 

Pitcher.     Delighted ! 

[Shakes  hands  in  dumb  show  with  Dolly 
and  Harry. 

Prof.     Renie,  you've  had  your  restless  fits  again. 

"  You'd  better  come  with  us 

Renie.    But  I've  already  been  walking 


Prof.    My  dear,  this  bracing  country  air  is  just  what 
you  need.    Keep  out  in  it  all  the  day  long 

Renie.     Oh,  very  well — the  White  House,  and  the 
fish-pond  as  usual,  I  suppose? 
^   Prof.    As  usual.     Come  along. 

l^Exit  Renie  slightly  shrugs  her  shoulders, 
very  slightly  glances  at  Lucas  and  exit 
after  Professor. 

Lucas.    The  dear  old  fish-pond !    We  might  all  take 
a  stroll  there ! 

Matt.     Good  idea!     The  dear  old  fish-pond!     We 
might  all  take  a  stroll  there ! 

[Linking  his  arm  with  Lucas. 
Lucas.     [Suspicious,  holding  back.']     I  don't  know 

that  I  care — we  went  there  lafet  year 

Matt.    We  did !    Satne  old  game,  eh  ?    Come  along. 

[Drags  Lucas  off. 

Pitcher.    [Has  been  gathering  up  his  parcels.]    Well, 

good-bye!      Good-bye!      [Rttttles    the    hospital    box 

vigorously.]    Three  splendid  victories  for  free  will  and 

moral  resolution ! 

[Exit,  rattling  the  box. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF         103 

Harry.  Doll,  you  really  haven't  got  any  bills  this 
year  ? 

Dolly.  No !  no !  Only  the  few  little  oddments  that 
no  woman  can  prevent. 

Harry.    You  might  let  me  see  the  little  oddments 

Dolly.  I  will.  [Suddenly.^  Oh  Harry,  I  quite  for- 
got !     Do  forgive  me ! 

Harry.    What  ? 

Dolly.     I  never  wrote  the  geyser  bath  people! 

Harry.    Never  mind  the  geyser  bath. 

Dolly.  And  only  this  morning  you  rowed  me  be- 
cause I  hadn't  got  it  ready  for  the  New  Year !  Where 
did  you  put  their  address? 

Harry  I  don't  know!  Somewhere  upstairs  among 
my  papers. 

Dolly.  [Gently  pushing  him  off.^  I  can  just  catch 
to-night's  post !  Make  haste  and  get  it !  Quick ! 
There's  a  dear!  And  then  we  can  get  the  bath  fixed 
up  for  you  next  week. 

Harry.  Ye — es.  I  say,  Doll,  I  mean  to  get  those 
oddments  fixed  up  to-night. 

\Taps  the  writing-case  significantly  and  exit. 
Dolly  looks  frightened,  ^ees  him  off, 
goes  up  to  writing-desk,  takes  out  hills, 
looks  at  them,  throws  up  her  arms  in 
despair,  groans,  slams  down  the  writing- 
desk,  looks  at  the  chair  she  has  touched 
in  first  act,  shows  great  resolution, 
marches  up  and  touches  it. 

Dolly.    Yes !    Yes !    I  have  got  free  will. 

\^Goes  hack  from  it,  again  looks  at  it,  again 
marches  up  to  it,  touches  it. 

Dolly.    Then  why  do  I  keep  on  having  bills? 

Renie  enters  in  great  agitation  and  distress. 


104         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 


Renie. 

Oh,  Dolly! 

Dolly. 

What's  the  matter? 

Renie. 

Oh,  Dolly! 

Dolly. 

What  is  it? 

Renie. 

[Throws  her  arms  round  Dolly  affection- 

ately.^ 

You've  always  been  such  a  true  friend  to 

me 

Dolly.    Yes,  dear. 

Renie.  More  like  a  sister.  And  I  know  I  may  trust 
you  now. 

Dolly.  [A  little  suspicious.^  Yes.  Has  anything 
happened  ? 

Renie.    Yes.    Oh,  Dolly — — 

Dolly.    Tell  me ! 

Renie.  As  we  were  going  out  at  the  garden  gate. 
Captain  Wentworth  held  out  a  letter  behind  his  back 
for  me  to  take 

Dolly.    What?! 

Renie.  But  now  his  arm  is  wounded  he  couldn't 
manage  it  properly,  and  he  dropped  it.  I  hurried  to 
pick  it  up,  and  then  my  husband  noticed  and  insisted 
on  reading  it 

Dolly.    What  was  in  the  letter? 

Renie.    It  wasn't  so  very  bad,  but  my  husband  has 
chosen  to  jump  to  a  wrong  conclusion,  and — oh,  DoUy,^ 
you  can  help  me ! 

Dolly.     [Coldly,  relaxing  her  embrace. \     How? 

Renie.  If  you'd  only  let  me  tell  my  husband  that 
I  was  receiving  it  for  you 

Dolly.    What?! 

Renie.  There  was  no  address,  and  fortunately  it 
was  so  worded  that  it  showed  that  you  weren't  really 
guilty. 

Dolly.    Oh !    I  wasn't  really  guilty  ? 

Renie.    In  fact,  it  proves  your  complete  innocence. 

Dolly.    I'm  glad  of  that. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF         105 

Rente.    Then  you'll  let  me  say  it  was  you  ? 

Dolly.  No !  You  can't  suppose  I  should  let  my  own 
cousin  make  love  to  me  in  my  own  house  ? ! 

Renie.    You  won't  help  me  ? 

Dolly.  Yes,  any  way  but  that !  How  could  you  be  so 
foolish  ? 

Renie.  I  don't  know.  When  I  heard  yesterday  he 
was  coming,  I  quite  made  up  my  mind  I'd  have 
nothing  to  say  to  him!  Dolly,  free  will  must  be  an 
illusion,  or  else  why  am  I  always  doing  the  things  I 
don't  mean  to  do.    Oh,  what  shall  I  do  ? 

Dolly.  As  you  are  completely  innocent,  you'd  better 
ask  your  husband  to  forgive  you. 

Renie.  Ye — es.  No !  As  it  is  a  perfectly  pure  and 
exalted  attachment  I  shall  take  that  ground — at  any 
rate  at  first,  and  see  what  he  says.  You'll  help  me 
all  you  can? 

Dolly.  Yes,  but  promise  me  you'll  have  nothing  to 
do  with  Lucas  in  future! 

Renie.    No,  indeed !  if  I  once  get  out  of  this. 

Dolly.     Very  well!  I'll  see  what  I  can  do. — Hush! 

The  Professor  enters  with  a  letter  in  his  hand.  Matt 
soothing  him. 

Prof.  [Very  angry. ^  Not  a  word  more,  if  you 
please.    Mrs.  Telfer,  you  have  doubtless  heard 

Dolly.     Yes ? 

Prof.  I  leave  for  London  to-night  to  consult  my 
lawyer.  Mrs.  Sturgess  will,  I  trust,  return  to  her 
friends  until 

Matt.  Perhaps  Mrs,  Sturgess  may  be  able  to  ex- 
plain  

Prof.  What  explanation  can  be  offered  of  language 
like  this.  [Reading  from  letter.']  "  From  the  first 
moment  I  saw  you,  I  felt  that  you  were  entirely 
different  from  any  woman  I  have  ever  met "    A 


io6         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

monstrously  inexact  statement  to  start  with.     And  a 
woman  who  is  capable  of  practising  such  deceit 

[Renie  bursts  into  tears. 

Matt.  I  think  you  ought  to  hear  what  Mrs.  Sturgess 
has  to  say 

Renie.  [Through  her  tears. ^^  What  would  be  the 
use?  With  such  a  nature  as  his  he  could  never  begin  to 
understand  the  loyal  and  exalted  devotion  which 
Captain  Wentworth  feels  for  me !  No,  all  my  life  I 
have  been  misunderstood,  misjudged,  condemned !  Let 
it  be  so  till  the  end !    Dolly,  come  and  help  me  pack ! 

[Exit.  Matt  goes  up  to  table  and  takes  up 
proofs  of  Professor's  hook  and  looks 
through  them. 

Dolly.    You're  really  too  severe  with  poor  Renie — 

Prof.     I  am  not  severe.     I  simply  register  the  in- 
>    evitable  sentence  of  the  husband  upon  the  wife  who 
misconducts  herself! 

Dolly.  Misconducts  herself!  She  has  merely  had 
a  little  harmless  flirtation 

Prof.     In   my  wife   a   flirtation  of   this   character 
"      [pointing  to  letter  in  his  hand~\  constitutes  grave  mis- 
conduct. 

Dolly.  But  that's  perfectly  ridiculous!  Why  it 
might  happen  to  any  woman !    Dad,  explain  to  him 

Matt.  Professor,  you're  taking  altogether  a  wrong 
view  of  this.  Now  this  case  you  were  pointing  out 
to  me  in  your  own  book  [pointing  to  proofs^ — Number 
forty-nine,  Mrs.  Copway.  Remarkably  handsome 
woman  too ! — [reading^  "  The  injustice  and  cruelty  of 
condemning  this  poor  lady  must  be  apparent  to  all." 
My  dear  Professor,  before  publishing  this  book  you'll 
have  to  modify  your  theory. 
/  Prof.  I  cannot  modify  my  theory.  I  have  spent 
ten  years  in  collecting  facts  which  prove  it. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF         107 

Matt.    Then,  pardon  me,  you  must  really  look  over 
Mrs.  Sturgess's  little  indiscretion. 
^  Prof.    That  is  equally  impossible 

Matt.    But  you  say  that  her  action  in  receiving  my 
nephew's   letter   was   entirely   due   to  the   activity  of 
certain  atoms  in  the  gray  matter  of  her  brain. 
•»     Prof.    Undoubtedly  that  is  so. 

Dolly.  Very  well  then,  if  her  gray  matter  keeps  on 
working  wrong,  what's  the  use  of  blaming  her?  You 
say  yourself  there's  no  such  thing  as  free  will 

Prof.  Precisely,  but  I  have  always  allowed  that 
in  the  present  low  moral  and  intellectual  condition 
of  the  herd  of  mankind,  free  will  is  a  plausible  work- 
ing hypothesis. 

Dolly.  But  it  doesn't  Work !  Free  will  won't  work  at 
all !  Look  at  my  own  case !  Do  you  suppose  I  should 
go  on  all  my  life  having  bills  if  I  could  help  myself? 
\_Catching  Matt's  eye,  who  looks  at  her  gravely  and 
holds  up  his  finger.']  Never  mind  my  bills !  Do  make 
him  see  how  wrong  and  absurd  it  is  to  punish  poor 
Renie  when  there's  no  such  thing  as  free  will ! 

Matt.  Dolly's  right!  She's  only  saying  what  you 
have  so  admirably  laid  down  here.  My  dear  Pro- 
fessor, you  cannot  possibly  publish  this  book ! 

>  Prof.    But  it  has  been  announced !    I  must  publish  it. 
Matt.    You  cannot.     Read  that.     [^Giving  the  Pro- 
fessor the  book  and  pointing  out  passage. 1     Surely 
after  that  you  cannot  condemn  Mrs.  Sturgess. 

Prof.  [Taking  hook,  glancing  at  the  passage. '\ 
,  Really,  it's  most  annoying  when  one's  own  wife 
upsets 

Matt.  Oh!  they're  always  making  hay  of  our 
theories  one  way  or  the  other. 

Prof.    Of  course,  if  one  presses  the  matter  home  to 

>  first  principles 

Dolly.    Yes !    Yes !    Well,  why  not  act  on  your  own 


I08         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

first  principles !    You  ought  to  be  very  sorry  for  poor 
Renie,  considering  all  she  has  suffered. 
>     Prof.     Suffered? 

Dolly.  Yes,  poor  dear!  You  don't  know  what  an 
awful  struggle  she  has  gone  through  between  this  un- 
fortunate flirtation  and  her  admiration  for  you. 

Prof.    Her  admiration  for  me! 

Dolly.  Yes !  She  always  speaks  of  you  as  her  great 
protagonist  of  science. 

-  Prof.     [Mollified.]     Does  she?    Does  she? 
Dolly.     Yes.     If  I  were  you  I  should  go  upstairs, 

and  be  very  sweet  to  her,  and  above  all  don't  reproach 
her.  We  women  can  endure  anything  except  re- 
proaches  

Prof.  [Looking  at  his  proofs.]  I  must  publish  my 
^  book.  And  after  all,  as  you  say,  it  is  useless  to  blame 
them  for  acting  according  to  the 

Matt.  The  dictates  of  their  gray  matter  when,  bless 
them,  they  can't  help  themselves.  My  dear  Professor, 
instead  of  condemning  your  wife  you  ought  to  be  con- 
doling with  her,  and  doing  all  you  can  to  get  her  gray 
matter  into  a  healthy  condition. 

-  Prof.    1  will  hear  what  she  has  to  say. 

Dolly.    No.    Go  straight  to  her  and  forgive  her,  and 

then  I'm  sure  her  gray  matter  will  soon  be  all  right. 

And  what  a  triumph  that  will  be  for  you ! 

^j^    Prof.    It  does  offer  a  way  out  of  the  difficulty.    In 

any  case  I  must  publish  my  book.  [Exit. 

Dolly.  Dad,  I  won't  have  her  here  next  Christ- 
mas. 

Matt.    No,  my  dear,  I  wouldn't. 

Dolly.    That  wretched  Lucas! 

Matt.    What  is  to  be  done  with  him  ? 

Dolly.    Pack  him  off!    Pack  him  off  at  once! 

[Lucas  cautiously  looks  in  from  upper  con- 
servatory door. 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF         109 

Lucas.     I  say,  how's  the  old  bird  seem  to  take  it  ? 

Dolly.    Old  bird ! 

Lucas.  He  isn't  going  to  make  a  shindy  over  a 
trifle  like  this? 

Dolly.  Trifle!  He's  threatening  to  divorce  her  and 
expose  you ! 

Lucas.    You  don't  say  so.    I'm  awfully  sorry! 

Dolly.     Sorry ! 

Lucas.  I  am,  indeed !  And  any  reparation  I  can 
make 


Dolly.    Reparation  ? ! 

Lucas.    Such  as  an  apology 

[Dolly  utters  a  contemptuous  exclamation. 

Matt.  Will  you  give  me  your  word  of  honor  never 
to  see  Mrs.  Sturgess  again? 

Lucas.    Yes. 

Matt.    Or  write  to  her? 

Lucas.    Yes. 

Matt,  The  word  of  honour  of  an  English  gentleman 
used  to  mean  something,  Lu. 

Lucas.    It  does  now,  Uncle  Matt ! 

Matt.  [^Shakes  hands  with  him  heartily. 1  Then  I'll 
take  it.  Now  be  off  as  quickly  as  you  can  and  let  us 
make  the  best  of  it  for  you  and  her. 

Lucas.    Thanks.    Good-bye ! 

Matt.'  Good-bye! 

[Lucas  crosses  to  Dolly,  offers  his  hand, 

Dolly.  No,  Lu.  If  Renie  gets  out  of  this  safely 
and  if  you  behave  yourself,  I'll  shake  hands  with  you 
when  you  come  back  from  India. 

Lucas.  You're  taking  this  too  seriously — you're 
taking  it  far  too  seriously !  [^Exit. 

Matt.  We're  making  a  splendid  start  again  for  the 
New  Year! 

Dolly.    I  hope  this  will  be  a  lesson  for  Renie ! 

Matt.    I  hope  so.    How  about  yourself? 


no         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Dolly.     What  do  you  mean? 

Matt.  I  put  the  sovereign  in,  but — you've  got  a  few 
more  bills,  eh? 

Dolly.     Just  a  few  oddments. 

Matt.     How  much? 

Dolly.    I  don't  know.    Dad 

Matt.    Well? 

Dolly.  Now  that  South  Africans  have  gone  up  at 
last,  and  you  won  that  splendid  coup  on  them  last 
week 

Matt.    Well? 

Dolly.  You  couldn't  lend  me — a  few  hundreds — till 
my  allowance  comes  due  ?    Just  a  few  hundreds 

Matt.  [In  a  low  reproachful  tone,  shaking  his 
head.]     What?    What?    What?    Sad!     Sad!     Sad!! 

Dolly.  [Listens.]  There's  Harry!  You  will  help 
me,  Dad — you  will  ? 

Matt.    I'll  see  what  I  can  do. 

Harry  enters  cheerfully. 

Harry.    That's  all  right,  Doll !    There's  the  address. 

[^Giving  a  slip  of  paper. 

Dolly.    Thanks,  dear. 

Harry.    And  now  about  these  mere  oddments? 

Dolly.    Not  now,  dear. 

Harry.  Yes,  dear,  now.  [Very  sternly.']  This 
instant ! 

Dolly.    Harry,  you're  going  to  lose  your  temper 

Harry.  No.  I'm  going  to  keep  a  firm  guard  on  it, 
but  [very  sternly]  let  me  see  those  bills. 

Dolly.  [Creeps  frightened  up  to  the  desk.]  I'm  sure 
you're  going  to  lose  your  temper. 

[Opens  the  desk. 

Harry.  [Firmly.]  No.  I'm  quite  calm.  Whose  bill 
is  that?  [She  hands  him  one  timorously.]  Fulks  and 
Garner !  Artist  Furriers !  More  artists !  [looks  at  total] 


DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF  in 

one    hundred     and    twenty- four    pounds.        Well, 

I'm 

Dolly.     Ah,  Jobling! 

Harry.  I  should  think  I  am  Jobling.  And  you  said 
you'd  never  enter  their  shop  again ! 

Dolly.  I  never  meant  it,  but  this  time  it  was  abso- 
lutely necessary 

Harry.    Necessary  ? 

Dolly.    Yes — you  see  the  chief  item 

Harry.  [^Reads.l^  Chinchilla  toque,  coat,  muff  and 
boa — eighty  guineas — eighty  guineas • 

Dolly.  I  got  them  as  a  surprise  for  you  when  we  go 
South  next  week. 

Harry.  Surprise!  Great  heavens!  What  in  the 
name  of  all 

Matt.  Shush,  Harry!  Her  motive  was  a  good  one. 
She  got  it  to  please  you! 

Dolly.  You  haven't  seen  it  yet,  it's  just  outside — 
I've  a  great  mind  to  give  you  a  great  New  Year's 
treat  and  let  you  see  it  on ! 

Harry.     I'm  not  going  to  be  sweedled 

Matt.  Hush!  Harry!  Let  her  put  it  on!  Let's 
have  a  look  at  it,  and  see  whether  it's  worth  the 
money.    Put  it  on,  Doll.  .  [^Exit  Dolly. 

Harry.  [^Calls  after  her.]  I  tell  you  I'm  not  going 
to  be  sweedled! 

Matt.    What  is  sweedled? 

Harry.  Sweedling  is  sweedling !  It's  part  swindling 
and  part  wheedling!  It's  what  every  d — ee — d  good- 
natured  husband  like  me  has  to  go  through,  when  he's^ 
fool  enough  to  put  up  with  it ! 

Matt.    Well,  old  boy,  you'll  have  to  pay,  you  know ; 
it  will  come  to  that  in  the  end. 

Harry.     I'm  not  going  to  be  sweedled 

Matt.  And  if  Dolly  has  been  a  little  extravagant, 
I  must  help  her  out  with  it  to-morrow  morning! 


112         DOLLY  REFORMING  HERSELF 

Harry.    No,  we'll  go  into  it  thoroughly  to-night. 

Matt.  No,  Harry,  we  won't.  My  room  is  just  above 
here.  Besides,  the  cook  is  going  to  give  us  a  special 
New  Year  dinner,  and  I  want  to  enjoy  it.  This  Nev/ 
Year  we'll  start  with  a  comfortable  evening,  please! 

Dolly  enters  at  back  in  a  very  handsome  Chinchilla 
coat.  Harry  looks  a  little  sulky.  She  stands  in 
the  middle  of  the  room  and  displays  it. 

Dolly.  Well  ?  \^He  looks  at  it  rather  sulkily,  walks 
away;  she  follows  him.~\  Well?  [Walking  after 
him.]     Well?  Well?     [Displaying  the  furs.~\ 

[He  turns,  looks  at  her,  she  stands  and  holds 
out  her  arms. 

Harry.  Oh,  hang  it  all !  [Takes  her  in  his  arms  and 
kisses  her.'\    There! 

Dolly.  [Kissing  him  heartily.]  And  there! 
[Another  kiss.]  And  there!  [Another  kiss.]  And 
there!  [Catches  sight  of  the  collecting  box,  goes  to  it, 
furiously  sweeps  it  off  its  table  on  to  the  floor.]    And 

THERE  ! 


CURTAIN. 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 
LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 

Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 

30May'58  DS 

^^C\: : D 

MAY  ?  9  /orn 

nir\  1     u  O    \)^Z\^\ 

General  Library 
LD  21A-50m-8,'57                               University  of  California 
(C8481sl0)476B                                               Berkeley 

398815 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


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